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  1. #1
    flowerseed is offline Junior Member
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    Default Please comment on my writing!

    topic: Will you offer 10 years of your life for 500 million yuan? Suppose you wake up one morning just to find that you are ten years older, and you find 500 million yuan added to you credit card.

    My writing :

    This is an interesting assumption. Honestly, I'd be willing to trade my ten years of life for 500 million yuan. It may sound silly if I were still a young girl in my prime time. However, as a middle aged one, I have already lived long enough to gain a full knowledge of a human life. So, the traded ten years wouldn't make much difference to my remaining life time. Well, what really interests me is the use I can make of the 500 million yuan.

    I have always been thinking about getting rich enough to ensure all my loved ones a carefree life. My father died many years ago and my mother is growing older and older. My two brothers can only keep their families fed and warm. All their life, they have never been rich enough to get the things they want . Instead, they are always saving any money they can to provide for their children and their partners. Now, since I suddenly become rich, I can give them each 100 million yuan. As a result, my mother would feel relaxed when playing majiang with her peers because she no longer has to worry about losing money. My older brother would happily deposit the 100 million in his bank account and begin to sleep well without having to worry about getting too old to work. And my second brother could go to the best hospital to have his diabetes treated and become a healthy man again. I won't give my sister any money, because she already earns big money by doing a successful business.

    Now I have 200 million left. I will keep 100 million yuan and give the other 100 million to my husband, who always wants to start his own business. He has told me many times that he feels his life will be wasted if he has never set a business of his own. Now , with the money I give him, he can really have his own business and make his dream come true, whatever it is.

    Finally, I will deposit the 100 millon yuan in my bank account and forget it until the time for my daughter to study abroad comes. I just wish the one million yuan will still be valuable enough for paying her further education in one of the best universities in the world. She still needs to take part-time jobs to support herself, though there is no need for her to worry about her tuition.

    Not a bit will my life change with the extra 500 million yuan, but I know I will be much happier knowing all my loved ones are having a better life because of my sacrifice.


    Any comments are welcome, especially those from native speakers of English.

  2. #2
    tzfujimino's Avatar
    tzfujimino is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please comment on my writing!

    Quote Originally Posted by flowerseed View Post
    topic: Will you offer 10 years of your life for 500 million yuan? Suppose you wake up one morning just to find that you are ten years older, and you find 500 million yuan added to you credit card.

    My writing :

    This is an interesting assumption. Honestly, I'd be willing to trade my ten years of life for 500 million yuan. It may sound silly if I were still a young girl in my prime time. However, as a middle aged one, I have already lived long enough to gain a full knowledge of a human life. So, the traded ten years wouldn't make much difference to my remaining life time. Well, what really interests me is the use I can make of the 500 million yuan.

    I have always been thinking about getting rich enough to ensure all my loved ones a carefree life. My father died many years ago and my mother is growing older and older. My two brothers can only keep their families fed and warm. All their life, they have never been rich enough to get the things they want . Instead, they are always saving any money they can to provide for their children and their partners. Now, since I suddenly become rich, I can give them each 100 million yuan. As a result, my mother would feel relaxed when playing majiang with her peers because she no longer has to worry about losing money. My older brother would happily deposit the 100 million in his bank account and begin to sleep well without having to worry about getting too old to work. And my second brother could go to the best hospital to have his diabetes treated and become a healthy man again. I won't give my sister any money, because she already earns big money by doing a successful business.

    Now I have 200 million left. I will keep 100 million yuan and give the other 100 million to my husband, who always wants to start his own business. He has told me many times that he feels his life will be wasted if he has never set a business of his own. Now , with the money I give him, he can really have his own business and make his dream come true, whatever it is.

    Finally, I will deposit the 100 millon yuan in my bank account and forget it until the time for my daughter to study abroad comes. I just wish the one million yuan will still be valuable enough for paying her further education in one of the best universities in the world. She still needs to take part-time jobs to support herself, though there is no need for her to worry about her tuition.

    Not a bit will my life change with the extra 500 million yuan, but I know I will be much happier knowing all my loved ones are having a better life because of my sacrifice.


    Any comments are welcome, especially those from native speakers of English.
    I'm not a native speaker of English, so I can't correct your mistakes, if any.
    I'm touched by your kind consideration and your personality.
    I would have it to myself, of course.

  3. #3
    Soup's Avatar
    Soup is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Please comment on my writing!

    This is an interesting question [assumption has a different meaning]. Honestly, I'd be willing to trade ten years of my life [my ten years of life is awkward] for 500 million yuan. It may sound silly if I were still a young girl in the prime of my life [prime time has a different meaning]. However, as somone who is middle aged [a middle aged one is not English, but Chinese], I have already lived long enough to gain full knowledge [a full knowledge is incorrect because knowledge isn't countable: it doesn't take a determiner] of life [of human life is redudant]. So, losing ten years wouldn't make much of a difference to my remaining years. What really interests me is what I could do with the 500 million yuan.

  4. #4
    thedaffodils's Avatar
    thedaffodils is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please comment on my writing!

    I have always been thinking about getting rich enough to ensure all my loved ones a carefree life. My father died many years ago and my mother is growing older and older.
    Hi!

    I am not a teacher and I am a Chinese. Here's my two cents.

    I always dream to be rich so that I am able to help my family members have carefree lives. My dad past away many years ago and my mom becomes old now.


    my mother is growing older and older
    It sounds redundant to me because you mom can not be growing younger and younger. So does everyone.

  5. #5
    thedaffodils's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please comment on my writing!

