Results 1 to 3 of 3
  1. #1
    esophea is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Cambodian
      • Home Country:
      • Cambodia
      • Current Location:
      • Cambodia
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Posts
    115
    Post Thanks / Like

    Red face help edit and recommend my essay pleas

    Can any one plesae help me editing and rating my essay below?
    and I want to add example, but i can not think of it.
    would you please if you can give me example?

    Question:
    Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

    Answer:
    Human beings are the most exciting children of the nature but at the same time they injure severely their own mother. I suppose that human activity changes the face of the Earth dramatically and the result of such activity we could see in the effects like extinction of very many species and global warming.

    Global warming is one of the most visible effects of mankind’s operations. The greenhouse effect is the increasing of the global temperature because of carbon dioxide emission into the atmosphere. Since the green plants use the carbon dioxide during the photosynthesis some scientists believe that greenhouse effect may have advantages like the bigger amount of the yield. But most scientists guess that the change of climate has had the negative consequences: modification of air composition, melting of icecaps and flooding of the great amount of dry land. We could maintain the balance by increasing the amount of forests but we act in the opposite way.

    As the result of human actions several hundreds of species have became extinct every year. Some rare species destroyed by the guns, some by the pollution. For instance there were millions of bisons in the North America, but after the arriving of the civilization you could see these mighty animals only in the reserves. You could suppose that the reserves are the excellent solution but they are only the drops in the ocean. Another example is the change of the ecosystem of the world’s biggest fresh lake. After the building the paper producing factory on the Baikal’s shore many species of fishes became extinct because of tremendous water pollution.

    Since the mankind need in more energy and food it starts to transform the nature too fast. Some time we will realize it and I believe it will not be too late.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    21
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: help edit and recommend my essay pleas

    Hello There,

    By correcting your essay, I am also learning English from you, so please don't humble yourself when I just bring up my opinion. When I study ESL and if I made mistakes: "verb tense", I would get score -1 point, "comma and period", -1/2 point, and "article and capital" -1/4 point. If you look at your entire essay again, you used just three commas. I believed readers understood your essay, but I don't think your ESL teacher's happy about these. Please check coordinating conjunctions and using commas where is needed.

    The first paragraph (introduction), you should open wider, then narrow your main ideas: For example, In the world, some people think they are building the beautiful earth for their lives, but other are against to that idea because the earth are being destroyed by them. Your opinion: "extinction of very many species and global warming"

    The second paragraph (body): you wrote: "Global warming is one of the most visible effects of mankind’s operations. The greenhouse effect is the increasing of the global temperature because of carbon dioxide emission into the atmosphere"

    your idea was not strong to support "goble warming". At least you should tell readers that why the globle warming? why the globle is hoter? For example: many factories, many cars' smoke, people burn garbage . . . . .
    (look like the third paragraph, you tell readers people kill animal . . .). then you describle how all those cause the globle warming: such as carbon dioxide emission into the atmosphere . . . .

    The third paragraph, I thought OK.

    The last paragraph (final thought): you should write the summary your main ideas and tell readers what we should do to save our globle.

    Good luck

    NamThao
    Last edited by namthao; 10-Dec-2007 at 13:19.

  3. #3
    lonny is offline Newbie
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    1
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: help edit and recommend my essay pleas

    Question:
    Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

    Answer:
    Human beings are the most exciting children of the nature but at the same time they injure severely their own mother. I suppose that human activity changes the face of the Earth dramatically and the result of such activity we could see in the effects like extinction of very many species and global warming.

    Global warming is one of the most visible effects of mankind’s operations. The greenhouse effect is the increasing of the global temperature because of carbon dioxide emission into the atmosphere. Since the green plants use the carbon dioxide during the photosynthesis some scientists believe that greenhouse effect may have advantages like the bigger amount of the yield. But most scientists guess that the change of climate has had the negative consequences: modification of air composition, melting of icecaps and flooding of the great amount of dry land. We could maintain the balance by increasing the amount of forests but we act in the opposite way.

    As the result of human actions several hundreds of species have became extinct every year. Some rare species destroyed by the guns, some by the pollution. For instance there were millions of bisons in the North America, but after the arriving of the civilization you could see these mighty animals only in the reserves. You could suppose that the reserves are the excellent solution but they are only the drops in the ocean. Another example is the change of the ecosystem of the world’s biggest fresh lake. After the building the paper producing factory on the Baikal’s shore many species of fishes became extinct because of tremendous water pollution.

    Since the mankind need in more energy and food it starts to transform the nature too fast. Some time we will realize it and I believe it will not be too late.

    _____________________________________________
    Too many 'the'
    of nature not THE nature
    not 'their mother' no sense better their planet

    the not 'the increasing' but 'increasing'

    the not 'the green plants' but 'green plants'

    the not 'the carbon di' but 'carbon di'

    the not 'the negative' but 'negative'

    the not 'the dry...' simply 'land'

    grammer simple present ' become extinct'

    'after the arrivial of' not 'arriving'

    fish not 'fishes'

    the not ' the mankind' but 'mankind'

    need of' not 'need in'

    not 'it' mankind is not an 'it' u must say 'mankind'

    not 'the' but 'nature'

    Hope this helps.

    Lonny

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Hotchalk