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    #1

    Aisha and Murad-part five, Short story

    Dear people.

    Please, would you proofread the fifth chapter of my short story:

    Once, Murad told her that he was going back to his job again. "Finally!" she wanted to answer, but instead just smiled. It was almost two months since they had been together and she had become irritated having him in her flat all the time. He hardly visited his own mother these days, apparently he liked to be here and eat and drink without ever contributing with his own money. The only time he spent his money on her was when he bought her an ice cream when they walked the streets or a bouquet of flowers when he came back from the centre. "Let us see how long are you going to sponge off me?" she thought when he kissed her in her check like a cat showing affection to his owner.

    On Sunday evening he shaved himself and sat the alarm clock for seven o'clock in the morning. They both woke up tired and drowsy. They made love until half past two in the night. Especially Murad was reluctant to leave behind him the cosy bed and Aisha's hot and sensual body. She herself was due to fly to Athens later the same morning. She kissed him in his forehead and wished him good luck. She watched through the window when his white Volvo was passing down the street and then turned to the left. The following mornings the same ritual repeated again and she was satisfied to see him going and coming back as all other men. However, one thing made her curious. He never talked about his job. Her all questions he answered with a short "yes" and "no" and skilfully dodged the traps she put for him. It was obvious she would never get any information out of him.

    Aisha became suspicious. She had heard many stories about married men who pretended working as plumbers, carpenters or bricklayers, but instead of going to their jobs they would end up in the training camps for terrorists. The thought of Murad being one of them made her body shake with fear. Until she did prove for the court that she had nothing to do with him her life would be destroyed.
    The last thing she wanted to see was the Swedish police cars around her doors and secret police officers turning her flat upside down and gathering evidence.

    To be continued...
    Last edited by Bassim; 23-Apr-2008 at 22:52.


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    #2

    Re: Aisha and Murad-part five, Short story

    Nice writing, waiting for the rest of the story....


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    #3

    Re: Aisha and Murad-part five, Short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Dear people.

    Please, would you proofread the fifth chapter of my short story:

    Once, Murad told her that he was going back to his job again. "Finally!" she wanted to answer, but instead just smiled. It was almost two months since they had been together and she had become irritated having him in her flat all the time. He hardly visited his own mother these days; apparently he liked preferred to be at the flat and to eat and drink without ever contributing with his own money. The only time he spent his money on her was when he bought her an ice cream as/while they walked the streets or a bouquet of flowers when he came back from the centre. "Let us see how long you are going to sponge off me!" she thought when he kissed her in her check cheek like a cat showing affection to his owner.

    On Saturday evening he shaved himself and sat set the alarm clock for seven o'clock. They both woke up tired and drowsy. They made love until half past two in the nightin the morning.[I find the timeline confusing - did he set the clock for 7 in the morning or in the evening, and why did they wake up so early?] Especially Murad was Murad seemed especially reluctant to leave behind him the cosy bed and Aisha's hot and sensual body. She herself was due to fly to Athens later the same morning. She kissed him on his forehead and wished him good luck. She watched through the window when as his white Volvo was passing down the street and then turned to the left. The following mornings the same ritual repeated again and she was satisfied to see him going and coming back like all other men. However, one thing made her curious. He never talked about his job. All her questions were answered with a short "yes" and "no" and skilfully dodged the traps she put laid for him. It was obvious she would never get any information out of him.

    Aisha became suspicious. She had heard many stories about married men who pretended to be working as plumbers, carpenters or bricklayers, but instead of going to their jobs they would end up in the training camps for terrorists. The thought of Murad being one of them made her body shake with fear. Until she proved for the court that she had nothing to do with him her life would be destroyed.

    The last thing she wanted to see was Swedish police cars around her doors at/in front of her door and secret police officers turning her flat upside down and gathering evidence.

    To be continued...
    .

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    #4

    Re: Aisha and Murad-part five, Short story

    Anglika

    Thank you very much for helping me.

    I understand that I wrote the name of the day wrong. It should have been Sunday instead of Saturday! And I probably should have been clearer and wrote at seven in the morning. It was so early because Murad needed to be at his work at 8 a.m.

    Best wishes
    Bassim.


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    #5

    Re: Aisha and Murad-part five, Short story

    That makes it clearer.

    However, I think you could well re-write that part of the paragraph to make it better.

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    #6

    Re: Aisha and Murad-part five, Short story

    Anglika

    Thank you for your time and your efforts. You have helped me so much!
    I am going to rewrite that paragraph. Just know I am writing part six of the
    same story.

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