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  1. #1
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    Default environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    Can you please tell me what's wrong with this essay and help me reduce the amount of words to 350?

    Task:
    Your tutor has asked you to write an essay based on the title below.
    "Generally the future of mankind looks bright. Those who argue otherwise are being unnecessarily pessimistic."
    How far do you agree with this opinion?
    Here's my essay.

    Has mankind actually unleashed a bomb which could fulminate within the next decade? Or are the supporters of this theory only being pessimistic for no apparent reason? It undeniably is a sad fact that with the rates which man has been using natural resources there might not be a planet earth for the next generation. However, this is only a prediction which will not realize if there is a way for the self-destruction countdown to be reversed.

    It is well known that nature can regenerate. Ecosystems have a way of replenishing their resources which are man’s resources as well. Fossil fuels are still available if you know where to look and the reason for this is because Mother Nature was made with enough supplies to begin with and with the ability to producing enough for the future. What is more, a forest can reproduce itself if selectively cut or if a fire occurs. Longleaf pine has an additional adaptation to fire since each route system is surrounded by a tuft of green needles which protects the plant’s growing point against fire.

    Man has also been lending a helping hand to nature’s attempt to survive. Pressure groups like Greenpeace and WWF have raised people’s awareness to such sensitive matters and now an increasing number of people are adopting environment-friendly manners such as recycling. Hybrid cars are also becoming exponentially popular which means that pollution levels will lower in the next years.

    Those improvements do not, however, compensate for the fact that insensible power usage is still to be contained and that a large number of industrial plants are so irresponsible as to pollute the atmosphere and oceans with their exhausts. What is worse, many companies’ refusal to make their products CFC free, as a result of them not caring about the ozone layer, may have lethal effect on humans and plants of the earth. Finally, unless the carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere decrease, all continents will drown under Antarctica’s melted ice due to global warming.

    In conclusion, while there is reason behind many people’s fear for mankind’s ongoing existence, there is also one very shiny silver lightning on a dark cloud. Further changes have to be made in order to ensure that our descendants live to see a better day.

    380 words
    Thanks in advance.
    Last edited by Greekgirl; 02-Dec-2007 at 21:19.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    Quote Originally Posted by Greekgirl View Post
    Can you please tell me what's wrong with this essay and help me reduce the number of words to 350?
    I'll take a stab at it.



    Quote Originally Posted by Greekgirl View Post
    Has mankind actually unleashed a bomb which could fulminate within the next decade? Or are the supporters of this theory only
    being pessimistic for no apparent reason? It undeniably is a sad fact that at the rate man has been using natural resources there might not be a planet earth for the next generation. However, this prediction which will not be realized if there is a way for the self-destruction countdown to be reversed.
    Has mankind unleashed a bomb which could fulminate within the next decade? Or are the supporters of this theory being pessimistic for no apparent reason? At the rate man has been using natural resources there might not be a planet earth for the next generation. However, this prediction which will not be realized if there is a way for the self-destruction countdown to be reversed.



    Quote Originally Posted by Greekgirl View Post
    It is well known that nature can regenerate. Ecosystems have a way of replenishing their resources which are manís resources as well. Fossil fuels are still available if you know where to look and the reason for this is that Mother Nature was made with enough supplies to begin with and with the ability to produce enough for the future. What is more, a forest can reproduce itself if selectively cut or if a fire occurs. Longleaf pine has an additional adaptation to fire since each root system is surrounded by a tuft of green needles which protects the plantís growing point against fire.

    Man has also been lending a helping hand to natureís attempt to survive. Pressure groups like Greenpeace and WWF have raised peopleís awareness to such sensitive matters and now an increasing number of people are adopting environment-friendly habits such as recycling. Hybrid cars are also becoming exponentially popular which means that pollution levels will lower in the next few years.

    Those improvements do not, however, compensate for the fact that insensible power usage is still to be contained and that a large number of industrial plants are so irresponsible as to pollute the atmosphere and oceans with their exhausts. What is worse, many companiesí refusal to make their products CFC free, as a result of them not caring about the ozone layer, may have a lethal effect on humans and plants of the earth. Finally, unless the carbon dioxide levels in the atmosphere decrease, all continents will drown under Antarcticaís melted ice due to global warming.
    New word count: 325

    What do you think?


  3. #3
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    Default Re: environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    You cut adjectives and adverbs and you cut the fat.

    ~R

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    Default Re: environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    Wow, thank you. Is my conclusion OK, too?
    Also, if you count the conlusion in, it's still 370 words.
    One last thing...
    However, this prediction which will not be realized if there is a way for the self-destruction countdown to be reversed.
    I believe this sentence does not make sense any more. Or is it just me?

    Thanks a million times, again.

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    Default Re: environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    However, this prediction which will not be realized if there is a way for the self-destruction countdown to be reversed.

    "...this is a prediction that will not..."

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    Default Re: environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    Quote Originally Posted by Greekgirl View Post
    Wow, thank you. Is my conclusion OK, too?
    Also, if you leave the conlusion in, it's still 370 words.
    Exactly!


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    Default Re: environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    Quote Originally Posted by Anglika View Post
    However, this prediction which will not be realized if there is a way for the self-destruction countdown to be reversed.

    "...this is a prediction that will not..."
    How about simply deleting the "which"?

    (I missed that. I read it as if the "which" wasn't there. Somehow, I saw: "However, this prediction will not be realized if....")

    ~R

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    Default Re: environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    Quote Originally Posted by Greekgirl View Post
    One last thing...
    Quote:

    However, this prediction which will not be realized if there is a way for the self-destruction countdown to be reversed.
    I believe this sentence does not make sense any more. Or is it just me?

    Thanks a million times, again.
    Actually, it is not a sentence. It is a clause. You have to take "which" out for it to be a sentence. (I'll read that section again.)

    ~R

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    Default Re: environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    At the rate man has been using natural resources there might not be a planet earth for the next generation. However, this prediction will not be realized if there is a way for the self-destruction countdown to be reversed.
    The preceding sentence is, technically, not a prediction. (It uses "might not".) However, I think the sentence in question (in bold) is OK.
    Has mankind unleashed a bomb which could fulminate within the next decade? Or are the supporters of this theory being pessimistic for no apparent reason?
    In the second sentence, the phrase "for no apparent reason" could be replaced with "for no good reason" or "without justification".

    ~R

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    Default Re: environmental essay for CPE, please correct

    Thanks, Anglika!


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