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Thread: The Poem

  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default The Poem

    Dear people.
    Please would you proofread my new poem.

    The Poem

    On the cold dreary winter days,

    far away from my home,

    when my soul suffers the most,

    my mind moves back in time,

    like in a self defence.

    I am in a bright room with the open window.

    The sent of jasmine wafts inside,

    on the light breeze.

    Trees bulge with ripe fruits.

    A crow steals a walnut.

    In the distance a sound of a passing train.

    Wind brings marry voices

    from a school playground.

    Let me stay here for a while.

  2. #2
    beascarpetta's Avatar
    beascarpetta is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: The Poem

    The Poem

    On cold and dreary winter days,

    far away from my home,

    when my soul suffers most,

    my mind moves back in time,

    like in self-defence.

    I am in a bright room with a window wide open.

    A light breeze

    wafts the scent of jasmine inside.


    Trees bulge with ripe fruit.

    A crow steals a walnut.

    In the distance a sound of a passing train.

    the wind brings merry voices

    from a school playground.

    Let me stay here for a while.

    I do hope you won't kill me for the changed lines
    brilliant as always

    beascarpetta

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: The Poem

    Bea

    Thank you for helping me.
    Every suggestion and help are greatly appreciated!

  4. #4
    beascarpetta's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Poem

    As always, it was a pleasure
    I can't wait for your next literary "effort"

  5. #5
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: The Poem

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    On the cold dreary winter days,

    far away from my home,

    when my soul suffers the most,

    my mind moves back in time,

    like in a self defence.

    I am in a bright room with the open window.

    The sent of jasmine wafts inside,

    on the light breeze.

    Trees bulge with ripe fruits.
    Perhaps:
    On cold dreary winter days,

    far away from home,

    when my soul suffers the most,

    my mind moves back in time,

    as if in self defence.

    I am in a bright room with an open window.

    The sent of jasmine wafts inside

    on a light breeze.

    The trees are heavy with ripe fruit.

    What do you think?

  6. #6
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: The Poem

    RonBee

    Mate, thank you for your suggestion. I don't know how to answer your question? I prefer the word "bulge" but as you know English is not my mother tongue and still I do not have the same feeling for it as you have. But, I would like to avoid the word "heavy" because it is so usual and one hears it many times every day. For me, "bulge" is more dynamic then "heavy" but it is just my personal feeling.

    Many thanks for helping me.

  7. #7
    beascarpetta's Avatar
    beascarpetta is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: The Poem

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    I prefer the word "bulge" but as you know English is not my mother tongue and still I do not have the same feeling for it as you have.
    I didn't realize your doubts about bulge
    what about using

    sag
    droop
    although both might be a tad passive and negative to boot
    or swollen with
    pregnant
    (too much probably)
    although both might carry a slight Ovidian undertone

    bea

  8. #8
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: The Poem

    Bea

    Thank you for your suggestion. But, still my inner voice tells me "bulge" is the right word. Or maybe I am wrong? I believe I got in love with two vowels "u" and "e" in the word bulge!

  9. #9
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: The Poem

    I have to say - if you want to use "bulge", then use it. It is not a normal way of talking about trees covered with fruit, but it is your poem and if you feel it works, then go ahead

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