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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    V.I.P.-part one Short story

    Dear people
    Please, would you proofread the first part of my short story.

    Nobody knew who had brought the news to the town. What was certain is the fact that one early morning old women sat on the wobbly benches in front of their houses and chatted about someone very important who was due to visit the town. A few of them had been knitting thick woollen socks, although it was in the height of summer. However, they knew that once when the summer was finished, the cold winters days would dominate people and animals for months, compelling them to use all kind of clothes to protect themselves from their harshness.

    Although, it was an early morning it was hot and people could expect another scorching day. The rains had not fallen for weeks and the ground was dusty and thirsty. There were deep cracks in the soil in which hens pecked and scratched in the hope of finding a lost worm. Two stray dogs lay under the oak three, with their tongues hanging. At time they would snip at the flies which would not leave them in peace. Their dark eyes were fixed on a group of children playing in the dust. Sooner of later, some of them would get hungry and demand a slice of bread with a jam from their mothers. It was also their chance to get some food.

    The sound of crickets chirping and birds twittering in the bushes filled the the hot air. Someone had been trying playing the acoustic guitar. A few tones had made the brave entrance in the stifling atmosphere and then stopped.
    "It was more then thirty years ago when our President visited our town," said the first old woman. She almost did not have any teeth left in her mouth. Her face was so much wrinkled that had she asked any plastic surgeon for the help, he would have helped her without her paying any charge.
    She puffed thoughtfully at her cigarette.
    "I remember that day as if it were yesterday said the second old woman, skilfully using her needles and doing her knitting. "We were ordered to gathered in the centre and they told us HE was due to come in about two weeks. They told us that the whole town must be cleaned and washed thoroughly. All fronts of the buildings should have been painted anew, fences repaired, holes in the asphalt plugged, threes pruned according the books, hedges trimmed and grass mowed. They planted flowers along the way and decorated streets with flags and banners. We were told that all animals should have been kept inside. We could not have risked to have our President getting angry because of a hen picking at the ground or a dog barking .

    Finally, the whole town gathered on the both sides of the streets. We all waved flags and white handkerchiefs. It was an atmosphere of a great expectation in the crowd. It was the first time in our history that such an important person decided to visit our godforsaken place. Finally, the papers were going to write about us, we would become part of the civilisation.

    We had been waiting for some hours under the scorching sun, hungry and thirsty. An old man collapsed and was immediately taken away by an ambulance. Despite all waiting nobody complained.One does not get a chance to see the President every day. Finally we heard the noise in the distance and the people felt silent in eager anticipation, stretching their necks to see the glimpses of the first vehicles."

    To be continued...
    Last edited by Bassim; 27-Apr-2008 at 15:43.

  2. #2
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    Re: V.I.P.-part one Short story

    Nobody knew who had brought the news to the town. What was certain is the fact that early one morning an old woman sat on the wobbly benches in front of her house and chatted about someone very important who was due to visit the town. A few of them had been knitting thick woollen socks, although it was the height of summer. However, they knew that once the summer was finished/over, the cold winter days would dominate for months, compelling them to use all kinds of clothing to protect themselves from its harshness.

    Although, it was early morning it was hot and people could expect another scorching day. The rains had not fallen for weeks and the ground was dusty and thirsty. There were deep cracks in the soil in which hens pecked and scratched in the hope of finding a lost worm. Two stray dogs lay under the oak tree with their tongues hanging. At times/now and again they would snap at the flies which would not leave them in peace. Their dark eyes were fixed on a group of children playing in the dust. Sooner or later, some of them would get hungry and demand a slice of bread with/and jam from their mothers. It was also their chance to get some food.

    The sound of crickets chirping and birds twittering in the bushes filled the hot air. Someone tried playing an acoustic guitar, a few tones/notes made a brave entrance in the stifling atmosphere and then stopped.

    "It was more than thirty years ago when our President visited our town," said the first old woman. She almost/hardly had any teeth left in her mouth and her face was so wrinkled that had she asked any plastic surgeon for the help, he would have helped her without making any charge. She puffed thoughtfully at her cigarette.

    "I remember that day as if it were yesterday said the second old woman, skilfully using/working her knitting needles. "We were ordered to gather in the centre and they told us HE was due to come/arrive in about two weeks. They told us that the whole town must be cleaned and washed and thoroughly prepared. All fronts/facades of the buildings should be painted anew, fences repaired, holes in the asphalt plugged, trees pruned according to the books, hedges trimmed and the grass mown. They planted flowers along the way and decorated the streets with flags and banners. We were told that all animals should/were to be kept inside. We could not risk our President getting angry because of a hen pecking at the ground or a dog barking.

    Finally, the whole town gathered on the both sides of the streets. We all waved flags and white handkerchiefs. It/there was an atmosphere of a great expectation in the crowd. It was the first time in our history that such an important person had decided to visit our godforsaken place. Finally, the papers were going to write about us, we would become part of the civilisation.

