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Thread: Grammar

  1. #1
    empacaon is offline Newbie
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    Post Grammar

    Hi, I just want to ask if my grammar in these sentences are correct:

    1. A boy was wandering on a hillside when he suddenly saw a portal leading to a place of unknown. There, he learned that by making decisions, he can either save or kill his lost family.

    2. A 12-year old boy has always kept hatred for his family because of their unexplainable strictness. So one time, he wished that they would just disappear in this world so he could do whatever he wants. After a while, he experienced loneliness without his family so he wished again that his family would come back soon. While wandering on a hillside, he then saw a portal. He was curious what’s inside so he came closer.
    Inside the portal, he saw nothing but darkness. He was afraid and wanted to go back where he came from, but he realized that the portal was already closed. He shouted for help, but the only reply he got was a voice behind the darkness. The voice said that he wanted to test the boy’s faith in his decisions. The voice reminded the boy that his decisions will affect the outcome of his test— either he will be able to save his family or kill them with his own hands.

    3. The story will start at the root and will revolve around different branches containing different nodes. Each node will then create its own mini-adventure for Markuz, the 12-year old boy in the story.

    4. In a bar setting, Markuz will meet Ana— a close friend of his mother. Ana will reveal to Markuz the secret of his mother’s adultery. Ana will continue telling stories about his mother’s dishonesty to his husband and family as well. Markuz will still be asked if he still wants to save his family. However, there is no turning back in this story. The portal back to node D1 is already closed and he has to proceed to node D1.c2.

    5. Markuz is already confused if he really wants his family to be saved or not. In this empty land setting, he will see a letter written by an unknown person for his parents. The letter says something about Markuz’ real identity. By this time, Markuz confusion will start to increase. Three doors will then be shown and Markuz has to choose on which door he wants to enter (D1.c1, D1.c2, <node>).

    6. Markuz will be able to watch a conversation about his real identity. He’ll learn by this time that he is actually an orphaned child and that his grandparents actually killed his real parents. The story will then proceed to the Bad End node.

    Sorry if it's a lot, but if you see some errors, kindly correct me so hopefully next time, I won't commit these mistakes again. D: Thank you. :)

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Grammar

    Quote Originally Posted by empacaon View Post
    1. A boy was wandering on a hillside when he suddenly saw a portal leading to an unknown place. There, he learned that by making decisions, he could either save or kill his lost family.

    2. A 12-year old boy has always hated his family because of their unexplainable strictness.

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Grammar

    Quote Originally Posted by empacaon View Post
    So one time, he wished that they would just disappear in this world so he could do whatever he wants.
    At one point he wished that they would disappear so that he could do whatever he wanted to do.

    Quote Originally Posted by empacaon View Post
    After a while, he experienced loneliness without his family so he wished again that his family would come back soon.
    After a while, he felt lonely, so he wished to have his family back.

    Quote Originally Posted by empacaon View Post
    While wandering on a hillside, he then saw a portal. He was curious what’s inside so he came closer.
    While he was wandering on a hillside he saw a portal. He was curious about what was inside it so he got closer to it.
    Quote Originally Posted by empacaon View Post
    Inside the portal, he saw nothing but darkness. He was afraid and wanted to go back where he came from, but he realized that the portal was already closed. He shouted for help, but the only reply he got was a voice behind the darkness. The voice said that he wanted to test the boy’s faith in his decisions. The voice reminded the boy that his decisions will affect the outcome of his test— either he will be able to save his family or kill them with his own hands.
    Try:
    a voice coming out of the darkness
    Quote Originally Posted by empacaon View Post
    5. Markuz is already confused if he really wants his family to be saved or not. In this empty land setting, he will see a letter written by an unknown person for his parents. The letter says something about Markuz’ real identity. By this time, Markuz confusion will start to increase. Three doors will then be shown and Markuz has to choose on which door he wants to enter (D1.c1, D1.c2, <node>).
    Try:
    Markuz is confusd about whether he wants to save his family or not.

    Markuz has to choose which door he wants to open.

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