Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: Correct tenses?

  1. #1
    Skyscraper83 is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    4
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Correct tenses?

    Hidden down within an overgrown thicket, a lone common red fox is standing patiently in the early morning sun as he quietly observes a grazing rabbit. He been waiting well before the sun had arisen, for such an opportunity to present itself, but he would not dare strike until his prey becomes perfectly position. For this moment, he was allowing the small creature to go on with her business. He wishes for her to make another step towards him, so to be sure his attack would not fall short. He arches his spine and prepares his hind legs ready for his pounce. Then the moment he was waiting for appear; she steps forward to feed on a fresh weed. With no hesitation, he launches himself into the air and towards the rabbit. His paws land accurately on the creature and swiftly he sank his teeth into the creature’s neck to end any remaining life.
    I was hoping, if someone might be able to tell me if the tenses are correct in my paragraph. In some parts, I have used the past tense to help better describe the present tense. Using past and present tenses in the same sentence is something I am still not confident with, so I would appreciate any helpful advice.

    In the text, I’ve used bold to tag future tenses, italic for past tense and present tenses are just the standard front. Things I would like to know are my changes in tense correct and flow well, and does the text have a nice overall flow that it is enjoyable to read (I enjoy creative writing). Sentence concerning me;

    “He been waiting well before the sun had arisen, for such an opportunity to present itself, but he would not dare strike until his prey becomes perfectly position.“

    I know I have a past and future tense but a little unsure if I swap between them correctly. I am also concern about the verb “becomes.” Is the verb correct in a future tense?

    “Then the moment he was waiting for appear; she steps forward to feed on a fresh weed”

    Is this the correct use of the semicolon? I am also unsure if I have the tense right.Any comments are greatly welcome and thank you in advance. J

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    5,425
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Correct tenses?

    “Then the moment he was waiting for appears or arrives

    But to add to the suspense, omit either word:
    "Then the moment he was waiting for: she steps forward to feed on a fresh weed.”

    By using a colon, you would be adding to the suspense. The reader wants to know, what has happened, what has changed that it is now the right moment. The colon indicates that what immediately follows specifically amplifies the sentence before - all is about to be revealed!

    Hidden down within an overgrown thicket, a lone common red fox is standing patiently in the early morning sun as he quietly observes a grazing rabbit. He has been waiting since well before the sun rose (omit the comma) for such an opportunity to present itself; but he would not dare strike until his prey becomes perfectly positioned. For the moment, he is allowing the small creature to go on with her business. He needs her to make another step towards him, so as to be sure his attack will not fall short. He arches his spine and prepares his hind legs ready for his pounce. Then the moment he has been waiting for: she steps forward to feed on a fresh weed. With no hesitation, he launches himself into the air and towards the rabbit. His paws land accurately on the creature and swiftly he sinks his teeth into the creature’s neck to end any remaining life.

    Why "remaining" life. Apart from his paws landing on the rabbit, what has already started to kill the rabbit? Until he starts to sink his teeth into the rabbit, he doesn't seem to have done any harm to it . Did the mere weight of the fox landing on the rabbit partly kill it?

Similar Threads

  1. What is the correct of this sentences
    By Nader75 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 29-Dec-2005, 16:54
  2. Trying to correct someone else's writing
    By HaraKiriBlade in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 19-Oct-2005, 05:22
  3. Is it correct to use re-propagate this way?
    By Peter2005 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 13-Oct-2005, 09:28
  4. sequence of tenses
    By akbar in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 28-Aug-2005, 10:19
  5. The Hidden Evidence: The Past Family
    By shun in forum Teaching English
    Replies: 143
    Last Post: 09-Nov-2003, 00:56

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Hotchalk