I have taken the IELTS with an overall band 7.00 (Academic) and may be of help for you.
Here are my suggestions:
There is no doubt that governments play an important role in developing their countries. Some people hold a position that a government should not only build roads, control the national military, and provide water for its citizens but also provide all other services. However, others stand on a very different ground. [[[What do those people claim?]]] This essay will outline some arguments for and against the importance of a government’s role in providing services for its people.
[[[I believe you should state in the introduction your own position. This will be decisive in giving you extra marks. So what do you feel is the right answer to the essay question? Do you agree? Disagree? Or you hold both views?]]]
[[[Also consider revising the underlined sentence. In this sentence you mention half of the point trigerred by the essay question. i.e. the role of the government. But, what about the role of the private groups????]]]
There are good reasons why some people believe that politicians should provide all services for the society. First of all, people pay taxes to bring the government into existence and maintain its operation. Therefore, they deserve to get all services which are provided by the government. The second point usually made is that only the government could provide some fundamental services. Authorities could require the inhabitants to join the army when the nation’s interest is seriously threatened, for example, in order to protect its country. Politicians could also send troops to protect people when emergency situations occur: tsunami, floods, and forest fires, to name but a few.
However, it is more likely that elected officials should only pay attention to some services and let the citizens take part in developing the country. To begin with, it is generally believed that it would be a waste of money if the government had to manage a wide range of services. A lot of people would be employed in order to operate these businesses, meaning that people would have to pay more and more taxes. Furthermore, it is often claimed that the quality of services which are provided by democracies is not as high as expected. As a consequence, it would be wise to encourage private companies to join the market and provide some services which do not relate to national security such as entertainment, arts and so on.
[[[The underlined sentence would perhaps mean that you misunderstood the question. The question in fact mentions the very tricky word "private" but it is unlikely that "private companies" are meant by this word. I can understand it as related to what we call Non-governmental organisations that include relief organisations, associations, clubs etc. It is also very important here to mention examples of the servies they provide.
Here, you have to cite some examples from real life. I can tell you about my country Jordan and you can write something similar. The government in Jordan provides for health care. Some organisations however like the XXX organisation (I do not remember what is called) feels that medical services offered by the government are not enough. For this reason they provide some medical services to the public at a low cost. The government provides for higher education but it is very expensive. A mobile phone company has created an organisation (A fund) to support poor students. And so on.
In other words you have to mention something tangible here.]]]]
In conclusion, it cannot be denied that the government’s role in providing services for the society is very important; however, it would be essential for private groups to take part in providing some quality services. Politicians should inspire more and more individuals or groups to take part in developing their country.
[[[It is good that you showed a clear position in your well-written conclusion. The body of your essay should also show this position clearly.]]]]