Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12
  1. #1
    new2grammar's Avatar
    new2grammar is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    880
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default writing practice kindly check!!!

    In a sensational revelation at the press conference, the Nodia Police said that the renewed dentist Dr. Rajesh is the murdered of her 14-year-old daughter. Police theory says that Dr. Rajesh was having an extra-marital affair with his colleague Dr. Anita with which her daughter was uncomfortable. Secondly her daughter was having a close relation with the servant. That fateful night when he returned home he found servant in her daughter’s room in an objectionable position but not compromising position. He took servant on the terrace on pretext he want to talk something important, there he hit him on head with hammer and then slit his throat. After that he came downstairs fixed a whisky for himself and went inside his daughter’s room and killed her in the same way. The Police said motive can be a ‘honour killing’ but that will be ascertain only after further investigation.

    Kindly check the above para for grammar mistakes, so i can learn where i make mistakes

    Thanks in advance!!

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    16,570
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: writing practice kindly check!!!

    Say:
    on the head with a hammer
    Suggestions in blue.

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    In a sensational revelation at the press conference, the Nodia Police said that the renewed dentist Dr. Rajesh is the murdered of her 14-year-old daughter.

    In a sensational revelation at the press conference, the Nodia Police said that Dr. Rajesh, a dentist, is the murderer of his 14-year-old daughter.
    I couldn't make sense out of "renewed" there, so I took it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    Police theory says that Dr. Rajesh was having an extra-marital affair with his colleague Dr. Anita with which her daughter was uncomfortable.

    Police theory says that Dr. Rajesh was having an extra-marital affair with his colleague Dr. Anita, and his daughter disapproved of it.

    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    Secondly her daughter was having a close relation with the servant.

    Secondly, his daughter was having an affair with the servant.
    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    That fateful night when he returned home he found servant in her daughter’s room in an objectionable position but not compromising position. He took servant on the terrace on pretext he want to talk something important, there he hit him on head with hammer and then slit his throat.

    That fateful night when he returned home he found the servant in his daughter’s room doing somethig objectionable. He took servant onto the terrace on the pretext that he want to talk about something important.


    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post
    After that he came downstairs fixed a whisky for himself and went inside his daughter’s room and killed her in the same way. The Police said motive can be a ‘honour killing’ but that will be ascertain only after further investigation.
    Quote Originally Posted by new2grammar View Post


    After that he came downstairs and poured a whisky for himself. Then he went inside his daughter's room and killed her the same way he had killed the servant. The Police said motive could be a ‘honour killing’ but that will be ascertained only after further investigation.
    You need to more consistent with your descriptives (his, her).


  3. #3
    new2grammar's Avatar
    new2grammar is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    880
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: writing practice kindly check!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    Say:
    on the head with a hammer
    Suggestions in blue.

    [/font][/size]
    In a sensational revelation at the press conference, the Nodia Police said that Dr. Rajesh, a dentist, is the murderer of his 14-year-old daughter.
    I couldn't make sense out of "renewed" there, so I took it out.

    Police theory says that Dr. Rajesh was having an extra-marital affair with his colleague Dr. Anita, and his daughter disapproved of it.
    Secondly, his daughter was having an affair with the servant.
    That fateful night when he returned home he found the servant in his daughter’s room doing somethig objectionable. He took servant onto the terrace on the pretext that he want to talk about something important.

    [size=3][font=Times New Roman]
    After that he came downstairs and poured a whisky for himself. Then he went inside his daughter's room and killed her the same way he had killed the servant. The Police said motive could be a ‘honour killing’ but that will be ascertained only after further investigation.
    You need to more consistent with your descriptives (his, her).

    Thanks a lot for such a wonderful and detail explanation about the para it really helped me to understand where I am wrong and which area I need to work on. I would request you that just rate me on the scale of 10 points. What you think how is my writing style

    Thanks a lot have a nice day!

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    16,570
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: writing practice kindly check!!!

    Correction:
    He took the servant onto the terrace on the pretext that he want to talk about something important.
    I don't know about rating the writing in that piece, but I wouldn't be able to rate it higher than a 5. It's too confusing. Sorry.



  5. #5
    Kraken's Avatar
    Kraken is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    333
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: writing practice kindly check!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by new2grammar
    Police theory says that Dr. Rajesh was having an extra-marital affair with his colleague Dr. Anita with which her daughter was uncomfortable.

    Police theory says that Dr. Rajesh was having an extra-marital affair with his colleague Dr. Anita, and his daughter disapproved of it.

    With due respect, I disagree on this one. The original sentence does not imply her daughter disapproved that relationship; rather, it says that Dr. Rajesh didn't feel for her. In my opinion (I'm not a teacher), it could be put something like this:

    Police theory says that Dr. Rajesh was having an extra-marital affair with his colleague Dr. Anita, whose daughter he found disturbing.

  6. #6
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    16,570
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: writing practice kindly check!!!

    Re:
    Police theory says that Dr. Rajesh was having an extra-marital affair with his colleague Dr. Anita with which her daughter was uncomfortable.
    The daughter was uncomfortable with the extramarital affair. Why? She disapproved of it. (No other reason is given, and it is the only logical conclusion.)

    BTW, as it turned out, it was his daughter who was uncomfortable with the extramarital affair.


  7. #7
    Kraken's Avatar
    Kraken is offline Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    333
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: writing practice kindly check!!!

    I was blind, but now I see!
    I took the wrong approach. Thank you Ron.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    12
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: writing practice kindly check!!!

