Here some mistakes that u have commited in organizing ur para and they are:
Your topic has too many point and when we write para so we according to the rules of para, divide them on several paras this isthere for your this written piece actually lack the appropriate organization of ideas.(I dont mean your ideas are poor some thing like this).Try to organize them or in other word better to say : give them a logical sequence.
Do remember one thing that Para Writting means to just bring only one central idea in that particular Para no matter whatever your topic is.This is what the demand of Paragraph writting is.
If you need further help and support dont hesitate to contact me as I teach these thing not only here in Afghanistan but in abroad as well.