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  1. #71
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Yours is ready too!

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof

    Word 630. I am sorry it is not an autobiography, but I wrote something I really like. It is a letter for my father who passed away a very long time ago.
    Say:
    • 630 words.

    Say:
    • It is a letter to my father.


    (It looks pretty good.)


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Dear father,

    How are you? I know it is not the question to be asked.
    Say:
    • I know it is not the question to ask.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    But I have something to say. Things I kept them buried in side me for ages waiting to be released. I hope you will be able to remember your lonely daughter whom you left a very long time ago.
    • But I have something to say. Things I kept buried inside myself for ages waiting to be released. I hope you will be able to remember your lonely daughter whom you left a very long time ago.


    That's rather poignant. :(


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    I am sorry for not writing and for waiting these long years to say goodbye. I have been thinking of you since you have left me without saying any word fifteen years ago.
    • I am sorry for not writing and for waiting these long years to say goodbye. I have been thinking of you since you left me without saying anything fifteen years ago.

  2. #72
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Yours is ready too!

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    I was still by that time a child who knew nothing of this life, not even what does it mean to never see you again to the end of my life.
    • I was still at that time a child who knew nothing of this life, not even what it means to never see you again until the end of my life.


    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    I am so sorry because it took me so long to understand that you are no longer existed; to get use not to wait you by the doorstep everyday to take me by your hug joyfully no matter of your tiredness; to persuade myself that those dead wires can no more hold your voice to ask me to be ready for a beautiful journey in the toys shop; to believe that the unfinished bed story will never has an end.
    • I am sorry that it took me so long to understand that you no longer exist. I am sorry that I got used to not waiting for you every day to take me joyfully in your arms no matter how tired you were. I am sorry that those dead wires can no longer hold your voice to ask me to be ready for a beautiful journey to the toy shop. I am sorry that the unfinished bedtime story will never have an ending.


    What do you think?

    :)

  3. #73
    myprofe is offline Newbie
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    Default corrections

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Good night,
    Whenever you will be ready, just consider that it will be better if you will use stories or poems of 2/3 pages.
    Thank you.
    If I was/were using this forum to improve my English I would expect someone to correct my mistakes.

    Whenever you are ready, just consider that it will be better if you use (would be better if you used) stories or poems 2/3 pages long/in length.

    gordon :wink:

  4. #74
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: corrections

    Quote Originally Posted by myprofe
    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Good night,
    Whenever you will be ready, just consider that it will be better if you will use stories or poems of 2/3 pages.
    Thank you.
    If I was/were using this forum to improve my English I would expect someone to correct my mistakes.

    Whenever you are ready, just consider that it will be better if you use (would be better if you used) stories or poems 2/3 pages long/in length.

    gordon :wink:
    http://www.usingenglish.com/links/En...cond_Language/
    :wink:

  5. #75
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Yours is ready too!

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    That story which you have started it, but never have the chance to make the princess to marry her beloved.
    Try:
    • I'll never hear the end of that story you started, and I will never find out if the princess gets to marry her beloved.


    Does that look right to you?

    :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    I have to persuade myself that those lovely fingers will not be able to play with my hair any more.
    Try:
    • I have to convince myself that those lovely fingers of yours will not be able to play with my hair anymore.


    :)

  6. #76
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    Default Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Perhaps:
    • Latifa was very attracted to her teacher. She found in him the person who could fill the gap of her father's absence.


    Ok. What is the difference between using so, and very?


    I don't think "belatedly" works very well there. Perhaps:
    • Mr. Ron had known Latifa for a long time before he found out she was an orphan.


    I used it because I thought it would convey the idea of being late to know that Latifa was an orphan.

    That's good! I have just a couple of suggestions. In the first sentence, delete "the" from "via the email"; in the second sentence, say "very happy" instead of "so happy".

    Again why very instead of so?



    Say:
    • Reem noticed the changes in Latifa's attitude toward her.

    Or:
    • Reem noticed the changes in Latifa's character.


    Ok.




    Try:
    • Once when Reem talked to Latifa she asked Latifa about her feelings toward Mr. Ron.


    I said, “Which was the access to Latifa’s feeling toward Mr. Ron” as if the narrator was saying this information. Can I say it the way I wrote it in this case?



    Say:
    • Latifa answered Reem's question, which was about why she wanted to have another course with Mr. Ron.


    What do you think?

    Perfect as usual and useful.

  7. #77
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    Default Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    What horrible experience was she talking about? (What punctuation does that sentence need?)

    “!”, or will “.” be enough?

  8. #78
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    Default Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Mr. Ron felt that there was something That couldn't have been very often, since Father's Day only comes once a year. Or does Father's Day mean something else in Arab countries?

    No, what I know that Father’s Day is a day for children to show their gratefulness toward their fathers. Unfortunately, I know nothing about this day, as I am an orphan. I saw congratulations on TV, but I had not lived any moment of it.
    I wanted to say that she kept saying that he was a father figure in every e-mail.





    Try:
    • He thought about trying to make her understand that he had a wife and stepdaughters--that he had his own family to worry about.


    Ok.

    Ok, sir.
    :wink:

    Replace "has" (in the first sentence) with "had".


    Ok, sir.
    :wink:



    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Please don’t be angry with me, I won’t help see you angry.
    Perhaps:
    • Please don't be angry with me. I don't want you to be angry.


    I used to hear an expression used as “I can’t help seeing you….” and I tried it here, but it seems that it was incorrect.
    Can I use it? Or can you give me the right form or usage, please?



    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    Listen, I rather to day than to live alone once again, your daughter”
    I am not sure what you are trying to say there. Please rewrite that.

    “Listen, I rather die than to live alone again.
    Your daughter.”
    She wanted to tell him that she prefers to die than to see him ignoring her. In her own thought, seeing him ignoring her will be equivalent to her father’s absence, or death. She wanted him to understand how deep he was going to hurt he feelings.
    I hope that I successfully convey the idea with no spelling mistakes.




    • Mr. Ron recognized that Latifa was broken up because of her father's death. He knew that she needed a counselor to talk with. He wrote to his friend James (who was a therapist) for help.



    Why should there be brackets and not a comma before (who was a therapist)?

  9. #79
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    Default Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    Quote Originally Posted by Latoof
    I know that these people think that they are in a challenge with the death.
    A battle with death? A fight with death? A struggle with death?

    So what is the problem? Is “in a challenge with death” wrong?


    • She needs to talk out all the fear and sadness inside her.


    Did you say, “she needs” in present tense as James was advising Ron? I said “She was needed” in an explanation from James to Latifa’s previous e-mail, and I saw that using the past tense is the best. James is telling or explaining to his friend Latifa’s attitude when sending him e-mails. Simply, James says she sent you e-mails because she needed to talk…


    What do you think?
    Ok.

  10. #80
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    Default Re: Here is the story you asked about, RonBee.

    I am not really sure what the "remained quieter" part means. You might want to rewrite that.

    It means that she looked or appeared calmer; quieter; more silent; noiseless, especially in Ron’s classes.


    Perhaps:
    • One time Mr. Ron was teaching his writing class. It was not one Latifa was supposed to be in.


    Shouldn’t we say:
    It was not the one Latifa was supposed…




    Thank you very much for the help. I just want to know what do you think of this piece of writing? :wink:

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