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    #1

    Please read and give me advice on these essays. Thanks in advance

    I am planning to practice on argumentative essays so it is helpful of you guys to give me some advice on these to improve my academic writing skills. You can choose to correct any essay you want. Thank you very much.

    Topic 1: Whether or not you think new technology such as cellphones, computers, and DVDs benefit our society.
    With the development of our modernized society, every twenty minutes there comes a new technology. It gives us a lot of opportunities to raise our living standard and to have more convenient communication. Therefore, everyone has become more and more reliable on new technology such as cellphones, computers and DVDs because of its huge benefits.
    First of all, new technology has brought to us better entertainment. For instance, people can not only watch movies on TV but in computer and DVD player as well. The scene in which you have to wait in line for hours for a movie ticket is now in the past. In stead, all you need is a computer then enjoy yourself at home watching your most anticipated blockbuster. And hoping for your favorite song to be broadcast on MTV just makes no sense because it will be played repeatedly by CD players. Besides, computer games are also a source of relaxation, which help improve English skills and increase personal creativity. Apparently, without those technology, people will be bored roundly clicking the TV remote.
    Secondly, cellphones and computers give more convenient communication. They allow people to contact people who are far away in just a blink. As a result, many profitable contracts are signed without having to meet but with the help of new technology. In addition to this, if it were not for the development of hi-technology, many companies would not widely advertise their products, which might lead to profit loss. Therefore, it is crucial we adapt new technology in our society.
    Some argue that using new technology makes people lazier or affect our health. However, I see that its benefits outweigh its disadvantages. By just one click, technology will provide us with a wide range of information. So you do not have to stay for hours in the library searching for your paperterm document. In this information era, new technology is really a time-saving tool that leads to the effectiveness of our work.
    To conclude, with the mentioned benefits, the advantages of new technology is undeniable. Despite this fact, people should also learn how to handle to make the best use of it.
    Topic 2: Whether or not you think it should be legal to download or share copyrighted material from the Internet.
    Today, with the advancement of Internet, many laws have been created to protect private property. However, these laws seem not to fully consider the interest of users. Because they do not mention the high price of copyrighted material and the Internet community trait. From a college student point of view, it should be legal to download or share those things from the Internet.
    Firstly, copyrighted things often charge at an unreasonable price for college students to afford. For instance, we know the fact that not all the artists produce good songs. So it is a waste of money to buy a whole CD just for one song you like most. Another example is from the reference book market. The higher grade people arem the more books they have to read. And with the tight pocket money, it is hard to obtain all the needed copyrighted books. The solution is ebook available from Internet. In fact, the copyrighted CD or books price is often 2-3 times higher than the unknown sources. That is to say, we should be allowed to download material from Internet.
    Secondly, one of the prominent trait of the Internet community is sharing and being shared. That is why people call it “world-wide-web”. In other words, if you share with the world one useful document, friends worldwide will give you more in return. Therefore, legal sharing and downloading materials permited will help people exchange not only knowledge but culture as well. And the most important thing is you can learn from 2 sources of information: yourself and your friends.
    Government often thinks copyrighted materials as a crime because it is illegal and costs the owners lots of money. However, given it a fair look, the matter is not as serious as listed. In fact, many people start buying copyrighted DVDs after watching the movies that are downloaded from Internet. Some countries like Korea even advertise their lifestyle and traditions through dramas from legally downloaded websites.
    In conclusion, it makes no sense to put in jail some guys who are said to be found guilty of privacy. Because there are tons of them out there. All things considered lead to a fact that copyrighted materials should be spread lawfully.
    Topic 3: The Internet has revolutionized the modern world but is has also created new problems and inequalities. Do you agree?
    Today, Internet is said to be one of the most outstanding inventions compared to others recent advanced technology. The Internet is becoming more and more essential in our modern society thanks to its benefits. Besides, it has brought about new changes by the boom in online services and research.
    First, many transactions can be done in the Internert. For instance, people now can have their tickets booked online instead of waiting in line for hours as in the past. Moreover, Internet has made shopping one kind of relaxation by offering the products, which are well classified with high quality. So people no longer must walk in a big supermarket but still easily make the best of their selection. In other fields, as people consider Internet a fast and time-saving tool, many business men has become reliable on it for communication and profitable contracts. Clearly, online services has proved to be crucial to the modern world.
    Second, online research can provide users with a more effective work. Only by a click-away can you have the information which must take a week to find out. Owing to a wide range of information, users easily make a comparision and draw the best conlusion for the research. Although others believe Internet has caused certain inequalities, I think that idea is partial. Because in the “world-wide-web” everybody is given the same chance and the same source and the smart is the one to take the full advantage of what Internet supplies.
    However, Internet also contains some problems. The most popular hazard comes from spammers and hackers who create viruses in order to steal personal data. Furthermore, when people just sit surfing the net for long hours, it migh lead to physical activities lack and other related health problems. But all the minor drawbacks can be solved if users know how to adjust themselves to make the best use of Internet.
    In conclusion, with the advancement of Internet such as some kinds of services and activities, it has really revolutionized the world. Each person should find a suitable method to use it effectively.

