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  1. #1
    LwyrFirat is offline Member
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    Default Cover letter-corrections please

    I wrote a letter to cover my resume to apply a job in banking field. If you check it through in terms of gramamr and style, I would be really happy. Thanks in advance.



    To Whom It May Concern,

    This is a response of a position for a junior lawyer in Fortis Intertrust.
    I came across your advertisement on the website of kariyer.net

    I currently live in Ankara and seeking for a lawyer position in Istanbul in banking and finance sector which would give me opportunities to explore my educational and professional working experience after I completed my LLM degree on International Commercial Law Course in The University of Bournemouth in the U.K. this year.

    Regarding my degree in the U.K., I accomplished a dissertation entitled “Study of the Current Challenges Facing Turkey in its Negotiation for European Union Membership” which allowed me to deepen my knowledge concerning the commercial and financial issues on the subject of law in Turkey.

    As well as LLM course, I completed METU College both in my primary and secondary education in Turkey and the MA preparation course in the University of Bournemouth, I have done a large number of translation and interpretation works. I am confidently certain these experiences will be efficacious for the language proficiency.

    More importantly, I believe that my professional work experience in law firm has strengthened my skills in an administrative data transaction, negotiation, presentation, team-play and independency.

    My CV, which is attached, contains additional information on my experience and skills. I would appreciate the opportunity to provide further information on my candidacy. I can be reached anytime via my cell phone (my phone number).

    Sincerely,
    Last edited by LwyrFirat; 18-Sep-2007 at 09:27.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Cover letter-corrections please

    How about:


    Dear Sir or madam,
    I am writing to apply for the position of junior lawyer in Fortis Intertrust that was advertised on Kariyer.Net

    I currently live in Ankara and seeking position in Istanbul as a lawyer in the banking and finance sector which would give me opportunities to use my educational and professional working experience, having completed my LLM degree in International Commercial Law at the University of Bournemouth in the U.K. this year.

    Regarding my degree in the U.K., I wrote a dissertation entitled ďStudy of the Current Challenges Facing Turkey in its Negotiations for European Union MembershipĒ which allowed me to deepen my knowledge concerning the commercial and financial issues on the subject of law in Turkey.

    As well as the LLM course, I completed METU College, both primary and secondary education in Turkey, and the MA preparation course in the University of Bournemouth. I have done a lot of translation and interpretation. I am confident that these experiences have added to my language proficiency.

    More importantly, I believe that my professional work experience in a law firm has strengthened my skills in administrative data transactions, negotiations, presentations, team-play and independence.

    My CV, which is attached, contains additional information on my experience and skills. I would appreciate the opportunity to provide further information on my candidacy. I can be reached any time via my cell phone (my phone number).

    Yours faithfully


    Good luck

  3. #3
    LwyrFirat is offline Member
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    Default Re: Cover letter-corrections please

    Of course when a Native English teacher touches it , it loooks much much better. Thank you very much Tdol. But I think they will employ someone else as usual/

  4. #4
    nyggus is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Cover letter-corrections please

    I have some questions:

    1. Shouldn't it be:
    "I currently live in Ankara and (I) am seeking a position..."?

    2. Shouldn't it be:
    "Regarding my degree in the U.K., I wrote a dissertation entitled “Study of the Current Challenges Facing Turkey in its Negotiations for European Union Membership”, which allowed me to deepen my knowledge concerning the commercial and financial issues on the subject of law in Turkey."

    3. As far as I know, it formal writing like this, "concerning" is a better word than "regarding".

    4. Shouldn't it be:
    " I completed the METU College..."

    5. "I currently live in Ankara and seeking position in Istanbul as a lawyer in the banking and finance sector which would give me opportunities to use my educational and professional working experience, having completed my LLM degree in International Commercial Law at the University of Bournemouth in the U.K. this year."
    Is this use of "having completed" fine here? I learned that the use of "having" in such context require a causal relationship between information in the two sentences joined, but this is not necessarily the case here: that LwyrFirat completed the degree in the UK doesn't make him live in Ankara.

    6. Non-language comment:
    "I have done a lot of translation and interpretation. " I think you should expand it a little bit, at least say what kind of translation and interpretation you have on mind.

    7. Also non-language comment:
    I think you don't need so many paragraphs in the letter. The last but one para doesn't seem to have enough information to be presented separately from the previous one.

    Of course, I am not commenting the letter but asking questions. I'd be happy to learn your opinion on these points.

