I'm not sure what you want to know. You said you have not proof-read your work. There are grammatical errors and misspellings. Some of your sentences are worded in a confusing way.
I suggest that you go back and look at each paragraph and each line.
Does it have a main idea? Are there supporting sentences in the paragraph? Is there a conclusion statement at the end?
Do the paragraphs flow together in a logical order?
Does the last paragraph state your position and make a final statement?
(Learning to outline helps in writing essays.)