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  1. #1
    lolitta.s is offline Newbie
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    Exclamation Is it right ..??!!

    Hello
    I want you to correct all the mistakes here in this passage please
    .................................................. ............
    my dream
    once upon atime my mother told me that i was SMART. she said '' o , lovely daughter , you are very smart . i think you will be a doctor one day ''.
    i accept this idea , little by little i believe it .
    i told all my friends that i would be a doctor .
    this dream still with me UNTIL the intermediate school . in the secondary school this dream disappear .
    befor two years ago i wanted to be a translator .
    NOW i want to be a '' professional translator ''.
    there are modes and levels in the translation .
    i know that the translation is not easy thing , but i want to affirm to my self that i can do it.
    i tried hard to relize this draem
    - i took three english courses to help me to study english in the university .
    - i hardly transfert to the english department .
    my gladness for transformation does not look like any other gladness .'' thanks to allah "
    - every week i do some exercises and exams to assist and develope my level .
    nowadays … i work as over seer on one of clubhouses in the internet – i download english topics – stories – essays - give good dictionaries – download placement tests –games
    i am amember in more than four websites for learning english .
    english is fulling my life , so that i feel in huge chang in my life .
    because the different language is a different vision of life .
    finally , i always ask my god to grant my dream .

  2. #2
    MarkF2004 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Is it right ..??!!

    Hello lolitta.s.

    I will make an attempt to help you with this. My advice may not be comprehensive but I hope it will be useful.

    I will show my corrections in red to help focus you and my general advice in blue.

    First of all though, I understand that Arabic is written aligned to the right. English (and all western languages) are written aligned to the left.




    Quote Originally Posted by lolitta.s View Post
    Hello.






    I would be grateful if you could please correct any mistakes in this passage.





    .................................................. ............



    My dream.
    (Remember to use linebreaks. It helps the reader focus on your writing instead of seeing a thick 'block' of text.)

    Once upon a time my Mother told me that I was smart. (Consider your use of the word 'smart'. It can mean intelligent but it may be confused for 'well-dressed'. Use the word 'clever' perhaps and your audience knows immediately the context of the piece. Also, capitalising whole words is unnecessary here.) She said ''Oh, my lovely daughter, you are very smart! I think you will be a doctor one day. ''
    (Punctuation. Use a capital letter at the start of each sentence. I have replaced the full stop after 'you are very smart' with an exclamation mark as this is a bold statement. You have placed a space between the end of each word and the closing punctuation, whether it is a comma or full stop. I have removed these. Finally I have added the word 'my' to your Mother's opening to clarify that she is referring to her own 'lovely daughter' and not just any 'lovely daughter'.)

    I accepted this idea and, little by little I began to believe it. (Again, spaces between words and punctuation removed.)


    I told all of my friends that I would one day become a doctor.


    This dream stayed with me until I began intermediate school. In my secondary school, this dream disappeared. (As an alternative, the second line might read better as 'By the time I progressed to secondary school, my dream of becoming a doctor had disappeared.')



    (The text that follows, I have corrected 'as is' as far as I am able. It reads very awkwardly however so I have rewritten it, as best I understand your meaning afterwards. If you compare the two you will hopefully see a better flow. If anyone else cares to comment I'm sure I will find it useful also. Please feel free to ask for clarification.)
    Before two years ago I wanted to be a translator.


    Now, I want to be a ''professional translator''.


    There are many types and levels of translating.


    I know that translating is not an easy thing to do, but I want to prove to myself that I can do it.



    I have tried hard to realise this dream


    I have taken three courses so far to help me to study english in the university.


    I have hardly transferred to the english department. (I am not certain what you mean here?)


    My happiness in my transformation is not look like any other happiness I have known. '' Thanks be to Allah (peace be upon him)."


    Every week I do some exercises and exams to develop my skills.


    Currently, I work as moderator(?) on one of the clubhouses on the internet. I download english topics, stories and essays. I assess good dictionaries, download placement tests and games.



    I am a member of more than four websites for learning english.


    English has made a big difference to and is fulfilling my life.


    Learning english has given me a different perspective on life.
    because the different language is a different vision of life. (never begin a sentence with 'because'.)


    Finally, I always ask my God to grant my dream.
    (Here's my suggested 'alternative'. Not wildly different but see what you think?

    My dream.
    When I was a little girl, my Mother told me she thought that I was clever. She said "Oh, my lovely daughter, you are so very clever. I think, if you study hard, you could become a doctor someday!"

    I accepted this idea and, gradually, I came to believe I could achieve it. I told all of my friends that some day, I would become a doctor.

    My dream stayed with me until I started intermediate school. By the time I progressed to secondary school, the dream had disappeared altogether until, two years ago, I decided that I wanted to study to become a translator. I enjoyed studying languages and wanted to earn my living as a professional translator.

    Translation is very difficult and challenging to learn. There are many grades and styles of translating. Although it is very hard, I believe I am capable of achieving this and I am determined to succeed. I have worked very hard to realise this dream.

    I have so far completed three courses in my english studies at my university and I have transferred to the english department. I do additional studies to help develop my skills and abilities in learning english. I use the resources available on the internet and I have become a moderator on one of the websites that I frequent. I spend my time helping other students of differing abilities by providing them with resources that have helped me in my own studies such as stories and essays and resources such as dictionaries and games.

    Learning and studying english has been very fulfilling for me and has made a big difference to my life and my outlook.

    I give my thanks and praise to Allah (PBUH) for his kindness, wisdom and guidance and I humbly ask that he continue to grant my dreams.

    I hope this has been helpful and I hope my critique hasn't felt too harsh to you. There are some other odds and ends (such as capitalising the word 'english' perhaps that others may comment on). I would stress that, however much you might feel you have to do, you have made yourself quite understood here, so you can be confident that you english is of a very good standard. We all (not least myself!) have more to learn.

    Thanks and best of luck to you!

    Mark

  3. #3
    lolitta.s is offline Newbie
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    Red face Re: Is it right ..??!!

    Thank you so much teacher Mark

    I hope you accept this




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