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Thread: His absence

  1. #1
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    Question His absence

    His absence has made my heart grow fonder.. as a generous tree when it grows to give human some shadow and safety..
    Inside my heartache he has lived, the animalism of his nature has wailed inside my soul
    No one knows who is I'm when I fell in love.. no one knows how is my appetite if I lost my desire

    I've cried my eyes out on his bed and needyly, I've smelt the remainders of his clothes

    I need to pour my lorn tears at his feet


    I tried so hard on this writing. And I tried to work at my tense prob.
    Hope to correct me.

  2. #2
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: His absence

    Quote Originally Posted by Devil's tear View Post
    His absence has made my heart grow fonder.. as a generous tree when it grows to give human some shadow and safety..
    Inside my heartache he has lived, the animalism of his nature has wailed inside my soul
    No one knows who is I'm [who I am OR Who it is I am] when I fell [fall] in love.. no one knows how is my appetite if I lost my desire [how my appetite dies if I lose my love OR how my appetite died if I lost my love. "Love" is more usually used to represent your loved one than "desire" - but your choice in the end!]

    I've cried my eyes out on his bed and needyly,[greedily OR with longing would both be better] I've smelt the remainders of his clothes

    I need to pour my lorn [archaic - "desolate" is better] tears at his feet


    I tried so hard on this writing. And I tried to work at my tense prob.
    Hope to correct me.
    Still some confusion of past and present in the same sentence.

    Some lovely phrases - I like "the animalism of his nature has wailed inside my soul"

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: His absence

    Anglika has done a good job of figuring out what you meant to say. I want to focus on:
    His absence has made my heart grow fonder.
    It uses an old, outworn saying ("Absence makes the heart grow fonder."). What you really want to say is something like:
    I miss him terribly. My heart aches for him.
    What do you think?

  4. #4
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    Default Re: His absence

    Quote Originally Posted by Anglika View Post
    Still some confusion of past and present in the same sentence.

    Some lovely phrases - I like "the animalism of his nature has wailed inside my soul"
    Thank you Angelika. You have given me some hope to be a good writer.
    I'm so glad to read this from a native speaker.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: His absence

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    Anglika has done a good job of figuring out what you meant to say. I want to focus on:
    His absence has made my heart grow fonder.

    It uses an old, outworn saying ("Absence makes the heart grow fonder."). What you really want to say is something like:
    I miss him terribly. My heart aches for him.
    What do you think?
    I miss him terribly Ronbee. My heart aches for him.

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