At VCE level,I would say these would both get very good grades. They have what people are looking for- they are clear, organised.
The style of the first is fine.
The second reads more like a newspaper report than a factual report. I presume they want a genuine accident report, in which case the way it is written doesn't fit exactly. It would be fine for an article. If it is a report, shouldn't there be headings and shouldn't it look at the facts, then the cause? Instead of starting with names, start with the crash,, give details,then an explanation.