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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default In the Land of Milk and Honey

    This is one of my observations of Swedish everyday life. We can see this text as a sketch of a future short story. Please, tell me if I have made any mistakes.

    If a foreigner arrived to Sweden a Friday afternoon and took a stroll in an ordinary Swedish town, he or she would see a strange phenomenon; men and women, young and old, upper classes and lower classes, university professors and manual workers, beauties and plains, fat and slim, everyone is carrying a blue plastic bag. The foreigner could only try to guess the contents of a bag because it is not big enough too give a sufficient place for food and other goods one can buy at the shopping mall and it is probably too big to contain medicine.

    Now and then, one can hear the clink of glasses inside the bag, but that it is all. The bag is too dense to reveal its secret. If the foreigner persisted with his search he would soon find himself in front of a state own liqueur shop called "Systembolaget." He would probably be impressed with the queue of dozens of people waiting patiently to buy the bottles of alcohol drinks. If he or she were an African this queue would probably trigger an association of famine and misery in their homeland but that feeling would disappear in a moment because people in these queues are well nourished, some of them even fat and well dressed. So he understands that people suffer here from another kind of hunger.

    If he decided to enter the shop he would notice a certain feeling of expectation on the faces of the shoppers. Almost the eagerness and enthusiasm to pay for the bottles and return home. He would also notice that prices are very high, one of the highest in Europe, but despite that he would watch people grabbing bottles of Vodka, French, Italian, Spanish and Australian wine, English and German beer and other drinks. putting them in a shopping trolley where they would make a pile as big as a small pyramid.

    Suppose he decided to stay in town until the evening and he would witnessed even stranger things. At about 9.pm he can observe the passengers of the buses getting off, some of them already drunk and unable neither to walk nor to talk as human beings. They have suffered for five long days working hard and as soon as they got a chance to feel freedom they have forgotten all rules of correct behaviour and now lost all inhibitions. It would not pass many hours until our foreigner would see some of them vomiting in the street or sleeping under the shop fronts, a sign of our high developed society!

    Let us imagine that our foreigner decided to enter a pub or some similar place where alcohol and music are creating a relaxing atmosphere. He orders a pint of beer which is so expensive that in other countries he could eat at least three meals in a restaurant, and he sits comfortably on a bar chair and watches people around him. His first thought is he ended up in a day care centre for adults who behave like children. Women and men are dancing like madmen, well dressed men crawling on the floor, couples kissing and hugging each other, someone is vomiting in a corner....

    But the foreigner has already made a big mistake. Watching around, he has forgotten his beer that is snatched by a young blond girl who disappears in the crowd. He looks hopelessly at the bartender and the tall and blond Swede explains to him that in Sweden you cannot leave your drink alone for a second because people steal alcohol whenever they get a chance.

    A few moments later, he watches people fighting and feels scared, but the bartender tells him not to be afraid. " Just watch and enjoy!" he tells him, because the two gentlemen are regulars, work in a bank and now using Friday nights to give free rein to their feelings.

    Just when he believes the rest of the night would pass peacefully he feels a delicate fingers on his shoulder and almost get a chock when he sees a stunning blond, although a little bit tipsy in front of him. "Let's dance," she said in her velvety voice and pulls him into the dancing crowd. Surrounded with half naked women bodies, human odour, sweat and smell of perfume the stranger get excited. The woman hugs him and kisses his cheeks. Her breath smells of alcohol and cigarettes. The stranger already sees himself in bed with her and he closes his eyes and dreams of her body. When he opens them she has disappeared.

    Before dawn he finds himself outside in the cold winter night. There are some drunk persons who sleep on the street peacefully despite the snow and coldness around them. Streets are empty, but for the taxes that pass by at times leaving snow wafts behind.
    The stranger walks slowly, asking himself if this is a dream, a meditation or reality.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    If a foreigner arrived in Sweden on a Friday afternoon and took a stroll in an ordinary Swedish town, he or she would see a strange phenomenon. Men and women, young and old, upper classes and lower classes, university professors and manual workers, beauties and plains, fat and slim; everyone is carrying a blue plastic bag. The foreigner could only try to guess the contents of a bag because it is not big enough to give a sufficient place for food and other goods one can buy at the shopping mall. Also, it is probably too big to contain medicine.

    Now and then, one can hear the clink of glasses inside the bag. It is too dense to reveal its secrets. If the foreigner persisted with their search they would soon find themselves in front of a state own liqueur shop called "Systembolaget." They would probably be impressed with the queue of dozens of people waiting patiently to buy the bottles of alcohol drinks. If he or she were an African, this queue would probably trigger an association of famine and misery in their homeland. However, that feeling would disappear in a moment because people in these queues are well nourished, some of them being fat and well dressed. So, he or she understands that people suffer here from another kind of hunger.