    In a sensational revelation at the press conference, the Nodia Police said that the renewed dentist Dr. Rajesh is the murdered of her 14-year-old daughter.

    NOTE:
    (a) Use of 'sensational' implies that the news is good. Perhaps look for another word as it is referring to the discovery of a murderer.
    (b) 'the' press conference - is this part of a larger text where the exact topic of the press conference has been discussed previously. If not, then perhaps add a title to the press conference, e.g. add in the name of the town where it happened - In a sensational revelation at the Edinburgh Murders Press Conference, the ...
    (c) As it is a dramatic statement (i.e. that they were saying who the murderer was) then substitute 'said' with a stronger word, e.g. The Nodia Police stated that... or 'The Nodia Police made a statement that the renowned..., claimed, ...
    (d) 'renowned' I believe, instead of 'renewed'.
    (e) The Nodia Police claimed that the ronowned dentist, Dr Rajesh murdered his (you refer to Dr Rajesh as a man throughout the rest of the paragraph) daughter.
    (f) I might even add his motive here and then go on to describe the results leading up to the killing.

    Sorry only have notes for sentence 1. Hope this may be of help.

    Just a few questions - what is the purpose of your writing (to provide a short newspaper article, or something similar)? In order to ask someone to give you a grade, you need to tell them the purpose and specifications for your writing.

    Also, do you use a graphic organiser to plan your work? Is your writing supposed to be of this length or would you like to expand on the description in your writing?

  9. #9
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    16,570
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: writing practice kindly check!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by scullion5 View Post
    NOTE:
    (a) Use of 'sensational' implies that the news is good.
    The football world was rocked last night by the sensational revelation that former England international Ray Parlour now officially has less money than sense, thanks to a piggy bank emptying divorce settlement.
    The Onion Bag Issue 54: Parlour: less money than sense

    Breaking News! The police got vital information in the sensational Arushi Talwar murder case. The killer is well within the reach of the police and his name will be announced shortly. In a sensational revelation, the UP ADG said that Arushi was killed in a professional manner. According to the ADG, the murder was committed either by a butcher or a doctor.
    http://www.breakingnewsonline.net/20...rder-case.html

    "I was Larry Birkhead's secret gay lover!" That's the sensational revelation of Kerrick Ross, a handsome male model who carried on a torrid two-month sexual affair with the man who won the blockbuster paternity battle for Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl.
    http://www.crazydaysandnights.net/20...ver-tells.html

    Special Cable to THE NEW YORK TIMES.
    September 21, 1911, Thursday
    Page 1, 355 words
    PARIS, Sept. 20. -- Following upon other disappearances of works of art which have been made public since the theft of the "Mona Lisa," a sensational revelation was made to-day by the newspaper Paris-Journal, which announces that no fewer than thirty-two pictures of great value which should be in the Louvre and which formed the greater part of a single collection are no longer to be found.
    MORE LOUVRE ROBBERIES.; Thirty-two of Forty-two Paintings of the Sauva... - Article Preview - The New York Times
    Hm.



  10. #10
    new2grammar's Avatar
    new2grammar is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Punjabi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    880
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: writing practice kindly check!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by scullion5 View Post
    In a sensational revelation at the press conference, the Nodia Police said that the renewed dentist Dr. Rajesh is the murdered of her 14-year-old daughter.

    NOTE:
    (a) Use of 'sensational' implies that the news is good. Perhaps look for another word as it is referring to the discovery of a murderer.
    (b) 'the' press conference - is this part of a larger text where the exact topic of the press conference has been discussed previously. If not, then perhaps add a title to the press conference, e.g. add in the name of the town where it happened - In a sensational revelation at the Edinburgh Murders Press Conference, the ...
    (c) As it is a dramatic statement (i.e. that they were saying who the murderer was) then substitute 'said' with a stronger word, e.g. The Nodia Police stated that... or 'The Nodia Police made a statement that the renowned..., claimed, ...
    (d) 'renowned' I believe, instead of 'renewed'.
    (e) The Nodia Police claimed that the ronowned dentist, Dr Rajesh murdered his (you refer to Dr Rajesh as a man throughout the rest of the paragraph) daughter.
    (f) I might even add his motive here and then go on to describe the results leading up to the killing.

    Sorry only have notes for sentence 1. Hope this may be of help.

    Just a few questions - what is the purpose of your writing (to provide a short newspaper article, or something similar)? In order to ask someone to give you a grade, you need to tell them the purpose and specifications for your writing.

    Also, do you use a graphic organiser to plan your work? Is your writing supposed to be of this length or would you like to expand on the description in your writing?
    Thanks for your contribution to help me improve on it. I read an article in newspaper about the current event then I myself writes it by recalling as much as I can and put it down the way I understood the article. My only purpose to write is to improve on my writing skills, to be master of grammar. As I am student of advertising, this is a must for me, for that I need your help I make it a point to daily write one para and post it on this forums to know where I am and what all improvement I need
    Thanks

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Kindly Check My Grammar....thanks!
    By mitang in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 23-Jul-2008, 01:58
  2. Kindly check my para
    By new2grammar in forum Literature
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-May-2008, 12:16
  3. Please check my paragraph writing
    By fahimaamir in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 28-Mar-2008, 06:14
  4. editing
    By hashem in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 15-Jan-2008, 00:52
  5. Practice: reading, writing and speaking
    By Unregistered in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 17-Dec-2007, 15:02

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •