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    • Join Date: Oct 2007
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    #1

    Exclamation My date by moonlight

    This night I'm a bit possessed. When I lay back on my bed, some anonymous soul has called me and a lot of shine of their eyes stares at me. I'm unable to know from where I've heard this muttering. Suddenly, their torn arms with their prominent bones penetrated my arteries. I painfuly closed my eyes and screamed from the pain of their penetrating.



    In this snowy night I have a special date with my sacred priest. I desperately need to one necromancy session ... with a lot of mascots and presentation of my sacrifices.
    This day he will love me more than anything. He will torture me strictly. And I'll ask him reading my last rites.

    I've heard his footsteps.. his footsteps kept getting closer. I had to meet him in our promised place.. catacomb.



    Hello. This writing is not complete it needs a lot of time. I just want to correct my mistakes and give some advices about it. This is the first trying with orgiastic sakes.
    Thank you.
    Last edited by Devil's tear; 07-Dec-2007 at 23:51.


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
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    #2

    Re: My date by moonlight

    I have made some changes and comments.

    Quote Originally Posted by Devil's tear View Post
    This night I'm a bit possessed. When I lay back on my bed, some anonymous soul has called me and a lot of shine of their [one soul = its/his/her] eyes stares at me. I'm unable to know from where I've heard [hear] this muttering. Suddenly, their torn arms with their prominent bones penetrated my arteries. I painfully closed my eyes and screamed from the pain of their penetrating.



    In this snowy night I have a special date with my sacred priest. I desperately need to [need does not require "to"] one necromancy session ... with a lot of mascots [a mascot is something that represents an organization and brings it luck - try "fetish" or "talisman"] and presentation of my sacrifices.
    This day he will love me more than anything. He will torture me strictly. And I'll ask him reading [to read me] my last rites.

    I've heard his footsteps.. his footsteps kept getting closer. I had [am/have]to meet him in our promised place.. catacomb.



    Hello. This writing is not complete; it needs a lot of time. I just want you to correct my mistakes and give some advice about it. This is the first trying with orgiastic sakes.[what do you mean by this phase?]
    Thank you.

    You are using both past and present tenses - sometimes in the same sentence. It will be more vivid if you make it in the present tense.


    • Join Date: Oct 2007
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    #3

    Re: My date by moonlight

    orgiastic sakes
    Orgiastic= sacred pleasures. Orgiastic means that it has nothing to do with any religious doing. It's an adjective word. For ex: necromancy sessions, Reading last rites,Drinking kids's blood, Virgins's screaming, Deads's suffering inside their graves...etc. I'm sure about it I quoted it from a Gothic song and I loved it.

    Sakes= kind of writing.

    Thank you so much Anglika.

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