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  1. #1
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    Sep 2007
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    Default correct my composition~

    When I was young I was an aggressive and enthusiastic child. Everybody was equal in my childhood and I glowed with pride. I aggressively tried many things. I sometimes succeeded, and I sometimes failed, but I never felt small. I was the leader of my peer group and I had many friends.


    However, I found a shabby me as I advance in years and I know the world. Appearance, academic clique, financial ability and so on. Those things made me miserable. I was reluctant to give up such things, ‘I have been a man who has snobbery?’ but I was feeling that those thought was wrong and I who clung to those things was disappointed me. And when I took a long look at myself, I found that I seriously lost confidence.


    So I tried to become a good person or person who is called a man of nice by another people. I would like to be a good person to everyone. But I became a man of lacking backbone. Next I would like to be a loved person by everyone. But I had broken heart in full of my mind unlike smiling and bright outward appearance. Considerate Behaviors I did for other person made me look ludicrously and the wrong thoughtful consideration took greedy away from me. And also I wished to be a sincere person. So I treated people truly but that return to me as a gun.


    Suddenly, I thought. This was wrong. Obviously I was committing errors. The Fear approached beyond me. Soon I found out I first had to seek for me than what became a good person. I needed means that take out me. So I begun to write a diary I hadn’t ever written. I needed confidence. I needed passion. I thought the two will do. That way, I recovered me with writing a diary.


    While I have written a diary, I knew the way I take care of me, strengthened my will and set up my sense of values. So, if someone has same agony and is standing at the life of crossroad, I don’t hesitate and will talk them, “search for you!”

  2. #2
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: correct my composition~

    Quote Originally Posted by kumddadda View Post
    When I was young I was an aggressive and enthusiastic child. Everybody was equal in my childhood and I glowed with pride. I aggressively tried many things. I sometimes succeeded, and I sometimes failed, but I never felt small. I was the leader of my peer group and I had many friends.


    However, I found a shabby me as I advance in years and I know the world [Your tenses need to agree - either all present or all past] . Appearance, academic clique, financial ability and so on.[incomplete sentence - connect it to the following one] Those things made me miserable. I was reluctant to give up such things. ‘I have been a man who has snobbery?’[two problems - why is this a question? and do you really mean "snobbery"? I would check its meaning in a dicitionary] but I was feeling that those thought[those is plural; thought is singular - agreement is needed] was [singular verb - if you change the subject to plural, remember to change the verb too] wrong and I who clung to those things was disappointed me [in myself]. And when I took a long look at myself, I found that I seriously lost confidence.


    So I tried to become a good person or person who is called a man of nice [adjective/noun > a nice man] by another [many >> other] people. I would like to be a good person to everyone. But I became a man of lacking [who lacked/without] backbone. Next I would like to be a loved person by everyone. But I had broken heart [is this your broken heart?or do you mean that you have broken hearts in other people?]in full of my mind unlike smiling and bright outward appearance. Considerate Behaviors [Kind things/Considerate things] I did for other person [people] made me look ludicrously and the wrong thoughtful consideration took greedy away from me[What do you mean?]. And also I wished to be a sincere person. So I treated people truly but that return to me as a gun.[What do you mean? That you were presented with a firearm?]


    Suddenly, I thought: this was wrong. Obviously I was committing errors. The Fear approached beyond me. Soon I found out I first had to seek for [in] me than what became a good person. I needed means that take out me.[All this can be condensed into: I needed to find what I was doing wrong and what I was doing right]. So I began to write a diary I hadn’t ever written [delete - not necessary] . I needed confidence. I needed passion. I thought the two will do. That way, I recovered me with [my self through] writing a diary.


    While I have written a diary, I knew [found/learned] the way I can take care of me, strengthening my will and setting up my sense of values. So, if someone has the same agony and is standing at the life of crossroad [idiom= the crossroads of life], I don’t hesitate and will talk [say] them, “search for you [your self] !”
    Not that "myself" and "my self" are slightly different.

    "my self" = my personality and nature, what makes me different from you.

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