    My two brothers can only keep their families fed and warm. All their life, they have never been rich enough to get the things they want . Instead, they are always saving any money they can to provide for their children and their partners.
    My two brothers just keep wolf from the door. They are never rich enough to buy everything they want. Instead, they always pinch pennies for their families.

    they have never been rich enough to get the things they want
    Well, there're something cheap so they can afford to buy. I suppose you mean 'everything' here. And there're something which don't involve with money, for example, their wives, love, kids.


    PS. I am not a teacher.
    Last edited by thedaffodils; 28-May-2008 at 00:06.

  6. #6
    thedaffodils's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please comment on my writing!

    Now, since I suddenly become rich, I can give them each 100 million yuan.

    If I
    became rich, I could give them each 100 million yuan.

    As a result, my mother would feel relaxed when playing majiang with her peers because she no longer has to worry about losing money.
    So my mother would be carefree if she lost her money when she played mah-jong with her pals.

    My older brother would happily deposit the 100 million in his bank account and begin to sleep well without having to worry about getting too old to work.
    If my oldest brother had 100 million in his bank account, he would not worry about his life after his retirement any more.


    And my second brother could go to the best hospital to have his diabetes treated and become a healthy man again.
    And my older brother could go to the best hospital and have his diabetes treated well.

    Note: As I knew, diabetes is still incurable in the world so far nowadays so he can not become a healthy man even if you have enough money.


    PS. I'm not a teacher.

  7. #7
    thedaffodils's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please comment on my writing!

    Finally, I will deposit the 100 millon yuan in my bank account and forget it until the time for my daughter to study abroad comes.
    I would park 100 million yuan in my own bank account and forget it until my daughter wanted to go to study abroad.

    I just wish the one million yuan will still be valuable enough for paying her further education in one of the best universities in the world.
    I hope one million yuan would not depreciate so much at that time that it could support her further education in one of the best universities in the world.


    She still needs to take part-time jobs to support herself, though there is no need for her to worry about her tuition.
    There's a contradiction in your sentence.

    She wants to ..., though it's no necessary for her...



    PS. I am not a teacher.
    Last edited by thedaffodils; 28-May-2008 at 01:46.

  8. #8
    thedaffodils's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please comment on my writing!

    Not a bit will my life change with the extra 500 million yuan, but I know I will be much happier knowing all my loved ones are having a better life because of my sacrifice.
    My life would change nothing with 500 million yuan, but I know I will be be way happier knowing all I loved are have better lives because of my sacrifice.

    #1 Since it is just a dream, I would like to suggest you use subjunctive mood.

    #2 It seems
    paradoxical to me that you said your life would not change a bit but then you mentioned about your sacrifice.

    I suppose you refers to " it would benefit my own self nothing" rather than your life would not change a bit.

    PS. I am not a teacher.



  9. #9
    thedaffodils's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please comment on my writing!

    topic: Will you offer 10 years of your life for 500 million yuan? Suppose you wake up one morning just to find that you are ten years older, and you find 500 million yuan added to you credit card.
    Almost no one puts his /her money in credit cards. Credit cards are usually used to pay what you buy before you return your money to the banks . Of course, some people draw cash from credit cards but have to pay very high interest.

    You must refer to bank account.


    PS. I am not a teacher.
    Last edited by thedaffodils; 28-May-2008 at 01:40.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Please comment on my writing!

    I have long dreamed of being rich enough to

    ensure : your writing style in this paragraph is conversational; and 'ensure' is just a bit too formal, cold, business-contract like. The sentence could be altered slightly -(loved ones had a carefree..) but this changes the rhythm. It may seem odd, but to my ear, 'guarantee' is less cold a word, and has a whimsical sense when referring to the human condition. This is purely a judgment call to do with personal taste and style.

    guarantee all my loved ones a carefree life. My father died many years ago and my mother is growing older and older. My two brothers can only just/barely keep their families fed and warm.

    All their life, they have never been rich enough to get the things they want .
    You have just told us how poor they are. It is odd then to be told 'they have never been rich enough to... it is too far to the other extreme.

    In all their lives, they have never had enough to get the things they want.

    want: my first thought was to change this to 'need', but in view of the next sentence, I think you mean, what they might want for themselves, just for themselves - instead, they have to put all their money aside to provide for their dependents.

    Instead, they are always saving any money they can to provide for their children and their partners.


    Now, suddenly rich, I can give each of them 100 million yuan.
    NOTE: You have now changed from the Conditional mood and so verbs will differ. Whether in your original wording, or my rewording, you write "I can.." This is fine. It means you are inviting the reader to accept the 'dream' as a new reality which makes a bigger impact - we really enter into it as if it is a dream come true. Otherwise, to keep it Conditional (If I were rich..) you would have to write, " I could give each of them..."

    As a result,: again, this jolts as it is not in the style of the rest of the paragraph. This is a little 'logical, scientific'

    As well, my mother would feel relaxed when playing majiang with her friends because she no longer has to worry about losing any money.

    My older brother would happily deposit the 100 million in his bank account and begin to sleep well, not having to worry about getting too old to work.

    And my second brother could go to the best hospital to have his diabetes treated and be a healthy man again. I won't give my sister any money: she already earns big money running a successful business.

    Oh oh! One senses family drama here. If she's so well off, why isn't she helping out the rest of the family? I thought that was what happened in Chinese families. Some falling out perhaps, or some husband interfering?? Leave the reader intrigued by the brusqueness with which you dismiss her.
    Last edited by David L.; 28-May-2008 at 03:38.

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