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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Aisha and Murad-part six, Short story

    Please, would you proofread the sixth chapter of my short story:

    Aisha met Anita at a coffee house where over a cup of coffee and cakes they made a plane how to discover the truth about Murad's job. They decided that Anita should park her car in front of Aisha's block of flats before seven past thirty, the time when Murad usually left the flat. At the same moment when he went to the garage to start his car, Aisha would run to Anita's car and take the back seat. Then, they would simply follow the white Volvo and see where its drive ended.

    Everything went according to the plan. Murad drove slowly through the centre and they followed him without any difficulties, at times they were behind him so close that Aisha ducked her head afraid of being recognised. They left the centre and then entered a leafy suburb which ended in a forest. At any moment, Aisha expected to see shaggy men dressed in camouflage uniforms practising martial arts and hand-to-hand combat, but instead Murad's car pulled off in front of a simple, rectangular, red painted building. There was a hardly visible white sign which read, "The old people's home Hope." He disappeared behind the thick wooden doors and they sat in the car not knowing what to do next. This was the last place Aisha expected to see him working in. They talked over for a while and then Anita said that the best was if she went inside pretending searching for her old aunt who by the way was already dead since two years ago.

    She winked at Aisha and the thick door closed behind her. Two minutes later, she returned hiding her laughter with the palm of his right hand. In the car, she burst out and when Aisha asked her what had happened, she told her to go inside and see for herself.

    Aisha opened the door carefully and saw a long corridor with the doors to the rooms on the both sides. There was no people inside but for a lonely figure of a cleaner mopping the blue tiled floor under the fluorescent light. One door opened and an old and weak women came out and shuffled down the corridor. When she came close to him she said in her cracked voice, "Nice to see you here again, Murad!" He stopped mopping and gave her a smile. The woman disappeared behind another door.

    How can one describe the fury of a woman who once understands that her lover has lied to her? It is much worse and more dangerous then any weapons of mass destruction, more harmful than all radiation of the Universe. Woe betide any man who meet such a female! They say that the lion is the king of the animals but there is not a lion on this planet who would dare to confront an angry woman!

    To be continued....

  2. #2
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: Aisha and Murad-part six, Short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Please, would you proofread the sixth chapter of my short story:

    Aisha met Anita at a coffee house where, over a cup of coffee and cakes they made a plan how to discover the truth about Murad's job. They decided that Anita should park her car in front of Aisha's block of flats before seven past thirtyseven thirty/half pas seven, the time when Murad usually left the flat. At the same moment wWhen he went to the garage to start his car, Aisha would run to Anita's car and take get into the back seat. Then they would simply follow the white Volvo and see where its drive ended.

    Everything went according to plan. Murad drove slowly through the centre and they followed him without any difficulties, though at times they were so close behind him that Aisha ducked her head down, afraid of being recognised. They left the centre and then entered a leafy suburb which ended in a forest. At any moment, Aisha expected to see shaggy men dressed in camouflage uniforms practising martial arts and hand-to-hand combat, but instead Murad's car pulled up in front of a simple, rectangular, red painted building. There was a hardly barely visible white sign which read, "The Old People's Home Hope." He disappeared behind the thick wooden doors and they sat in the car, not knowing what to do next. This was the last place Aisha expected to see him working in. They talked it over for a while and then Anita said that the best was suggested that if she went inside pretending searching for her old aunt, who by the way had been dead for two years, she might see Murad.

    She winked at Aisha and the thick door closed behind her. Two minutes later, she returned, hiding her laughter with the palm of her right hand. In the car, she burst out laughing and when Aisha asked her what had happened, she told her to go inside and see for herself.

    Aisha opened the door carefully and saw a long corridor with the doors to the rooms on both sides. There were no people inside except a lonely figure of a cleaner mopping the blue tiled floor under the fluorescent light. A door opened and an old and weak woman came out and shuffled down the corridor. When she came close to him she said in her cracked voice, "Nice to see you here again, Murad!" He stopped mopping and gave her a smile. The woman disappeared behind another door.

    How can one describe the fury of a woman who once understands that her lover has lied to her? It is much worse and more dangerous then any weapons of mass destruction, more harmful than all radiation of the Universe. Woe betide any man who meet such a female! They say that the lion is the king of the animals but there is not a lion on this planet who would dare to confront an angry woman!

    To be continued....
    I really like your last paragraph!

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Aisha and Murad-part six, Short story

    Anglika

    How can I describe what I feel for you as a teacher and as a human being? People like you and the other teachers on this forum are rare nowadays. The fact that you are spending so much of your own time to help other people in all parts of the world means that you have such a big heart. This is a gift and a characteristic that money cannot buy.
    As a fellow human being I feel so proud of you and I believe that I am not alone with this feeling.

    Thank you and thank you again a thousand times.

    Sometimes the words cannot describe the feelings!
    Bassim
    Last edited by Bassim; 24-Apr-2008 at 06:06.

  4. #4
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: Aisha and Murad-part six, Short story

    Thank you

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