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  1. #1
    demgiuli is offline Newbie
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    Lightbulb Could you please correct/adjust my cover letter?

    Hi to everybody!
    I know, it's a long cover letter but i'll be grateful to any English native speaker who's going to correct or adjust it!!! I have to send tomorrow the application, so it's very, very URGENT!!!
    Thanks!



    Dear Madam, dear Sir of the academy board,

    Having recently completed my undergraduate studies at the xxx University with a major degree in International Relations, I was delighted in hearing about your pioneering master-program xxx. Attending the xxx Academy of xxx has been one of my greatest ambitions ever since and finding a course that fits perfectly with my interests, such as environmental issues, sustainable development and international relations and affairs, has been a great acknowledgement.

    Currently I am doing an internship at the xxx. It is going to last until the end of april and then Iíd like to stay in xxx and to find a job or a new internship until the new academic year starts.

    My father is an Italian lawyer and my mother is an Austrian employee. I grew up partly in Italy with a gap of six years spent in Switzerland. There, I had the fortune of being taught about the importance of nature and I also could observe methods to achieve a sustainable development in everyday life. Back in Italy, I became more and more aware of the respect for the environment I had caught during the years abroad and I noticed very early the indifference that afflicts a big part of the Italian society facing environmental matters. I was always wondering if something could be done to change this way of Italianís thinking and behaving.

    My deep interest about environmental issues and global solutions for the sustainability-problem revealed themselves also during my bachelor-studies and especially during my course about International Law hold by Professor Pietro Manzini. Once, after we had just discussed about the Kyoto Protocol and all its application-problems, I realized that I had a target: my new challenge was to achieve a position within an international organization or enterprise that would allow me to take and to support measures for the sustainable development. Nowadays I think that through my creativity and through my skills of problem-solution I might contribute one day to improve on such matters. My aims are mainly to work especially in the branch of corporate social responsibility in order to enhance and to develop mutual solutions between different states in the field of recycling and regarding the discover of new sustainable energy-resources.

    Beside all these points, the xxx-master attracts me very much since it is a multidisciplinary program that includes not only social studies, but also more technical classes during the second year. Beside developing a passion for politics, history, international relations and critical skills related to it during my bachelor-studies, Iíve always been interested in scientific and technical issues. Math and physics were some of my favorite classes at school and I think having some technical knowledge is of great importance for the direction I wish to take in my future professional life.

    My particular competences concern communication talent, knowledge of human nature, organization and coordination skills. Some projects Iíve taken part of, such as for example joining the volunteering organization ďStudent ActionĒ in order to help homeless people in British Manchester, might prove it. I like teamwork and interaction with other people. Nevertheless Iím also able to work independently and on my own.

    I speak German and Italian on a mother-tongue level. My English and French are fluent: Iíve been studying these two languages at school and after I attended several language-courses in France and I also had the opportunity to spend six months in England attending the Erasmus program.
    Since Iíve been moving from one country to the other quite a few times in my younger years I gained a particular ability to adapt myself to new situations and new places. I also gained a special attitude of tolerance and interest for other cultures.

    Having the opportunity to attend the xxx-program would be a great chance and challenge for me. Even if I found myself a little bit lost in my first period of studies, I am now sure of what I want to do in my future and Iíll put all my efforts in order to achieve it. Moreover, it would be a great honor to work with the DA-professors such as Melanie Sully, whoís name and work has very often crossed my way during my thesis-research which was about the changes in the Austrian party system since 1945.

    To sum up, I think that the academic knowledge I got at Bologna University is a very good basis to be able to attend successfully the xxx-program and I would enjoy becoming a student of your academy in order to evolve myself giving me the opportunity of facing a big challenge for the next years and for life.

    I look forward to speaking with you in the near future and I thank you for your consideration.

    Sincerely,

    xxx

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Could you please correct/adjust my cover letter?

    Your address

    the date

    The address of the University, the same as you will be writing it on the envelope

    (If you are so keen, and this is to have credibility with the reader of this letter, then you will have a Handbook for this University, telling you who is on the Faculty, and to whom applications for this program are to be directed. So..

    The Registrar
    University of Lomdon
    XXXX


    or

    Professor Olaf Umpstein
    Department of Environmental Studies
    University of...


    If not to a named person eg Registrar, then..

    Dear Sir/Madam

    else

    Dear Professor Umpstein

    On recently completing my undergraduate studies at the xxx University with a major degree

    Do you mean, a Bachelor's degree majoring in International Relations

    in International Relations, I was excited to hear about your pioneering Masters program in XXX. Attending the xxx Academy of xxx has been one of my strongest ambitions ever since, and finding a course that fits so perfectly with my interests in environmental issues, sustainable development , and international relations and affairs has been

    a great acknowledgement.
    This doesn't make sense. What are you trying to say here?

    Currently I am doing an internship at the xxx until the end of April. I hope then to seek a new internship or find employment in xxx prior to the new academic year.

    My father is an Italian lawyer and my mother (is-omit)

    an Austrian employee.
    Do you mean, employed somehow with the Austrain government? Having any kkind of job in the UK would not be termed, a UK employee.


    I grew up partly in Italy, with (a gap of-omit) six years spent in Switzerland. There, I had the good fortune of being taught about the importance of nature, and (I also could-omit) observe methods to achieve

    a sustainable development in everyday life.
    This is not clear - development of what? or do you mean, the economic development of the country could be sustained whilst protecting the everyday environment, or...?

    Returning to Italy, I became increasingly aware of the respect for the environment I had acquired during the years abroad, and observed the apparent indifference that afflicts a big part of the Italian society with regard to environmental matters. This awakened a further interest,

    as to how societal attitudes towards such issues might be changed.

