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  1. #1
    correctme Guest

    Post A joyful reunion

    My composition sounds unreal. Something is missing from the composition but i just cant figure out what. What should be added to make it more real, to form an image? What is missing? Action? or? Please comment, the harsher the better. Thanks! Please correct my mistake if there is.


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    -A joyful reunion-

    Nana, my nine years old sister, was fiddling with our baby hamster. Mother bellowed at me.

    “Julie! Tell your Dad to clean up the cage!” Mother bawled and added, “he loves to forget,” she emphasized. Father fixed his eyes on mother and shouted.

    “Julie! Tell your Mum that I am old enough to remember!” Father glared. I am a fifteen years old teenager with short black hair. I lived with my family since I was born. My father is a bad-tempered lion and my mother cares too much. My younger sister knows nothing about life. My parents had been quarreling for two months now. It all started with my Mum who ate my Dad’s chicken wings.

    “Julie! Tell your Dad that I’m glad he knows his age!” Mother commented sarcastically. Father ignored her. My father is a strong and handsome man, and my mother is a slim and pretty lady with long curled hair. She dyed her hair light brown last year and my Dad went to dye his hair dark brown after that.

    I was bouncing around the house with my brand new bouncing ball and figuring out what life was all about. Suddenly, a tiny fur ball shot past me.

    “No!” Nana squeaked. The baby hamster had escaped! It was small enough to fit into a tiny cookie jar. It had the nose of the tip of a pencil. The grey hamster dashed across the living room and vanished under the sofa. The whole family was searching for it frantically. Mother hamster looked very worried in its cage. While father was flipping over the sofa’s seats, mother crawled on her knees, searching like a cat. Nana flattened herself on the floor, moving as if she was a lizard and screaming for the hamster. I was bouncing around the house, eyeing for any sign of movement. Where exactly was that hamster?

    Mother hamster was climbing the cage, trying to get out. The whole house was in a mess! Sofas were overturned, papers were flying everywhere and chairs were placed all over the place. Then, the hamster appeared. Everyone made a dash towards the helpless hamster. It got shocked and fled. I felt as if it was a game of ‘Chase the mice’. My mother, father, sister and I ran after that naughty hamster. I was draining out of energy, panting and grabbing for air. It was tough catching a mouse!

    “It’s over there, Dad!” Mother cried, pointing to a black dot at the corner of the living room.

    “Good! I’m coming!” Dad gleamed. I was stunned. My parents were working together! I stood on the ground, watching my father chasing after the hamster.

    “Hurry, Dad!” The whole family cheered on. They ran into the kitchen. The baby hamster shot into the bathroom. My Dad bolted after it. He cleverly slammed the door shut. The hamster was cornered. There was no place to run, no place to hide. My father, the big cat, scooped the hamster up gently. He opened the door and walked out proudly. Then, he returned the hamster to its cage. It squeaked and darted towards Mother Hamster.

    “Good job, Dad!” Mother praised happily. Father beamed. The war was over and the baby hamster was saved. I finally figured out what life was all about, it was about happiness. What a joyful reunion!


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  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: A joyful reunion

    Say:
    Nana, my nine-year-old sister, was playing with the baby hamster.

  3. #3
    pleasecorrectme is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: A joyful reunion

    Thanks! It definitely sounds nicer!

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: A joyful reunion

    Quote Originally Posted by correctme View Post
    -A joyful reunion-

    Nana, my nine years old sister, was fiddling with our baby hamster. Mother bellowed at me.

    “Julie! Tell your Dad to clean up the cage!” Mother bawled and added, “he loves to forget,” she emphasized. Father fixed his eyes on mother and shouted.



    “Julie! Tell your Mum that I am old enough to remember!” Father glared. I am a fifteen years old teenager with short black hair. I lived with my family since I was born. My father is a bad-tempered lion and my mother cares too much. My younger sister knows nothing about life. My parents had been quarreling for two months now. It all started with my Mum who ate my Dad’s chicken wings.
    Nana, my nine-year-old sister, was playing with our baby hamster. Mother bellowed at me.

    “Julie! Tell your Dad to clean up the cage!” Mother bawled and added, “he loves to forget,” she emphasized. Father fixed his eyes on mother and shouted. “Julie! Tell your Mum that I am old enough to remember!”

    I am a fifteen-year-old teenager with short black hair. I have lived with my family since I was born. My father is a bad-tempered lion and my mother cares too much. My younger sister knows nothing about life. My parents have been quarreling for two months now. It all started when my mum ate my dad’s chicken wings.


    Quote Originally Posted by correctme View Post
    -“Julie! Tell your Dad that I’m glad he knows his age!” Mother commented sarcastically. Father ignored her. My father is a strong and handsome man, and my mother is a slim and pretty lady with long curled hair. She dyed her hair light brown last year and my Dad went to dye his hair dark brown after that.
    “Julie! Tell your Dad that I’m glad he knows his age!” Mother commented sarcastically. Father ignored her. My father is a strong and handsome man, and my mother is a slim and pretty lady with long curly hair. She dyed her hair light brown last year and my Dad dyed his hair dark brown after that.
    Eh?

  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: A joyful reunion

    Say:
    looking for any sign of movement (rather than "eying for....")
    ~R

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