Could you please edit and correct any mistakes in my writing? Thanking you in advance.
Mai is my neighbor. She turned 16 recently and her parents held a birthday party for her, and I was one of those invited. The party began at about three in the afternoon. There were about twenty of us gathering in Mai's house. She didn’t
want to have
the party at a restaurant because it would be noisy and expensive. We gave presents to Mai and she
happily : this sounds like she wasn't annoyed or irritated about having to open so many presents, which is not your meaning, so...
eagerly opened them.
It must really be exciting to receive so many presents.
After that, Mai's mother served us soft drinks and biscuits. We then listened to music and played cards. The winners were given prizes. At about four-thirty, Mai's mother brought out the birthday cake. It was beautifully decorated with pink and white icing. Sixteen coloured candles sat in the middle of the cake. We all clapped our hands
now, I've caused you to use 'eagerly' again, as in 'eagerly opened them' above. So what about..
and sang "Happy Birthday" as she blew out the candles and
cut the cake. We helped ourselves to slices of the delicious cake
this repeats 'cake', so what about...
cut the cake. We helped ourselves to slices - it was delicious -
and sang all the songs that we knew. Finally at about six in the evening, the party came to an end. We were all tired but happy.
This is really good English. When you read it out loud, do you notice that the sentences are quite short? This gives your story a start-stop-start-stop rhythm, instead of 'flowing', which would capture the excitement of a party.
Maybe you might like to see if you could combine some of the short sentences to make longer ones, to give it that sense of 'flow'?