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  1. #1
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    Default my lpi essay need some editor to review my essay

    I am currently a student at University of British Columbia in the faculty of Arts. In the past, I attended Vancouver Technical Secondary; looking back at my school years, I enjoyed grade eight the most: because it was special, successful and exciting.

    In the transition from elementary to high school, everything changed dramatically. In grade eight, I felt like I was suddenly given an enormous amount of freedom. For instance, I can go home for lunch without having my parents sign a permission form. In addition to that, I do not have to ask for permission to go to the washroom or wander around the halls.

    In all my academic years, grade eight was the most successful year. I got on the honor roll, received many awards and certificates. . The best part was that, I didnít have to work hard for my achievements. Indeed grade eight wasnít really important; however I did gain confidence through my success. For instance, there was no homework that I felt I was unable to complete. Also, I was not shy to raise my hand to answer questions.

    The best thing I like about grade eight is being a popular student at school. All my teachers liked me a lot. I met many new friends and had many memorable moments together. For example, I remembered in November of 1996, my friends and I went to watch a movie; it was special because, it was my first time watching a movie without parents or adult supervision around. I felt like I have grown up.

    In conclusion, grade eight is the best school year. Those memories are still vivid in colors as I sit here writing my LPI essay. I hope in the future my children will feel the same way as I did (entering high school).

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    What is an LPI essay? I haven't heard the term before.

    I'd change this:
    In grade eight, I felt like I was suddenly given an enormous amount of freedom
    I'd use 'as if' instead of 'like'. Also,I wonder whether saying you didn't have to study hard is that advisable.

  3. #3
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    Say:
    • I didn't feel shy about raising my hand.

    Say:
    • It was my first time watching a movie without parents or adult supervision.

    Say:
    • I felt like I had grown up.


    :)

  4. #4
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    Default Re: my lpi essay need some editor to review my essay

    Quote Originally Posted by gonghai
    I am currently a student at University of British Columbia in the faculty of Arts. In the past, I attended Vancouver Technical Secondary; looking back at my school years, I enjoyed grade eight the most: because it was special, successful and exciting.
    Replace the semicolon in that last sentence with a period.

    Quote Originally Posted by gonghai
    In the transition from elementary to high school, everything changed dramatically. In grade eight, I felt like I was suddenly given an enormous amount of freedom. For instance, I can go home for lunch without having my parents sign a permission form. In addition to that, I do not have to ask for permission to go to the washroom or wander around the halls.
    Say I could go home for lunch. (Past tense.)

    Quote Originally Posted by gonghai
    In all my academic years, grade eight was the most successful year. I got on the honor roll, received many awards and certificates. . The best part was that, I didn’t have to work hard for my achievements. Indeed grade eight wasn’t really important; however I did gain confidence through my success. For instance, there was no homework that I felt I was unable to complete. Also, I was not shy to raise my hand to answer questions.
    Say I was not shy about raising my hand in class.

    Quote Originally Posted by gonghai
    The best thing I like about grade eight is being a popular student at school. All my teachers liked me a lot. I met many new friends and had many memorable moments together. For example, I remembered in November of 1996, my friends and I went to watch a movie; it was special because, it was my first time watching a movie without parents or adult supervision around. I felt like I have grown up.
    Say: "The best thing I liked about grade eight was being a popular student at school."

    Re:
    • I met many new friends and had many memorable moments together.

    Delete "together". In fact, "experiences" would be better than "moments" there.

    Quote Originally Posted by gonghai
    In conclusion, grade eight is the best school year. Those memories are still vivid in colors as I sit here writing my LPI essay. I hope in the future my children will feel the same way as I did (entering high school).
    Better than "in conclusion" it would, I think, be better to say that grade eight was your best school year and that the memories are still with you.

    :)

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by tdol
    What is an LPI essay? I haven't heard the term before.

    I'd change this:
    In grade eight, I felt like I was suddenly given an enormous amount of freedom
    I'd use 'as if' instead of 'like'. Also,I wonder whether saying you didn't have to study hard is that advisable.
    LPI stands for language proficiency index
    it is used in most canadian universities and collges.
    I need a five, which is around 80% on the test (the whole exam does not count except the essay) to take first year english.
    i need english to graduate and go on to third year

    **also thank-you for you reply** :D

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    thank-you again for your editing
    :D :D ronbee

  7. #7
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    You're welcome. I hope I helped.

    :D

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    Default Re: my lpi essay need some editor to review my essay

    I think the openning about your current UBC student status is nothing to do with your topic. it sounds like you are writing a resume. better to make some connection, contrast. in fact, you should have more freedom at UBC. instead, you may mention a miserable experience in elementary school, serving as a transition and contrast to your grade 8 happy life.

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