    If he or she decided to enter the shop, they would notice a certain feeling of expectation on the faces of the shoppers. There is eagerness and enthusiasm to pay for the bottles and to return home. They would also notice that prices are very high, one of the highest in Europe. Despite the fact that he would watch people grabbing bottles of Vodka or French, Italian, Spanish and Australian wine. There is also English and German beer and other drinks. Arranged in a shopping trolley, they would make a pile the size of a small pyramid.

    Suppose he decided to stay in town until the evening, he would witnessed even stranger things. At about 9 pm, he can observe the passengers of the buses getting off, some of them already drunk and unable to walk nor to talk as human beings. They have suffered for five long days working hard; as soon as they got a chance to feel freedom, they have forgotten all rules of correct behavior and now lost all inhibitions. Not many hours would pass until our foreigner would see some of them vomiting in the street or sleeping under the shop fronts---a sign of our highlydeveloped society!

    Let us imagine that our foreigner decided to enter a pub or some similar place where alcohol and music create a relaxing atmosphere. He orders a pint of beer, which is so expensive that in other countries he could eat at least three meals in a restaurant, and he sits comfortably on a bar chair and watches people around him. His first thought is that he ended up in a day care center for adults who behave like children. Women and men are dancing like madmen, well dressed men crawling on the floor, couples kissing and hugging each other, someone is vomiting in a corner....

    But the foreigner has already made a big mistake. Watching around, he has forgotten his beer that is snatched by a young blond girl who disappears in the crowd. He looks hopelessly at the bartender and the tall and blond Swede, who explains to him, "In Sweden you cannot leave your drink alone for a second, because people steal alcohol whenever they get a chance."

    A few moments later, he watches people fighting and feels scared, but the bartender tells him not to be afraid.
    "Just watch and enjoy!" She tells him, because the two gentlemen are regulars whowork in a bank and now using Friday nights to give free reign to their feelings.

    Just when he believes the rest of the night would pass peacefully, he feels a delicate fingers on his shoulder and almost get a shock when he sees a stunning blond, although a little bit tipsy in front of him.
    "Let's dance," She said in her velvety voice, pulling him into the dancing crowd. Surrounded by women with half-naked bodies, human odor, sweat, and the smell of perfume the stranger get excited. The woman hugs him and kisses his cheek, her breath smelling of alcohol and cigarettes. The stranger already sees himself in bed with her, and he closes his eyes and dreams of her body. When he opens them she has disappeared.

    Before dawn he finds himself outside in the cold winter night. There are some drunk persons who peacefully sleep on the street, despite the snow and coldness around them. The streets are empty, but for the taxers that pass by at times leaving snow wafts behind.
    The stranger walks slowly, asking himself if this is a dream, a meditation or a reality.


    ~Your text is good. There were a few minor errors, but overall your English grammar is fine. I hoped this helped ~

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post

    If a foreigner arrived to Sweden a Friday afternoon and took a stroll in an ordinary Swedish town, he or she would see a strange phenomenon; men and women, young and old, upper classes and lower classes, university professors and manual workers, beauties and plains, fat and slim, everyone is carrying a blue plastic bag.
    If a foreigner arrived in Sweden on a Friday afternoon and took a stroll in an ordinary Swedish town he or she would see a strange phenomenon: men and women, young and old, upper classes and lower classes, beauties and plain Janes, fat people and skinny people--everyone is carrying a blue plastic bag.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    The foreigner could only try to guess the contents of a bag because it is not big enough too give a sufficient place for food and other goods one can buy at the shopping mall and it is probably too big to contain medicine.
    The foreigner could only guess at the contents of the bag.
    Although the bag could be too small to hold much food, I don't see how it could be too big to contain medicine.


  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    That "another kind of hunger" is a good phrase.


  5. #5
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    On Friday afternoons, people line up at the state liquor store to buy alcoholic drinks.


  6. #6
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    RonBee

    Thank you for your time and your help a thousand times!
    You and the others have helped me very much and I am happy that I have found this site.
    Last edited by Bassim; 21-Mar-2008 at 15:26.

  7. #7
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    If he decided to enter the shop he would notice a certain feeling of expectation on the faces of the shoppers. Almost the eagerness and enthusiasm to pay for the bottles and return home. He would also notice that prices are very high, one of the highest in Europe, but despite that he would watch people grabbing bottles of Vodka, French, Italian, Spanish and Australian wine, English and German beer and other drinks. putting them in a shopping trolley where they would make a pile as big as a small pyramid.
    If he decided to enter the shop he would notice a certain feeling of expectation on the faces of the shoppers. He would be able to read on their faces the eagerness to pay for their purcheses and return home. He would also notice that the prices are very high, some of the highest in Europe, but despite that he would see people grabbing bottles of vodka, French, Italian, Spanish and Australian wine, English and German beer and other drinks.

  8. #8
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    What would you like to title this piece?

  9. #9
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my text

    RonBee

    Could we call it "In the Land of Milk and Honey?"

  10. #10
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    Default Re: In the Land of Milk and Honey

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    RonBee

    Could we call it "In the Land of Milk and Honey?"
    So it is.


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