    My own enthusiasm about environmental issues and global solutions for the sustainability-problem was fanned during my bachelor studies, and especially during my course in International Law under Professor Pietro Manzini. Once, after we had just discussed (about-omit) the Kyoto Protocol and

    all its application-problems,
    the problems in its implementation,

    I realized that I had a major goal: to achieve a position within an international organization or enterprise that would allow me to support measures and take action

    for the sustainable development.
    ...of what? The phrase isn't clear. You have used "the" but I'm not sure what this specific development is?

    Nowadays I think that through my creativity and through my skills of problem-solution I might contribute one day to improve on such matters.
    I think you should omit this. It is a little too fluffy and whimsical. Keep it hard-nosed, and follow straight on with...

    My aim would be to work specifically in some branch of corporate social responsibility in order to enhance and to develop mutual solutions between different states in the field of recycling, and the discovery of new sustainable energy

    resources.
    I think you mean 'energy sources'

    Beside all these points, the xxx-master attracts me very much since it is a multidisciplinary program that includes not only social studies, but also more technical classes during the second year. Beside developing a passion for politics, history, international relations and critical skills related to it during my bachelor-studies, I’ve always been interested in scientific and technical issues. Math and physics were some of my favorite classes at school and I think having some technical knowledge is of great importance for the direction I wish to take in my future professional life.
    Sorry, but this sounds a little too much like a high school essay. Moreover, he knows the curriculum so you don't need to itemise! (lol) Let's re-structure and rephrase:

    The mulitdisciplinary curriculum offered by your program would be a pleasurable bonus. My high school studies of mathematics and physics sparked an interest in scientific and technical issues, and I consider being knowledgeable in these areas of great importance for the direction of my future professional life.


    My particular competences concern communication talent, knowledge of human nature, organization and coordination skills. Some projects I’ve taken part of, such as for example joining the volunteering organization “Student Action” in order to help homeless people in British Manchester, might prove it. I like teamwork and interaction with other people. Nevertheless I’m also able to work independently and on my own.

    Unless there are guidelines for your application, which ask you about other interests, and personal strengths, I would omit this paragraph. for example, most people think that they have a good understanding of human nature, just as most people believe that they have an above average sense of humour, which statistically is not possible. It's the same as IQ - 50% have an IQ greater than 100....and 50% have an IQ less than that. As well, a Registrar or professor 40+ would regard someone in their twenties as still pretty naive when it comes to life experience and fathoming human behaviour -(sorry about that -) and to say you DO have such knowledge would reinforce that impression. Perhaps what you mean is, social skills. Let's restructure what we can:

    I am quite accustomed to working independently, though I enjoy the intellectual stimulation of teamwork. Team projects in which I have engaged have allowed me to develop organization and communication skills; and working abroad, as with the "Student Action" project assisting the homeless, in Mancester, England, has continued to broaden my outlook and strengthen my social skills. (Move the sentence from below to here: ) As I relocated from one country to another quite a few times in my younger years, I have gained the particular ability to adapt myself to new situations, (and new places-omit); and acquire a special attitude of tolerance and understanding for other cultures. I speak German and Italian on a mother-tongue level, and I am fluent in English and French, having attended several language-courses in France and six months in England attending the Erasmus program.


    Having the opportunity to attend the xxx-program would be a great chance and challenge for me. Even if I found myself a little bit lost in my first period of studies, I am now sure of what I want to do in my future and I’ll put all my efforts in order to achieve it. Moreover, it would be a great honor to work with the DA-professors such as Melanie Sully, who’s name and work has very often crossed my way during my thesis-research which was about the changes in the Austrian party system since 1945.
    Sorry - too 'gushy' and a bit starry-eyed.

    Were I to gain a place in your program, it would be a great priviledge to study in a department (or is it school?) where professors of such standing as Melanie Sully continue their work.

    To sum up, I think that the academic knowledge I got at Bologna University is a very good basis to be able to attend successfully the xxx-program and I would enjoy becoming a student of your academy in order to evolve myself giving me the opportunity of facing a big challenge for the next years and for life. - omit. Conintue straight on in the same paragraph, after "..continue their work." above, with

    I look forward to possibly speaking with you in the near future and I thank you for your consideration.
    (This suggests that you are writing to a specifically-named person, not just "the Registrar" - is that so?

    Yours sincerely (if addressed to a named person, like Professor Umpstein)

    Yours faithfully (if address to an unnamed person, such as The Registrar, or to an administrative section, or the department/school)
    Last edited by David L.; 15-Mar-2008 at 02:40.

  3. #3
    demgiuli is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Could you please correct/adjust my cover letter?

    hi!
    thanks a lot for helping me!
    sustainable development is referred to the environment!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Could you please correct/adjust my cover letter?

    Note that I have been updating it as I completed each section, so I would take a look at it now.
    It is getting late, and I haven't done a final proof-reading - typos and absent-minded errors can creep in. If you spot some mistake, point it out to me, and I'll acknowledge it when I am awake again in a couple of hours.

  5. #5
    demgiuli is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Could you please correct/adjust my cover letter?

    Actually I'm writing to a whole commission as they told me in the secretary of the school. How could I express the last sentences?
    Isn't it too short if I just cut all the paragraph about my academic knowledge I got at Bologna University? I thought it might have been important to point out...

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Could you please correct/adjust my cover letter?

    Yes - it is a good sentence!!
    How about prasing it this way:



    In conclusion, I am confident that the academic grounding I gained at Bologna University would serve my successfully undertaking the challenges of the xxx program, and provide the best opportunity for me to develop academically, professionally, and personally.


    or
    ...and provide my best opportunity for continued development, academically, professionally, and personally.

    All the best!

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