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  1. #1
    pleasecorrectme is offline Newbie
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    Post Please correct my essay ( repetition )

    Please help me with the repetition! I can't seem to replace it. How can I improve this essay? I need your guidence! Thank you so much!




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    Tricked


    “Julie! Stop your work and come here right now!” Mother tapped her foot impatiently. “Wait a minute!” As usual, I was watching ‘The Ant Hunter’ on the television every Sundays.

    “It’s ending soon!” Pleading, I turned to take a short peek at my mother’s expression. She looked horrible! Her head was flaming with fire and her eyes were popping out. She shot me her deadly stare. Immediately, I sprang out of my comfortable Sofa and waved Good-bye to my show.

    “Do you need an invitation?” Before I could defend myself, mother handed me an enormous bag of groceries. “Take this to the kitchen, this room needs tidying!” Whining, I dragged my heavy feet to the kitchen.

    That bag was heavy! It felt as if I was carrying huge boulders. My legs wobbled and melted. All fruits and vegetables rolled out of the bag. “Opps!” I swung my body around, spying on mother. She was busy vacuuming the floor. I shot to the ground and started grabbing the oranges. They were bouncing all over the floor! Then, I saw something. I crawled nearer to have a closer look.

    There were two ants, a red one and a black one. I crept closer. The ants were fighting! I kneeled down curiously to see what happen next.

    The red one circled the black one, eyeing for a chance to strike. The black knight twitched its feelers vigorously. The red knight stopped. It retreated a few steps. Then, it dashed towards the dark knight. The red knight caught hold of the dark knight. It wrapped its feet around the dark knight. It looked as if the red ant was winning the war! Suddenly, the dark knight broke free. It was no weakling! It was his turn to strike back.

    The black ant circled the red ant with great speed, trying to confuse the red ant. The red ant stood like a statue, thinking of strategies. Then, the black ant aimed its deadly teeth and darted towards the red one! They were little warriors, fighting with their lives.

    The red ant was stabbed by the teeth. It was injured! The red ant decided to pretend death. It flattened itself and lay absolutely still. The black ant advanced towards the red ant. Did he win? The black ant was not sure. The red ant took his chance. It sank its teeth into the black ant, piercing through the tiny black armor. It was tricked! The black ant cringed in pain. The ruthless red knight was not satisfied. It plucked the black ant’s leg out one by one, torturing it. As soon as the eighth leg was pulled out, the black ant died.

    “Julie! What are you doing!” I swirled around. It was mother! “I was looking at ants,” pointing to the red ant. Mother bent down to have a look. “Ants!” she smacked the red ant, squashing it, “What are you looking at? Go and pick up the things you’ve dropped!” I was stunned.

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  2. #2
    hoang21anh's Avatar
    hoang21anh is offline Newbie
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    Smile Re: Please correct my essay ( repetition )

    “Julie! Stop your work and come here right now!” Mother tapped her foot impatiently. “Wait a minute!” As usual, I was watching ‘The Ant Hunter’ on the television every Sundays. (no "s")

    “It’s ending soon!” Pleading, I turned to take a short peek at my mother’s expression. She looked horrible! Her head was flaming with fire and her eyes were popping out. She shot me by her deadly stare. Immediately, I sprang out of my comfortable Sofa and waved Good-bye to my show.

    “Do you need an invitation?” Before I could defend myself, mother had handed me an enormous bag of groceries. “Take this to the kitchen, this room needs tidying!” Whiningly, I dragged my heavy feet to the kitchen.

    That bag was heavy! It (Not "it", I think it's "I") felt as if I was (not "was", I'm sure that must be "had been") carrying huge boulders. My legs wobbled and melted. All fruits and vegetables rolled out of the bag. “Opps!”( "oops", not "opps") I swung my body around, spying on mother. She was busy vacuuming the floor. I shot to the ground and started grabbing the oranges. They were bouncing all over the floor! Then, I saw something. I crawled nearer to have a closer look.

    There were two ants, a red one and a black one. I crept closer. The ants were fighting! I kneeled down curiously to see what would happen next.

    The red one circled the black one, eyeing for a chance to strike. The black knight twitched its feelers vigorously. The red knight stopped. It retreated a few steps. Then, it dashed towards the dark knight. The red knight caught hold of the dark knight. It wrapped its feet around the dark knight. It looked as if the red ant was (had been)winning the war! Suddenly, the dark knight broke free. It was no weakling! It was his turn to strike back.