    We had been waiting for some hours under the scorching sun, hungry and thirsty. An old man collapsed and was immediately taken away by ambulance. Despite all the waiting nobody complained. One does not get the chance to see the President every day. Finally we heard the noise in the distance and the people fell silent in eager anticipation, stretching their necks to see a glimpse of the first vehicles."


    Last edited by Svaneska; 28-Apr-2008 at 14:06.

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Re: V.I.P.-part one Short story

    Sweetie

    Thank you for helping me! I have not expected you in this late hour. I am just writing the second part of the story. I feel tired but I am writing anyway.

    Thank you for your all help and your support.

    Bassim

  4. #4
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Re: V.I.P.-part one Short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Svaneska View Post
    Nobody knew who had brought the news to the town. What was certain is the fact that early one morning an old women sat on the wobbly benches in front of her house and chatted about someone very important who was due to visit the town. A few of them had been knitting thick woollen socks, although it was the height of summer. However, they knew that once the summer was finished/over, the cold winter days would dominate for months, compelling them to use all kinds of clothing to protect themselves from its harshness.

    I can't quite see why you have changed the plural old women to a singular old woman in the first sentence, since the subsequent sentence confirms that there are a group of old women.

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    Re: V.I.P. - part one Short story

    Thank you Anglika – you are quite right in your observation, I should have left it in the plural!

    Nobody knew who had brought the news to the town. What was certain is the fact that early one morning some old women sat on the wobbly benches in front of their houses and chatted about someone very important who was due to visit the town. A few of them had been knitting thick woollen socks, although it was in the height of summer.

  6. #6
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    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Re: V.I.P.-part one Short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Nobody knew who had brought the news to the town. What was certain is the fact that one early morning old women sat on the wobbly benches in front of their houses and chatted about someone very important who was due to visit the town. A few of them had been knitting thick woollen socks, although it was in the height of summer. However, they knew that once when the summer was finished, the cold winters days would dominate people and animals for months, compelling them to use all kind of clothes to protect themselves from their harshness.
    Nobody knew who had brought the news to the town. What was certain is that one early morning some old women sat on the wobbly benches in front of their houses and chatted about someone very important who was due to visit the town. A few of them had been knitting thick woollen socks although it was the height of summer. However, they knew that once summer was over the cold winter days would dominate people and animals for months, compelling them to use all kinds of clothes to protect themselves from the cold.
    Note that I took "the fact that" out of the second sentence. I recommend that you always do that.

  7. #7
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    Re: V.I.P.-part one Short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Although, it was an early morning it was hot and people could expect another scorching day. The rains had not fallen for weeks and the ground was dusty and thirsty. There were deep cracks in the soil in which hens pecked and scratched in the hope of finding a lost worm. Two stray dogs lay under the oak three, with their tongues hanging. At time they would snip at the flies which would not leave them in peace. Their dark eyes were fixed on a group of children playing in the dust. Sooner of later, some of them would get hungry and demand a slice of bread with a jam from their mothers. It was also their chance to get some food.
    Although it was early morning it was hot and people could expect another scorching day. The rains had not fallen for weeks and the ground was dusty and thirsty. There were deep cracks in the soil where hens pecked and scratched in the hope of finding a worm. Two stray dogs lay under the oak tree with their tongues hanging out. At times they would nip at the flies which would not leave them in peace. Sooner of later, some of the children would get hungry and demand a slice of bread with jam from their mothers. It was a chance for the dogs to get some food.

  8. #8
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Re: V.I.P.-part one Short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post

    The sound of crickets chirping and birds twittering in the bushes filled the the hot air. Someone had been trying playing the acoustic guitar. A few tones had made the brave entrance in the stifling atmosphere and then stopped.
    "It was more then thirty years ago when our President visited our town," said the first old woman. She almost did not have any teeth left in her mouth. Her face was so much wrinkled that had she asked any plastic surgeon for the help, he would have helped her without her paying any charge.
    The sound of crickets chirping and birds twittering in the bushes filled the hot air. Someone had been picking at an acoustic guitar. A few notes made a brave entrance in the stifling atmosphere and then died. "It was more then thirty years ago when our President visited our town," said the first old woman. She had almost no teeth left in her mouth. Her face was so wrinkled that had she asked a plastic surgeon for help he would have helped her for free.
    Yeah, right!

  9. #9
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    Re: V.I.P.-part one Short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Finally we heard the noise in the distance and the people felt silent in eager anticipation, stretching their necks to see the glimpses of the first vehicles."
    Finally we heard a noise in the distance and the people fell silent in eager anticipation stretching their necks to see glimpses of the first vehicles.
    Now let's see the revised paragraphs posted here.

    ~R

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