  1. Neillythere's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please read and give me advice on these essays. Thanks in advance

    Topic 1: Whether or not you think new technology such as cellphones, computers, and DVDs benefit our society.
    With the development of our modernised society, every twenty minutes there comes a new technology [Do not say anything you can't back up with a reference, particularly in an academic paper. You should quote your source for the "twenty minutes" comment]. It gives us a lot of opportunities to raise our living standard and to have more convenient communication. Therefore, everyone has become more and more reliant on new technology (such as cellphones, computers and DVD's) because of its huge benefits.
    First of all, new technology has brought to us better entertainment [Possibly, your 1st, and most important item, should be access to knowledge and information]. For instance, people can not only watch movies on TV but in computer and DVD player as well. The scenario where you have to wait in line for hours for a movie ticket is now in the past. Instead, all you need is a computer then enjoy yourself at home watching your most anticipated blockbuster. And [Try not to begin sentences with words (conjunctions) like "and"] hoping for your favorite song to be broadcast on MTV just makes no sense because it can be played repeatedly by CD players. Besides, computer games are also a source of relaxation, which help improve English skills and increase personal creativity. Apparently, without such technology ["those" expects "technology" to be in the plural. Such doesn't], people would ["without" introduces a conditional element that looks for "would"] be bored roundly clicking the TV remote.
    Secondly, cellphones and computers give more convenient communication. They allow people to contact people who are far away in just a blink of the eye. As a result, many profitable contracts are signed without having to meet but with the help of new technology. In addition to this, if it were not for the development of hi-technology, many companies would not widely advertise their products, which might lead to profit loss. Therefore, it is crucial we adapt new technology in our society.
    Some argue that using new technology makes people lazier or affect our health [I would not recommend bringing up the opposing argument unless you "shoot it down". Leave that to the "opposition"]. However, I see that its benefits outweigh its disadvantages. By just one click, technology will provide us with a wide range of information. So you do not have to stay for hours in the library searching for your paperterm document. In this information era, new technology is really a time-saving tool that leads to the effectiveness of our work.
    To conclude, with the mentioned benefits, I beleive that the advantages of new technology are [advantages "are" not "is"] undeniable. Despite this fact, people should also learn how to handle to make the best use of it.

    Hope this helps
    Last edited by Neillythere; 13-Mar-2008 at 04:16. Reason: typographical error (or "typo") "quite" should read "quote"


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    #3

    Re: Please read and give me advice on these essays. Thanks in advance

    yeah it helps me a lot. Thank you

  2. Neillythere's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please read and give me advice on these essays. Thanks in advance

    My comments on your 2nd topic would be as follows:

    ** Please be aware that I have specifically ignored the pure legal aspects in my comments above, as you have done in your own text. My comments represent merely a thought-provoking concept for an academic discussion. The idea, like that of TV serial writers or Job Application cover letters/CV's, is to include "hooks" in your text that provoke further interest in the topic.**

    Maybe one thing you should consider is the difference between "copyright" and "intellectual property".

    If you have an original idea on a particular topic, then that concept is yours. Any time someone uses your concept, particularly, but not exclusively, in an academic environment, you may well wish the world to know that it was your original concept and the user should reference your quote.

    You are not necessarily looking for immediate monetary recognition but you would be very interested in receiving intellectual recognition. It may, however, lead to subsequent monetary recognition in your future career, as your name is established as a mentor in that particular field.

    Part of your academic training should include researching various publications on particular subjects. Your tutors want to know that you have read widely about the topic. They can see that from the number of appropriate references you quote.

    You have, presumably, free access to the library at your source of learning. You also presumably have free (i.e. unrestricted from a content point of view) access to the Internet.

    You therefore have the same free access in both cases, but with the added advantage, in the Internet case, of being able to search for particular topics and physically cut and paste quotes. If you do this, then you should quote the reference back to the entity that generated the initial information or concept, as, whether they have copyrighted it or not, they have an intellectual right to be remembered as the originator - hence the concept of "intellectual property".

    This differs from the "copyright" situation, with say a music track, a reading from a book or even a complete document or book, where the item does not necessarily attribute the item to a particular person or group. If you download and then play the track many times, the originators, who are relying on royalties to fund their work, wants some protection of their income.

    I hope this helps, not only in this context, but others.

    Good luck!


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    #5

    Re: Please read and give me advice on these essays. Thanks in advance

    Thank you so much. You've made me recognize that my essay writing is sometimes illogical and not strong enough. ya i need more practice :D

  3. Neillythere's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Please read and give me advice on these essays. Thanks in advance

    No. You are doing very, very well. It's just that I've been around a long, long time! Rgds

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