Plz chek my essay for Ielts Test GT module
(Please comment and tell me what possible band I can get for this essay and also tell what areas do i need to improve in.
Thank you. it took me 30 min to write this)
A company in which every employee is made to feel important will run more smoothly and experience greater success than a company that values some employees above others.
There is no doubt about the fact that when an employer gives equal amount of importance to all his employees, the level of motivation tends to increase amongst them and it might benefit the organization but at the same time it can also create administrative problems which may eventually overcome the few benefits achieved through this policy, so I strongly disagree with this approach.
An organization is formed with various people assigned to do jobs in accordance to their calibre, qualification and skills. They are ranked in a company according to their skills mentioned before. This creates an hierarchical structure of an organization. This way, every employee gets a certain status and importance accordingly. In this manner, everyone should be given due respect and the importance which he or she deserves. By this I mean, a junior clerk must be made to feel important but a Finance Manager or a director of the company should get far more importance.
When everyone will be made to feel equally important, although it will raise the moral and level of motivation of low ranked workers, but it will be unfair to the high level staff as they will possibly be demoralised and may lose interest in the progress of the company’s business. This will eventually cause a drastic downfall in the company’s revenues.
It is also quite possible that this approach might create differences amongst high level and low level workers as the later will start considering themselves at the peer level of the former and might not give them their due respect, which they need being seniors. It happened in a factory at Manchester, where a similar kind of policy was adopted, by creating a committee comprising workers of all level who were given equal chance and right to participate in making vital decisions of the company’s future. They ended up in a quarrel which resulted in a strike and that were the curtains for that company.,
In conclusion, a company can not raise its profits merely by giving equal importance to all the staff. It should rather devise other ways to encourage workers.
l2- do we need 'among them'
3 be overcome- should be passive
l1 formed with- wrong preposition
l1- in accordance to their calibre- 'to' is wrong
l2 mentioned before (as mentioned before)
l3 employee gets - change the verb
l1- don't use when + will
l2 -at the peer level doesn't work as a phrase, use 'as peers'
l6- that were the curtains for that company- this doesn't work- you can say 'it was curtains for the company'
l1 can not- shopuld be one word