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  1. #1
    skyofblue is offline Newbie
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    Help me check my essay

    Help me!!! Checking my essay i need yhis as soon as possible.
    this is my essay. the topic is my personal.


    My name is Jannifer Hadibowo. I am the eldest child in my family. I have one sister, she is 3 years younger than me. Now, she is in the first grade in Senior High School, she got the scholarship in this present school. I am so proud of her. But if want to say the truth, I am ought to have one big brother. He was born premature. Based on my mother story, his weight was no more than one kilogram, his body was so small that could be clasped. He even couldnít take a breath of fresh air. He laid in incubator and just persist in there for less that a week. Because of that I am often imagine how the fell have a big brother and sometime I felt jealous if I saw my friends was being met by their brother after school. My father is a technician and my mother is a housewife. Even thought I was born in unfortunate-financially family but I love and so proud of both of my parents.
    Especially my mother, she always teaches me, support me. When I was under 5 years old, I liked to pen drawing in the wall. I couldnít let one a clean-white wall without a pen drawing. But curiously, my mother never forbade or angry with me. Until now that pen-drawing still decorating the wall in my house.
    After I had gone to kindergarten. I started to be joined in coloring competition. At that time, I couldnít coloring well, that must be I colored out of border. As long as 3 years in kindergarten. I just have won once.
    When I had gone to elementary school, I stated to join drawing competition. In the beginning years, I drew a man that my mother said ďoliveĒ because it has a thin body, long-thin hand and foot. I remember in that time almost every week that was a competition. Two days before the competition I would be asked to practice. My mother teaches me patiently. But sometime when I still couldnít make a good sketch and coloring, she not to scruple to be angry with me. Sometime even thought there was 10.00 pm, I wasnít allowed to go sleep until I prevail the sketch.
    In that time, I never won, but my mother still made me follow the competition accompanied me to the competition-place, likewise, my father never forbade me to be joined competition even thought my fatherís salary wasnít much but he never refused to pay registration fee that expensive enough. Even there was crayon or another coloring material that have a good quality, he wasnít doubt it buy that just for me. Although, the price is a quarter of my fatherís salary. There was one day I felt bored with that routines, from Monday until Saturday I must went to school, and if there was a competition in the Sunday, I spent my spare time in Friday and Saturday with practice. Plus I was seldom won. So I talked to my mother I wanted to quit. My mother was angry to hear that she said that if I wanted to quit it was mean that I didnít need to continue my school. But she never really does that she still made me follow the competition. That dark period happen for 3 years. Until one day when I was in the 4th grade inn elementary I successful to conquer the person that always becomes a winner in that time. Started from that my mother effort started showing the result .My drawing become better and better. Now there was no Ďoliveí any ore. From I couldnít make a good coloring become can make a good color gradation. And make a new coloring trademark in my hometown. Started in there I always become a winner when I was in 6th grade I represent my city to the competition in province, even thought in that competition I didnít win but I still proud because itís mean my talent was recognized.
    After graduate from elementary school and went to junior high school there almost not competition in this level, as to competition that was held by government department and represent the school. Even thought still became a winner I started to miss weeks that fulfill with competition. And I started to search the competitionís information by myself and joined that with my own will.


    Help Help Help
    thank u before

  2. #2
    cner01 is offline Newbie
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    Re: Help me check my essay

    [QUOTE=skyofblue;232310]Help me!!! Checking my essay i need yhis as soon as possible.
    this is my essay. the topic is my personal.


    My name is Jannifer Hadibowo. I am the eldest child in my family. I have one sister, <<(comma splice, you should use "." or "and" after the comma)she is 3 years younger than me. Now, she is in the<<(delete this) first grade in Senior High School (how can she be in first grade and a Senior in High School? You can state that "she is a freshman, sophomore, senior...in High School) , << (again comma splice, use "." instead) she got the <<(wrong article, should be "a") scholarship in this << (since you didn't introduce the school's name, no one knows what school "this" is. "the present school" is more appropriate) present school. I am so proud of her. But if want to say the truth, <<<(who wants to tell the truth?)I am ought to have one big brother. He was born premature. <<(this sentence doesn't make sense. I guess you wanted to state that "I actually had an older brother but he died a week after being prematurely born then nursed in the incubator.")Based on my mother story,<< (you can say "According to my mother,") his weight was no more than one <<("a" is more natural way to use)kilogram, <<(comma spice)his body was so small that could be clasped.<<(you mean "could fit in the palm"?) He even couldn’t << (couldn't even) take a breath of fresh air. He laid in (the)<<(you need an article here) incubator and just persist <<(should be in past tense "persisted" in there for less that (than) a week. Because of that<<(ambigous, because of your borther's death? If so then it would be better to write "Because of the loss of my older brother,") I am often imagine how the fell have a big brother and sometime I felt jealous if I saw my friends was being met by their brother after school. <<(I don't quite understand this sentence. Here is my guess "Because of the loss of my brother, I have realized how sad it was having no brothers. I envied my friends every time I saw them getting picked up by their bothers after school.) My father is a technician and my mother is a housewife. Even thought <<(though)I was born in (an)<<(article needed) unfortunate-financially family but I love and (am) so proud of both of(delete) my parents.

    So after edited you should have something like this:

    My name is Jannifer Hadibowo. I am the eldest child in my family. I have one sister, and she is 3 years younger than me. Now, she is a senior in High School. She got a scholarship in the present school. I am so proud of her. I actually had an older brother but he died a week after being prematurely born then nursed in the incubator. According to my mother, his weight was no more than a kilogram. His body was so small that could fit in the palm. He couldn't even take a breath of fresh air. He laid in the incubator and just persisted in there for less than a week. Because of the loss of my older brother, I have realized how sad it was having no brothers. I envied my friends every time I saw them getting picked up by their bothers after school. My father is a technician and my mother is a housewife. Even though I was born in an unfortunate-financially family, but I love and am so proud of my parents.


    i'll let someone else correct the rest for you. good luck!
    Last edited by cner01; 01-Dec-2007 at 00:27.

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