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  1. #61
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Latifa said that she felt very comfortable in his classes and that he was a very kind to all of them. She felt him a father figure according to her situation as an orphan.
    Perhaps:
    • Latifa said that she felt very comfortable in his classes and that he was a very kind to all of them. She regarded him as a father figure because she was an orphan.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    She said to her friend “I lost my father once and I don’t want to live this horrible experience again”
    What horrible experience was she talking about? (What punctuation does that sentence need?)

    :)

  2. #62
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Latifa said that she felt very comfortable in his classes and that he was a very kind to all of them. She felt him a father figure according to her situation as an orphan.
    Perhaps:
    • Latifa said that she felt very comfortable in his classes and that he was a very kind to all of them. She regarded him as a father figure because she was an orphan.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    She said to her friend “I lost my father once and I don’t want to live this horrible experience again”
    What horrible experience was she talking about? (What punctuation does that sentence need?)

    :)

  3. #63
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Ms. Mouza took Latifa between her arms and cried painfully.
    Perhaps:
    • Ms Mouza held Latifa in her arms and cried painfully.


    :)

  4. #64
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Ms. Mouza took Latifa between her arms and cried painfully.
    Perhaps:
    • Ms Mouza held Latifa in her arms and cried painfully.


    :)

  5. #65
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Mr. Ron felt that there was something unusual with Latifa.
    Say "about" instead of "with" there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    She kept sending him e-mail in the father’s day, telling him that he was a father figure and these sorts of things.
    • She kept sending him emails on Father's Day, telling him that he was a father figure and those sorts of things.


    That couldn't have been very often, since Father's Day only comes once a year. Or does Father's Day mean something else in Arab countries?

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Mr. Ron understood that the lack of a father in Latifa’s life was what made her to feel so close to him.
    That's good. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    He thought about making her to understand that he got a wife and his wife had daughters of an ex-marriage and that he had his own family.
    Try:
    • He thought about trying to make her understand that he had a wife and stepdaughters--that he had his own family to worry about.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    He tried to make her to understand that she was his student, and nothing more.
    That is good, but you don't need the comma there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Although it was too difficult for him to ignore her he was sure that it would be the best for both of them.
    • Although it was difficult for him to ignore her, he was sure that it would be the best thing for both of them.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    She has sent him an email and waited for a reply, but she did not receive any. She sent him another e-mail asking him to reply. She wrote literally:
    “Why don’t you answer my e-mails?
    Replace "has" (in the first sentence) with "had".

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Please don’t be angry with me, I won’t help see you angry.
    Perhaps:
    • Please don't be angry with me. I don't want you to be angry.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Listen, I rather to day than to live alone once again, your daughter”
    I am not sure what you are trying to say there. Please rewrite that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Mr. Ron recognized that Latifa was broken entirely because of her father’s death. He knew that she needed a counselor to talk with. He sent to his friend James who was a therapist for help.
    • Mr. Ron recognized that Latifa was broken up because of her father's death. He knew that she needed a counselor to talk with. He wrote to his friend James (who was a therapist) for help.


    :)

  6. #66
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Mr. Ron felt that there was something unusual with Latifa.
    Say "about" instead of "with" there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    She kept sending him e-mail in the father’s day, telling him that he was a father figure and these sorts of things.
    • She kept sending him emails on Father's Day, telling him that he was a father figure and those sorts of things.


    That couldn't have been very often, since Father's Day only comes once a year. Or does Father's Day mean something else in Arab countries?

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Mr. Ron understood that the lack of a father in Latifa’s life was what made her to feel so close to him.
    That's good. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    He thought about making her to understand that he got a wife and his wife had daughters of an ex-marriage and that he had his own family.
    Try:
    • He thought about trying to make her understand that he had a wife and stepdaughters--that he had his own family to worry about.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    He tried to make her to understand that she was his student, and nothing more.
    That is good, but you don't need the comma there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Although it was too difficult for him to ignore her he was sure that it would be the best for both of them.
    • Although it was difficult for him to ignore her, he was sure that it would be the best thing for both of them.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    She has sent him an email and waited for a reply, but she did not receive any. She sent him another e-mail asking him to reply. She wrote literally:
    “Why don’t you answer my e-mails?
    Replace "has" (in the first sentence) with "had".

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Please don’t be angry with me, I won’t help see you angry.
    Perhaps:
    • Please don't be angry with me. I don't want you to be angry.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Listen, I rather to day than to live alone once again, your daughter”
    I am not sure what you are trying to say there. Please rewrite that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Mr. Ron recognized that Latifa was broken entirely because of her father’s death. He knew that she needed a counselor to talk with. He sent to his friend James who was a therapist for help.
    • Mr. Ron recognized that Latifa was broken up because of her father's death. He knew that she needed a counselor to talk with. He wrote to his friend James (who was a therapist) for help.


    :)

  7. #67
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    James wrote back in a reply to Ron’s letter:
    “What I can see is that Latifa is in need to a man who can play the role of a father in her life.
    • James wrote back in reply to Ron’s letter:
      “What I can see is that Latifa is in need of man who can play the role of a father in her life.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    But I am so afraid of her use to the idea of death.
    Perhaps:
    • But I am afraid she is obsessed with the idea of death.




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    I know that these people think that they are in a challenge with the death.
    A battle with death? A fight with death? A struggle with death?

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    They say if the death will take our beloved and prevents us of being with them, so we can proceed him and stop the lovely moments we live by dying.
    Perhaps:
    They
    • say that if death will take our beloved and prevent us from being with them....