    The black ant circled the red ant with great speed, trying to confuse the red ant. The red ant stood like a statue, thinking of strategies. Then, the black ant aimed its deadly teeth and darted towards the red one! They were little warriors, fighting with (I think "for" is better than "with")their lives.

    The red ant was stabbed by the teeth. It was injured! The red ant decided to pretend death. It flattened itself and lay absolutely still. The black ant advanced towards the red ant. Did he win? The black ant was not sure. The red ant took his chance. It sank its teeth into the black ant, piercing through the tiny black armor. It was tricked! The black ant cringed in pain. The ruthless red knight was not satisfied. It plucked the black ant’s leg out one by one, torturing it. As soon as the eighth leg was pulled out, the black ant died.

    “Julie! What are you doing?” I swirled around. It was mother! “I was looking at some ants,” pointing to the red ant. Mother bent down to have a look. “Ants!” she smacked the red ant, squashing it, “What are you looking at? Go and pick up the things you’ve dropped!” I was stunned.

    That's what I can do.

  3. #3
    pleasecorrectme is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please correct my essay ( repetition )

    Thanks! You definitely helped me alot ! I am so grateful!

  4. #4
    hoang21anh's Avatar
    hoang21anh is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please correct my essay ( repetition )

    You're welcome!

  5. #5
    Essayhelp is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please correct my essay ( repetition )

    My family and I needed to get away from the hustle and bustle, just for a day. We only had a small amount of money to spend. We couldn’t afford to spend too much money. So, we struck out to Wild Animal Safari in Pine Mountain, Georgia. We left the house about 7:00a.m. The drive seemed long and drug out. There is no scenery, just a lot of winding roads and trees. It took us about two hours to get there. Finally, we made it.

    Wild Animal Safari is a 500 acre drive through zoo where visitors can see, touch, and feed many exotic animals. Although, you can drive your own vehicle through the zoo, I wouldn’t advise it. We rented one of the parks zebra vans. It’s was a 1995 Ford F250 they painted with black and white strips to look like a zebra. The windows had been removed and bars put in their place. The seats were dusty and dirty from exposure to the weather. Nevertheless, we loaded into the old van. We were ready to see and feed the animals and they were ready to eat.

    We purchased food from the zoo. Each of us had a pound of food to feed the animals. Upon the entrance of the zoo we crossed over huge grates. The grates are there to keep the animals contained within certain perimeters. Wild Animal Safari has many exotic animals, for example, zebras, mountain goats, rhinos, giraffes, camels, etc. The first animals to greet us were the zebras and mountain goats. They swarmed our vehicle. We feed them what we thought was plenty; apparently they didn’t think they had enough. We quit feeding them, so they would go away and we could feed some of the other animals, however they didn’t go away. The Mt goat butted the van and the zebra kicked it, in an effort to get our attention for more food. When another vehicle began to drive through the zoo it got the zebras and mountain goats’ attention and they started the process all over with the new arrivals. There are a lot of deer. The deer are courteous. They wait for you to throw the food out. The buffalo is enormous. With slobber hanging from its chin, the buffalo began feeling around the inside of the van with its’ tongue looking for food. One of the boys threw some food into its mouth very quickly to keep from getting saliva on himself.

    Up ahead, were giraffes, camels, emus and an ostrich. The giraffes and camels are in a ten foot fence. The giraffes are so tall they are able to reach over the fence and get food out of our hand and off the top of the van. The camels are a little more contained. We throw food into the fence for them. We had to be very careful not to spend too much time with the camels, because they have been known to spit. There were several emus. Emu and ostrich peck to get food; therefore, we threw the food out of the vehicle for them.

    The best time to go is in the morning when the park first opens at 9:00a.m. Central time, 10:00a.m. eastern time. The animals are hungry and ready to eat. The rate for entry depend on many variables, it’s difficult to give accurate information on cost. At this time their rates are $17.95 per adult and $14.95 for children. When my family and I went a few weeks ago it cost the four of us about $70. If you need to go on a short inexpensive vacation,you will really enjoy Wild Animal Safari. My family and I have been twice. We all really enjoyed it.

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