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Thread: admission ESSAY

  1. #1
    onetwothree's Avatar
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    Default admission ESSAY

    Hello all! I have to write an admission essay to be accepted by a private high school. I've just finished it. I'll post it here. I would be grateful if you could read, give your comments and correct the mistakes for me. Thank you very much.

    ===============


    I would like to attend Trinity Catholic High School for several reasons.

    Firstly, being said to have gotten high qualified and experienced teachers, good material conditions and good reputation and to offer many advanced courses and athletic programs, Catholic High School will probably best allow me to realize my academic potential as well as provide me a lot of opportunities to promote both academic and athletic performance of mine.

    Secondly, noticing that Trinity Catholic High School has several meaningful extracurricular activities, I believe it can help me not only to improve my social skills but also to learn how to live for others and to put my love for Christ into action.

    Finally, because, according to my aunt, who lives in MA, the school is located in a safe and wonderful area and also it is rather near her house, I think there would be nothing for my parents to worry about me while I am attending Trinity Catholic High School.

    For all the above, it is certain that attending Trinity Catholic High School will be the first and one of the greatest experiences of mine in the U.S . In other words, that will be a good starting point of my life as an international student.

    In response to the second question, I can assure you that I will make many contributions to Trinity Catholic High School.

    For one thing, I like to design themes for blog in my free time. I also spend a lot of time learning CSS code, one of the most popular codes used for website designing nowadays, and how to use Adobe Photoshop, as well as some other graphic-softwares. Thus, I think I can help decorate your ceremonies or classrooms, design your newspapers and write good articles for it if I am accepted as a student of your school. Last year, I was chosen as the head of my class newspaper, which won the first reward in the school competition.

    Furthermore, having learned solidarity in team work, as well as independence when I have to face challenges, I believe I can co-operate well with other students in studying, making school projects and joining state or even national competitions to get the highest possible awards for the school, as well as to give it good reputation.

    And finally, being a student from another country, I will try my best to make my presence at school promote the school's diversity of culture.

    =========================

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: admission ESSAY

    Quote Originally Posted by onetwothree View Post

    I would like to attend Trinity Catholic High School for several reasons.

    Quote Originally Posted by onetwothree View Post
    Firstly, being said to have gotten high qualified and experienced teachers,
    Trinity Catholic High School has a reputation for having highly qualified and experienced teachers.

  3. #3
    Quintin Guest

    Default Re: admission ESSAY

    Dear sender:
    I don't think this letter would help you to get into a high reputation school! That's because:
    1) This is an essay and you should have included your findings about the school
    2) You should write down why is your ambition important to that school
    3) You should give them evidences on what are good student you are! School principal's comment would be higher recommended to be put in!
    4) Don't put so much your comment about what you are going to do (Write down what you've known about the school and try to write down what a wonderful school it is ~~Do NOT write "I think" ~~ You need to let them know that you are certain)

    I hope these comments are useful!
    Quintin

  4. #4
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    Default Re: admission ESSAY

    Re:
    In response to the second question, I can assure you that I will make many contributions to Trinity Catholic High School.
    What is the second question? What is the first question?

    Is part of the reason for this essay to show how proficient you are at English?

    ~R

  5. #5
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    Default Re: admission ESSAY

    Due to ethical concerns the help I can give you on this one is limited.

  6. #6
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: admission ESSAY

    What is the head of the class newspaper? The editor?

    ~R

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