    Many thanks,
    Nyggus
    Last edited by nyggus; 18-Sep-2007 at 14:36.

  5. #5
    Soup's Avatar
    Soup is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Cover letter-corrections please

    Quote Originally Posted by nyggus View Post
    Shouldn't it be "I am currently living in Ankara but seeking a position..."?
    That, too.

  6. #6
    LwyrFirat is offline Member
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    Default Re: Cover letter-corrections please

    Shouldn't it be "I am currently living in Ankara but seeking a position..."?

    Thanks Soup for the corrections.

    Of course, I am not commenting the letter but asking questions. I'd be happy to learn your opinion on these points.

    Thank you very much nyggus for your detailed comment. Actually, I don't trust my grammar at all, so the points which you said must be right.


    About the lack of clarifying the types of interpretations and translations: I did it in my Cv, so I didn’t want to go in detail in the cover letter.

    I will consider your comments about paragraph styling as well.
    Thank you again.
    Last edited by LwyrFirat; 18-Sep-2007 at 19:16.

  7. #7
    nyggus is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Cover letter-corrections please

    Quote Originally Posted by LwyrFirat View Post
    [I]Shouldn't it be "I am currently living in Ankara [U][COLOR=darkgreen]
    Thank you very much nyggus for your detailed comment. Actually, I don't trust my grammar at all, so the points which you said must be right.
    Thanks for your trust, but let's wait for other opinions. I am not a grammar expert (I'd say, not at all), I am just a learner here. But again, thanks.

    Nyggus

  8. #8
    LwyrFirat is offline Member
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    Default Re: Cover letter-corrections please


    Iíve never been taught grammar in detail; I didnít study by myself either. I donít know which one is past perfect, which one is something continuous tense etc(I don't know in my own language too).. For ex: I sometimes make passive sentences without thinking but if somebody ask me to convert one sentence from active to passive it takes long time to do it .Just my fingers type the letters unconsciously, I donít know whether they are right or wrong. You seem to have good knowledge of grammar so I do trust you. Thanks again and wish me good luck for the job applications please

  9. #9
    nyggus is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Cover letter-corrections please

    Quote Originally Posted by LwyrFirat View Post
    Iíve never been taught grammar in detail; I didnít study by myself either. I donít know which one is past perfect, which one is something continuous tense etc(I don't know in my own language too).. For ex: I sometimes make passive sentences without thinking but if somebody ask me to convert one sentence from active to passive it takes long time to do it .Just my fingers type the letters unconsciously, I donít know whether they are right or wrong. You seem to have good knowledge of grammar so I do trust you. Thanks again and wish me good luck for the job applications please
    I indeed like grammar though hate grammar exercises; I don't make them whatsoever. I just like writing.

    As for your job applications, you do have my best wishes!!!


  10. #10
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Cover letter-corrections please

    Quote Originally Posted by nyggus View Post
    I have some questions:

    1. Shouldn't it be:
    "I currently live in Ankara and (I) am seeking a position..."?

    2. Shouldn't it be:
    "Regarding my degree in the U.K., I wrote a dissertation entitled ďStudy of the Current Challenges Facing Turkey in its Negotiations for European Union MembershipĒ, which allowed me to deepen my knowledge concerning the commercial and financial issues on the subject of law in Turkey."

    3. As far as I know, in formal writing like this, "concerning" is a better word than "regarding".

    4. Shouldn't it be:
    " I completed the METU College..."

    5. "I currently live in Ankara and seeking position in Istanbul as a lawyer in the banking and finance sector which would give me opportunities to use my educational and professional working experience, having completed my LLM degree in International Commercial Law at the University of Bournemouth in the U.K. this year."
    Is this use of "having completed" fine here? I learned that the use of "having" in such context require a causal relationship between information in the two sentences joined, but this is not necessarily the case here: that LwyrFirat completed the degree in the UK doesn't make him live in Ankara.

    6. Non-language comment:
    "I have done a lot of translation and interpretation. " I think you should expand on it a little bit, at least say what kind of translation and interpretation you have in mind.

    7. Also non-language comment:
    I think you don't need so many paragraphs in the letter. The last but one [delete "but one"] para doesn't seem to have enough information to be presented separately from the previous one.

    Of course, I am not commenting on the letter but asking questions. I'd be happy to learn your opinion on these points.

    Many thanks,
    Nyggus
    All good points.

    To expand (a little) on nyggus's comments, the last two paragraphs should be combined.

    Take Tdol's advice seriously. He's a pro.


    ~R

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