Can you guys please check my letter.
I'm just a guy who will be finishing the monash foundation course soon. And through this letter, I'd like to ask some questions about the faculty of Business and Commerce.
Well, do we need to take maths in foundation course in order to attend the Business or Commerce faculty? Example: Business management or marketing.
If so, how if I only take 4 subjects in foundation course exclude maths. And I got very good marks on those subjects. Since the final gpa only been calculated on the best 4 subjects. Will I be accepted to join the business faculty?
Allright. My mother is calling me, so I cant write any more. So please reply to my letter soon.
I look forward to your response.
I think this letter should probably be written in formal prose -- at the moment it sounds as if you are writing it to a friend rather than a university faculty! I assume you want to apply for a course?
*Unless you know the name of the person you are writing to, write 'Dear Sir/Madam' - and finish your letter with 'Yours Faithfully'
*You might want to start your letter without the 'I'm just a guy...' and use something more formal, such as 'I am currently studying the monash foundation course at (insert school here), and am dues to finish (insert date here) What is monash by the way??! You might need to clarify this unless they know what it is.
*Starting a sentence with 'well' is not very formal, and is used in speech rather than writing. You could perhaps use: 'Firstly, is it essential to take maths in order to attend...?'
*Your next paragraph (If you want this to be a separate paragraph, leave a line between it and the previous paragraph - if not, follow on using the same line) is confusing -- you need to clarify what you mean here. Have you taken maths in your foundation course? Are you saying that it is a subject you have taken but is not one of your four best subjects? Or are you saying that you are not studying maths in your foundation course?
*Don't end your letter with 'Alright. My mother is calling me...' -- This is too informal! End it with something like: 'Thank you for taking the time to read this.'
*Leave out 'thanks,' since you have already said this -- but for future reference, 'thanks' is informal, and you should use 'thank you' when writing a formal letter.
Hope this helps!