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    I think there was not anyone to talk to her after her father death to make her to understand the death as her father died while she was too young.
    Perhaps:
    • I don't think there was anyone to talk to her after her father died to help her understand, as she was too young for that.




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    She was needed to talk out all the fear and the sadness in side her.
    • She needs to talk out all the fear and sadness inside her.




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    What can say to you is not to ignore her for a very long time. You can answer one of her messages, to make her to feel that you are supporting her. But never get so close. Yours James.”
    Perhaps:
    • What I can say to you is not to ignore her for a very long time. You can answer one of her messages, to make her to feel that you are supporting her. But never get so close. Yours, James.


    What do you think?

    :)

  8. #68
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    James wrote back in a reply to Ron’s letter:
    “What I can see is that Latifa is in need to a man who can play the role of a father in her life.
    • James wrote back in reply to Ron’s letter:
      “What I can see is that Latifa is in need of man who can play the role of a father in her life.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    But I am so afraid of her use to the idea of death.
    Perhaps:
    • But I am afraid she is obsessed with the idea of death.




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    I know that these people think that they are in a challenge with the death.
    A battle with death? A fight with death? A struggle with death?

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    They say if the death will take our beloved and prevents us of being with them, so we can proceed him and stop the lovely moments we live by dying.
    Perhaps:
    They
    • say that if death will take our beloved and prevent us from being with them....




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    I think there was not anyone to talk to her after her father death to make her to understand the death as her father died while she was too young.
    Perhaps:
    • I don't think there was anyone to talk to her after her father died to help her understand, as she was too young for that.




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    She was needed to talk out all the fear and the sadness in side her.
    • She needs to talk out all the fear and sadness inside her.




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    What can say to you is not to ignore her for a very long time. You can answer one of her messages, to make her to feel that you are supporting her. But never get so close. Yours James.”
    Perhaps:
    • What I can say to you is not to ignore her for a very long time. You can answer one of her messages, to make her to feel that you are supporting her. But never get so close. Yours, James.


    What do you think?

    :)

  9. #69
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Two weeks later, Latifa stopped sending messages to her teacher and she remained quieter.
    I am not really sure what the "remained quieter" part means. You might want to rewrite that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Once, it was Mr. Ron’s writing class, but it was not Latifa’s section.
    Perhaps:
    • One time Mr. Ron was teaching his writing class. It was not one Latifa was supposed to be in.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    After ten minutes of the class beginning, Latifa entered the class. She looked at her teacher and went to set at the end of the room. Mr. Ron carried on in teaching.
    Perhaps:
    • Ten minutes after the class started, Latifa entered the class. She looked at her teacher and went to sit at the end of the room. Mr. Ron carried on with his teaching.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    The lecture last an hour and twenty minutes. When all the students left the lass Mr. Ron looked at Latifa to asked her to talk. But Latifa was gazing at her teacher silently. Her eyes were frozen and her lips were blue.
    • The lecture lasted an hour and twenty minutes. After all the students had left the class, Mr. Ron looked at Latifa and asked her to talk. But Latifa was gazing at her teacher silently. Her eyes were frozen and her lips were blue.




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    He asked her again, and sat on the floor next to her. Mr. Ron took her hand and he discovered a very horrible thing she did to herself. Latifa was bleeding all the time as she has cut her arteries. She left on her disk a paper and wrote by her blood “Sorry, but I was not able to see you disappearing from my life”
    Latifa died at that time, and her teacher screams for help were not useful.
    • He asked her again, and sat on the floor next to her. Mr. Ron took her hand and he discovered a very horrible thing she had done to herself. Latifa was bleeding at the time, as she had cut her arteries. She had left on her desk a piece of paper, and on it was a message written in her blood: " Sorry, but I was not able to see you disappearing from my life” Latifa died, and her teacher's screams for help were of no avail.

  10. #70
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Two weeks later, Latifa stopped sending messages to her teacher and she remained quieter.
    I am not really sure what the "remained quieter" part means. You might want to rewrite that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Once, it was Mr. Ron’s writing class, but it was not Latifa’s section.
    Perhaps:
    • One time Mr. Ron was teaching his writing class. It was not one Latifa was supposed to be in.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    After ten minutes of the class beginning, Latifa entered the class. She looked at her teacher and went to set at the end of the room. Mr. Ron carried on in teaching.
    Perhaps:
    • Ten minutes after the class started, Latifa entered the class. She looked at her teacher and went to sit at the end of the room. Mr. Ron carried on with his teaching.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    The lecture last an hour and twenty minutes. When all the students left the lass Mr. Ron looked at Latifa to asked her to talk. But Latifa was gazing at her teacher silently. Her eyes were frozen and her lips were blue.
    • The lecture lasted an hour and twenty minutes. After all the students had left the class, Mr. Ron looked at Latifa and asked her to talk. But Latifa was gazing at her teacher silently. Her eyes were frozen and her lips were blue.




    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    He asked her again, and sat on the floor next to her. Mr. Ron took her hand and he discovered a very horrible thing she did to herself. Latifa was bleeding all the time as she has cut her arteries. She left on her disk a paper and wrote by her blood “Sorry, but I was not able to see you disappearing from my life”
    Latifa died at that time, and her teacher screams for help were not useful.
    • He asked her again, and sat on the floor next to her. Mr. Ron took her hand and he discovered a very horrible thing she had done to herself. Latifa was bleeding at the time, as she had cut her arteries. She had left on her desk a piece of paper, and on it was a message written in her blood: " Sorry, but I was not able to see you disappearing from my life” Latifa died, and her teacher's screams for help were of no avail.

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