View Poll Results: Which essay is better? What grade level?

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15. This poll is closed
  • Essay 1

    5 33.33%
  • Essay 2

    10 66.67%
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Thread: Which essay?

  1. #1
    Tuanchut is offline Newbie
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    Default Which essay?

    Hi,

    I need some advice here on these two essays. They both focuses on the topic of significant person. Which one is better? My brother refuse to listen to my advice. Can you guys suggest on how to improve it? What grade level do you think these essays belong to?



    ESSAY #1

    There is no surprise that sibling can not stand each other, I am no difference—my brother and I fight all the time. When I was ask to write this essay, I naturally thought of ……my parent but I already wrote essays about them. Thus, this significant person essay will dedicate to my “lovely” brother. Jokes aside, my brother John is a kind, caring, supporting person who always been there for me. When I was growing up, I was spoil and arrogant. Furthermore, I could not connect with my parent’s culture because I came here when I was just four years old. I refuse to listen to my parent’s advices and teachings. Frankly, I wasn’t appreciated the things that my parent did for me. My brother in the other hand was very mature at a young age, he understand all the hardships that my parents went through. My brother and I became very close when I was eight years old; he taught me a lot of things that make me the person I am today.

    Even though this essay is dedicated to my brother, I wouldn’t say he always been knowledgeable or a good role model. I imitated my brother’s behaviors and ideas—some good, some bad. When he was growing up, he used to hang around the wrong crowd and assorted the unbeneficial beliefs about school and education. He decided that school was not as important as party or friend. Consequently, He began to skip school and neglect his schoolwork. I imitated him. I was following my role model and intimate his behaviors. But he turned around when he got to high school. I am on the other hand enjoyed my leisure life too much to change. Initially, I refused to change but when I saw what my brother accomplished. I decided to follow his footsteps. He made mistakes but he was able to fix it. That is one thing I admire about my brother.

    My brother says “Elementary and middle school don’t matter Will. What matter is high school; the transcript you get from high school is what going to determine your college option.” I tried to change immediately but it was hard. Eventually, I used my sheer determination to improve myself. I worked hard but I had a lot to catch up. My brother was there to help me along the way. My first report card was more than I hope for; I received three B and an A. My brother once told me that “brain is a terrible thing to waste. I believe you can do better.” I got a perfect GPA at the end of my second advisory. I could not do this without my brother helps.

    My brother is attending a local university and pursuing a career in psychology. In his free time, he is searching for spirituality. Who else do you know at the age of 21 searching for spirituality? Even though as I grow up, we disagree on a lot thing and we fight a lot. I respect, love and admire my brother.


    ESSAY #2

    Looking at my brother, I see a kind and supporting person who pushes me up the ladder while I was still learning how to walk. My brother is a man who value respect, intelligent, and learning about the world. When I was growing up, it was easy to get angry at my parents for punishing me. Spoiled at the time, I was basically biting the finger that was feeding me. Luckily, my brother was there to educate me on the heroic things my parents such as working long tedious hours at a job that is going nowhere.

    When I was young I thought School was a place that I need to get by, something I don’t really need. At least that what I thought at the time, I thought I knew everything there was to know about life. I was horribly wrong and my brother was there to shows me what the uneducated have to suffer. My brother shows me the hobos, the minimum paid clerk at our favorite market, and so many more examples.

    My brother says “Elementary and middle school don’t matter Will. What matter is high school; the transcript you get from high school is what going to determine your option.”
    I try hard to switch from a lazy person to a worker. It was hard but eventually I was able to touch my potential.

    Freshman year, it was a cold afternoon when my first report card got in. The grade was a little above average but not great. My brother says “Brain is a terrible thing to waste but I see that you are trying and that is more than commendable in my opinion. I still believe you can do infinitely better so try harder.” With those words of inspiration I try even harder than before. Of course I didn’t feel really challenge so I didn’t try my best. That is until 10th grade when I chose to enroll in AP computer science. The class was extremely difficult because it is a very detail-center class. That is one of the skills that I acquired from the class and I used that to succeed in other classes. I got a perfect GPA at the end of the first advisory and it was the wonderful teachers along with my brother that help me succeed.

    Just like most of my peers, I was ignorant of the world. I didn’t know famous figure such as Winston Churchill, Augusta Caesar, or Kofi Annan. I hate history class because it takes about the same things over and over again. It was one the most boring class in my opinion and not because I don’t like history but because it was the same figures over many times. I learned to love history from my brother who is a history buff if I say so myself. I learned the dark history of human but I didn’t hate the world for it because I also learned about the good side of it. Just like Mohandas Ghandi say “You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” A quote that I live by.

  2. #2
    Tuanchut is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Which essay?

    I am kind of surprise that people are voting for essay #2. Can someone tell me why?

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