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Thread: Wall

  1. #1
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    Default Wall

    Dear Teacher,

    Could you please help me polish below English? Thanks in advance!




    Wall

    I had been feeling something quite fishy. One day I stopped the old doorman, and begged him to tell me the truth. He told me, " A sweet couple lived in the apartment ahead of you. One day they flared up into a ferocious fight somehow overnight. The woman evaporated since then, and no one ever saw her again. The guy vanished subsequently after remodeling the apartment. Neighbours noticed the man always whitewashed his walls around midnight. Word had it the guy might have murdered and buried his lover into the wall." I felt grisly after hearing the plot.


    After going back, I combed my residence here and there,up and down but little tinge of the clue was detected. As I sat in my bed exhaustedly, my eyes were stuck to a dubious spot marred by water on the cross wall. The more I gazed at, the more it looked like a figure struggling to burst forth. I got my goose bumps, curled myself up in a blanket and slept.


    I had a night mare at that midnight, seeing a couple quarreled boisterously. The man strangled the woman with a rope on a rampage, and then built her into a wall. I saw fresh blood sheding out of the woman's eyes, and she was desperately struggling in the wall and kept screaming, " set me freeeeeeee! seeeet me freeeeeeeeee!!!...". I was so scared that it woke me up. I couldn't bear it any more and started digging into the wall with a screwdriver.

     
    At last, appeared a small hole, then I caught an eye was sullenly staring at me inside ...

    Good heavens! It came true...

    Suddenly,

    The eye was turned by a mouth, blustering,

    'Dude, Why the hell are you digging through our wall..."

  2. #2
    oregeezer is offline Member
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    Default Re: Wall

    Quote Originally Posted by rainbow402 View Post
    Dear Teacher,

    Could you please help me polish below English? Thanks in advance!

    I love it! What a great surprise ending.

    In order to keep the original 'feel' I have made as few changes as I could to correct the grammar/English. Words to take out are in (RED), words to add are in (GREEN). Your teacher may wish to 'correct' other things, but I think it is fine like tihis. Good luck.

    Wall


    I had been feeling something quite fishy. One day I stopped the old doorman, and begged him to tell me the truth. He told me, " A sweet couple lived in the apartment ahead of you. One day they flared up into a ferocious fight somehow overnight. The woman evaporated since then, and no one ever saw her again. The guy vanished subsequently after remodeling the apartment. Neighbours noticed the man always whitewashed his walls around midnight. Word had it the guy might have murdered and buried his lover (into) in the wall." I felt grisly after hearing the plot.


    After going back, I combed my residence here and there, up and down but little tinge of (the) a clue was detected. As I sat in my bed exhaustedly, my eyes were stuck to a dubious spot marred by water on the cross wall. The more I gazed (at,) the more it looked like a figure struggling to burst forth. I got my goose bumps, curled myself up in a blanket and slept.


    I had a (night mare) nightmare at that midnight, seeing a couple (who) quarreled boisterously. The man strangled the woman with a rope on a rampage, and then built her into a wall. I saw fresh blood sheding out of the woman's eyes, and she was desperately struggling in the wall and kept screaming, " set me freeeeeeee! seeeet me freeeeeeeeee!!!...". I was so scared that it woke me up. I couldn't bear it any more and started digging into the wall with a screwdriver.

     
    At last, appeared a small hole, then I caught an eye (was) sullenly staring at me inside ...

    Good heavens! It came true...

    Suddenly,

    The eye was turned by a mouth, blustering,

    'Dude, Why the hell are you digging through our wall..."
    oregeezer
    Last edited by oregeezer; 12-Feb-2008 at 03:31. Reason: colors

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Wall

    Hi Oregeezer,

    Thanks for your revision. It is helpful.

  4. #4
    susiedqq is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Wall

    I had a bad feeling that something was fishy. I stopped the old doorman and begged him to tell me the truth. He told me, "A sweet couple lived in the apartment before you. One day they flared up into a ferocious fight lasting all night. The woman has evaporated since then, and no one has seen her again. The guy vanished subsequently after remodeling the apartment. Neighbours noticed the man always whitewashing his walls around midnight. Word has it that the guy might have committed murder, then buried his lover in the wall."

    I felt grisly after hearing that story.

    After going back to the apartment, I searched it here and there and up and down, but little tinge of any clues were detected. As I sat in my bed exhausted, my eyes transfixed to a dubious spot on the wall. It looked like it had been marred by water on the cross wall. The more I gazed at, the more it looked like a figure struggling to burst forth. I got goose bumps all over, then curled myself up in a blanket and slept.

    I had a nightmare that night, seeing the couple quarreling boisterously. The man strangled the woman with a rope during the rampage, and then built her into a wall. I saw fresh blood spilling out of the woman's eyes, and she was desperately struggling in the wall and kept screaming, "Set me freeeeeeee! Seeeet me freeeeeeeeee!!!..." I was so scared that it woke me up. I couldn't bear it any more and started digging at the wall with a screwdriver.
     
    At last, I was able to gouge a small hole. I looked inside the wall. Then I saw that an eye was sullenly staring at me from inside ...

    Good heavens! It came true...

    Suddenly, the eye turned into a blustering mouth!

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Wall

    Susiedqq, thank you very much. I just read it.

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