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Thread: About Me

  1. #1
    bringme is offline Newbie
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    Default About Me

    Hi everybody.
    Please help me revise my essay. I'm in the process of applying to graduate school and the scholarship too. They ask me to write an essay about my personal experiences.
    I will appreciate any help. Please let me know what I need to change in order to make it right. Please be brutally honest. And thank you very much before.


    When I was in high school, I was a shy boy who didnít show much promise for leadership. I always am a shy guy and trembling in front of stranger, opposite sex or in front of the crowds. I am not the kind of guy who could easily attract a girl in high school/college. I am the perfect object for mocking: thin, old-fashioned hair-cut and clothing with thick glasses cover most of my face.

    When entering the university, all new students form our department was obliged to join campfire gathering. The program lasted for two nights with about 300 new students participating. The committee (which consists of senior students and some lecturers) appoints two students in random (one boy one girl) to be MC and gives informal speech in the gathering.

    Unfortunately, the ballot falls on me. What a madness! More seriously, I was matched with beautiful and attracting girl who was an idol at the school. That completes my bad luck. (1) I have to give a speech in front of more than 300 people, and (2) I have to work together with girl who makes me very inferior. These two are the things I avoid most.

    Finally the night has come. Before the show begins, I just pray and kept my eyes closed and took a very deep breath. I create a mental image that I made my way through the night successfully, that I could speak very smoothly and not get nervous. It takes time a little bit longer for me to be fully ready of uttering my speech from my mouth.

    The result is amazing. Word by word flows very smoothly from my mouth. All things went good as my mental image. During this night, I reflect on the once timid boy and realize that I no longer exist. Instead, a leader has emerged, and personal insecurities have disappeared. That night is unforgettable night for me. That night of tremendous success changes my life forever.

    The next year, I got involved in the committee for campfire gathering of welcoming the new students in our department. The next following years I got involved into many more studentship activities and held an strategic leadership position. Of course, I go on to speak in front of much larger crowds and receive recognition for my ability to motivate and persuade. And the girl who was my pair at that night has now becoming my girlfriend.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please help me revise my essay

    When I was in high school, I was a shy boy who didn’t show much promise for leadership. I always am a shy guy and trembling in front of stranger, opposite sex or in front of the crowds. I am not the kind of guy who could easily attract a girl in high school/college. I am the perfect object for mocking: thin, old-fashioned hair-cut and clothing with thick glasses cover most of my face.
    When I was in high school, I was a shy boy who didn’t show much promise for leadership. I have always been shy and nervous in front of strangers, the opposite sex or a crowd of people. I am not the kind of guy who could easily attract a girl in high school or college. I am the perfect object for mocking: thin with an old-fashioned hair-cut and old-fashioned clothing and with thick glasses that cover most of my face.
    Last edited by RonBee; 21-Oct-2007 at 12:42. Reason: spacing

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    Default Re: About Me

    When entering the university, all new students form our department was obliged to join campfire gathering. The program lasted for two nights with about 300 new students participating. The committee (which consists of senior students and some lecturers) appoints two students in random (one boy one girl) to be MC and gives informal speech in the gathering.

    Upon entering the university, all new students from our department are obliged to join a campfire gathering. The program lasts for two nights with about 300 new students participating. The committee (which consists of senior students and some lecturers) appoints two students at random (one boy and one girl) to be MC and give an informal speech to the gathering.
    Last edited by RonBee; 21-Oct-2007 at 12:55. Reason: spelling

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    Default Re: About Me

    Unfortunately, the ballot falls on me. What a madness! More seriously, I was matched with beautiful and attracting girl who was an idol at the school. That completes my bad luck. (1) I have to give a speech in front of more than 300 people, and (2) I have to work together with girl who makes me very inferior. These two are the things I avoid most.
    Unfortunately, I was chosen to be MC (master of ceremonies). What madness! In addition, I was matched with a beautiful and attractive girl who was an idol at the school. That completed my bad luck. (1) I had to give a speech in front of more than 300 people, and (2) I had to work with a girl of the type who makes me feel inferior. The two things I avoid the most.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: About Me

    Finally the night has come. Before the show begins, I just pray and kept my eyes closed and took a very deep breath. I create a mental image that I made my way through the night successfully, that I could speak very smoothly and not get nervous. It takes time a little bit longer for me to be fully ready of uttering my speech from my mouth.
    Finally, the night came. Before the show began, I prayed and kept my eyes closed and took a very deep breath. I created a mental image that I made my way through the night successfully, that I could speak very smoothly and not get nervous. It took a little while for me to be fully ready to speak.

    The result is amazing. Word by word flows very smoothly from my mouth. All things went good as my mental image. During this night, I reflect on the once timid boy and realize that I no longer exist. Instead, a leader has emerged, and personal insecurities have disappeared. That night is unforgettable night for me. That night of tremendous success changes my life forever.
    The result was amazing. Word by word the speech flowed smoothly from my mouth. Everything went just the same as the mental image I had created. At one point during that night I thought about the timid boy I had once been and realized that he no longer existed. Instead, a leader had emerged, and personal insecurities had disappeared. It was an unforgettable night for me--a night of tremendous success that changed my life forever.

    The next year, I got involved in the committee for campfire gathering of welcoming the new students in our department. The next following years I got involved into many more studentship activities and held an strategic leadership position. Of course, I go on to speak in front of much larger crowds and receive recognition for my ability to motivate and persuade. And the girl who was my pair at that night has now becoming my girlfriend.
    The next year, I got involved in the committee for campfire gathering to welcome the new students in our department. The following years I got involved in many more student activities and held a leadership position. Of course, I went on to speak in front of much larger crowds and received recognition for my ability to motivate and persuade. And the girl who was my partner that night has become my girlfriend.

  6. #6
    bringme is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: About Me

    RonBee, many thanks for your help. I really really appreciate it much.

  7. #7
    bringme is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: About Me

    If you don't mind :) could you please help me on my another essay below?
    Thanks in advance.

    ----edited----
    Last edited by bringme; 21-Oct-2007 at 18:21.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: About Me

    One thing.
    The following term, I continued with a full load, I but found one class very difficult.


    (For any more new essays or questions, please start a new thread.)

    ~R

  9. #9
    bringme is offline Newbie
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    Many thanks RonBee. Muchas gracias!

  10. #10
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