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  1. #1
    belly_ttt is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please correct me with the essay

    Topic: The problem of particular groups of people are constantly in the media nowadays. Ex: women in the work force, racial or religious minorities, the poor, the elderly, and drug addicts etc. to name by the field. Imagine that you're an influential member of the government. If you could choose to imporve the lives of one particular group in your country, who would you choose? Describe some of the problems that confront these people and discuss what measure you will take to try and improve their situations
    My work: (Am I right to write "my work" here?)
    Were I an influential member of the government, I would help the parentless children to make their lives better. In this essay, I will aslo describe some of the problems that confront these people and discuss what measure I will take to improve their situation.
    Parentless children, or orphans, normally lead miserable lives due to the lack of education and materials. Obviously there are some orphanges but not every child has the chance to live in. It is time the government did something about the problem. One of the measures I suggest is to build more and more orphanages, the more the better. Secondly, the government will have to gather groups of those orphans and send them right away to orphanages. Every child will have chance to go to vocational school to learn. However, before we did all the things, we should found charity funds and add a small amount of taxes called "charity taxes" to every adult. They have to pay it without exception. A charity fund might well be operated every other month and the taxes come once a year. Some may not want to pay, so we have to make them pay at all costs. The tax can be fluctuating from two hundreds to five hundreds Viet Nam dong and I think that is an acceptable amount for almost every adult.
    To sum up, I-the governor will put all of the measures above in operation, perhaps after a vote. Everyone bears in their minds that even orphans have the child rights so we cannot ignore them all. We should help them at all costs and train them to be the workforce of our country.

  2. #2
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: Please correct me with the essay

    Quote Originally Posted by belly_ttt View Post
    My work: (Am I right to write "my work" here?How about "My Proposals")
    Were I an influential member of the government, I would help the [delete - not required] parentless children to make their lives better. In this essay, I will aslo describe some of the problems that confront these people and discuss what measures I will take to improve their situation.
    Parentless children, or orphans, normally lead miserable lives due to the lack of education and materials. Obviously there are some orphanges but not every child has the chance to live in one. It is time the government did something about the problem. One of the measures I suggest is to build more and more orphanages, the more the better. Secondly, the government will have to gather groups of these orphans and send them right away to orphanages [Why? you need to explain this]. Every child will have the chance to go to vocational school to learn. However, before we did all these things, we should found charity funds and add a small amount of taxes called "charity taxes" to every adult. They have to pay it without exception. A charity fund might well be operated every other month and the taxes come once a year. Some may not want to pay, so we have to make them pay at all costs. The tax can be fluctuating from two hundreds to five hundreds Viet Nam dong, which I think is an acceptable amount for almost every adult.
    To sum up, I - the governor - will put all of the measures above into operation, perhaps after a vote. Everyone bears in their minds that even orphans have the child rights [human rights] so we cannot ignore them all. We should help them at all costs and train them to be the workforce of our country.

    You need to decide if you are writing this as if you are really in the position to do things or are merely describing what you might do. Check your use of tenses. Personally, I feel it would be more effective if you wrote it as if you can do something. For instance, the first sentence could read "As an influential member of the government, I am going to help parentless children to have better lives".

    I also do not think you have included enough about the problems facing the orphans struggling to survive on the streets.

  3. #3
    belly_ttt is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please correct me with the essay

    I think because I'm an influential member of the government, I'll have to suggest what we should do to the upper part (the paliarment etc.)
    Child right is a word, you can google it for sure
    I'll come back with a revised version of the essay but you should bear in mind that I'll only have 30 mins so cannot go through any prodigious progress

  4. #4
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: Please correct me with the essay

    I will look forward to it.

    "children's rights" would be better than "child rights". Beware of Google - it is not always the best source of information.

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