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  1. #1
    tazzygirl is offline Newbie
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    Post scholarship essay:need help for editing

    On March 09, 2006 I have entered the United State, a land of promise where many people dream to go. I never knew how life would change for me. What I had in mind was a simple dream, a simple ambition of having a good education as a foundation for my success. God had now permitted me to be here and to experience a binding of a family that I hadn’t had for the past 15 years. Being away from my father was not that easy, especially for my mother who had to play the role of father, mother and best friend. I developed this dedication in life because I realized how my father sacrificed by working far from me and my mother. In that all these contribute to my well being, I must say that I am blessed and that there are no obstacles I can't face because I belong to a strong and loving family.
    My name is _____________ and I am now in my second year of college here at Southwestern College. My first semester here was the first steps in my career plan that of being a nursing major. I started my first semester in summer 2006. Most of my classmates were fluent in English and I didn’t feel confident about my English skills. I was afraid that people might misunderstand me. So, these became a challenge for me to be a part of this community even if English was my second language. I was given an opportunity to work at Academic Success Center (ASC) which was the tutoring center of Southwestern school. That opportunity made me happy and helped me to be a better individual. I learned that life was like a river, you should learn how to flow, and nothing can stop you from going. I am now in my second year of college and despite of my language issue, I am still willing to pursue my goal and be able to maintain my GPA, not only for me, but for my family who believes in me. This great world had opened my mind and heart to appreciate these new things around me: new school, new friends, and new mentors. These shouldn’t be the cause of my fear, but instead accept it as my second family, my security, and my second home who taught me to be strong, and willingness to challenge assumptions of life. I should not stop from here, but instead use these as my footstep for that success. I could perhaps see my self handling my diploma and thanking back my family, and my Southwestern family for giving me that strength and courage to succeed.
    I have nothing to promise, but my sincerity of doing my best in achieving this goal. I am glad that despite of where I came from; this new world accepted me for who and what I am. I have my mentor and friends who stand by me who’s giving me words of wisdom and whose standing as a living proof. May I capable of all your trust and I will endure to rest of my life. Now I am so grateful that I belong to this community college and whatever life would be, I will always be proud to be a part of my home Southwestern College.


  2. #2
    Horsa is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: scholarship essay:need help for editing

    Your English is excellent. I have made a few changes just to tidy the essay up a little.


    On March 09, 2006 I arrived in the United States, a land of promise to which many people can only dream of going. At that time, I didn't realise how much life would change for me. What I had in mind was a simple dream, a simple ambition of receiving a good education, which would form a firm foundation for my future career. God had now permitted me to be here and to experience the closeness and security of a family that I hadn’t had over the previous 15 years. Being away from my father had not been that easy, especially for my mother who had had to play the roles of father, mother and best friend for me. I developed my dedication in life because I realized how much my father had sacrificed by living and working so far from us. In that all these contribute to my well being, I must say that I am blessed and that there are no obstacles I am unable face because I belong to a strong and loving family.

    My name is _____________ and I am now in my second year here at Southwestern College. My first semester here in summer 2006 was the first step in my career plan of becoming a nursing major. Most of my classmates were fluent in English and I didn’t feel confident about my English skills. I was afraid that people might not understand me. It became a challenge for me to become a part of this community despite the barrier of my less than perfect English. I was given the opportunity to work at the Academic Success Center (ASC), which was the tutoring center of Southwestern school. This opportunity made me happy and helped me to be a better individual. I learned that life was like a river, you should learn how to go with the flow, and allow nothing to hinder your passage.

    I am now in my second year of college and in spite of my language issue, I am still keen to pursue my goal and be able to maintain my GPA, not only for me, but also for my family who believes in me. This great world had opened my mind and heart to not only accept but also to appreciate these new things around me: new school, new friends, and new mentors. These shouldn’t be the cause of my fear, but instead are my second family, who have taught me to be strong, and willing to take on the challenges of life. I should not stop here, but instead use these as my launchpad for the success for which I strive. I could perhaps see myself receiving my diploma and thanking my family, and my Southwestern family for giving me that strength and courage to succeed.
    I have nothing to promise, but my sincerity of doing my best in achieving this goal. I am glad that in spite of where I came from; this new world accepted me for who and what I am. I have my mentor and friends who stand by me who give me words of wisdom. I will try my utmost to be worthy of all your trust and I will continue to do so for rest of my life. I am very grateful that I am a part of this community college and whatever life brings, I will always be proud to be a part of my home Southwestern College.

  3. #3
    tazzygirl is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: scholarship essay:need help for editing

    Horsa,

    thank you for editing my post.keep in touch. i wanna learn more english. thank you again

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