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  1. #1
    flowerseed is offline Junior Member
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    Please correct my mistakes!

    topic: Will you offer 10 years of your life for 500 million yuan? Suppose you wake up one morning just to find that you are ten years older, and you find 500 million yuan added to you credit card.

    My writing :


    This is an interesting assumption. Honestly, I'd be willing to trade my ten years of life for 500 million yuan. It may sound silly if I were still a young girl in my prime time. However, as a middle aged one, I have already lived long enough to gain a full knowledge of a human life. So, the traded ten years wouldn't make much difference to my remaining life time. Well, what really interests me is the use I can make of the 500 million yuan.

    I have always been thinking about getting rich enough to ensure all my loved ones a carefree life. My father died many years ago and my mother is growing older and older. My two brothers can only keep their families fed and warm. All their life, they have never been rich enough to get the things they want . Instead, they are always saving any money they can to provide for their children and their partners. Now, since I suddenly become rich, I can give them each 100 million yuan. As a result, my mother would feel relaxed when playing majiang with her peers because she no longer has to worry about losing money. My older brother would happily deposit the 100 million in his bank account and begin to sleep well without having to worry about getting too old to work. And my second brother could go to the best hospital to have his diabetes treated and become a healthy man again. I won't give my sister any money, because she already earns big money by doing a successful business.

    Now I have 200 million left. I will keep 100 million yuan and give the other 100 million to my husband, who always wants to start his own business. He has told me many times that he feels his life will be wasted if he has never set a business of his own. Now , with the money I give him, he can really have his own business and make his dream come true, whatever it is.

    Finally, I will deposit the 100 millon yuan in my bank account and forget it until the time for my daughter to study abroad comes. I just wish the one million yuan will still be valuable enough for paying her further education in one of the best universities in the world. She still needs to take part-time jobs to support herself, though there is no need for her to worry about her tuition.

    Not a bit will my life change with the extra 500 million yuan, but I know I will be much happier knowing all my loved ones are having a better life because of my sacrifice.


    Any comments are welcome, especially those from native speakers of English

  2. #2
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
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    Re: Please correct my mistakes!

    Thank you flowerseed for your appreciation and request to have a look at your second writing even though I am not a native speaker. Your writing is so good that I love to read and make suggestions for its improvment. Here also I have suggested omission of some words as in brackets replacement by new word (highlighted).

    This is an interesting assumption. Honestly, I'd be willing to trade my ten years of life for 500 million Yuan. It may sound silly if I were still a young girl in my prime (time) of life. However, (as a middle aged one) having touched the middle age, I have already lived long enough to gain full knowledge of a human life. So, the traded ten years wouldn't make much difference to my remaining life (time) span. Well, what really interests me is how(the use) I can make use of the 500 million Yuan.

    I have always been thinking about getting rich enough to ensure all my loved ones a carefree life. My father died many years ago and my mother is growing older and older. My two brothers can only keep their families fed and warm. All their life, they have never been rich enough to get the things they wanted . Instead, they are always saving some (any) money they can to provide for their children and their partners. Now, since I suddenly become rich, I can give them each 100 million Yuan. As a result, my mother would feel relaxed when playing majiang with her peers because she no longer has to worry about losing money. My elder (older) brother would happily deposit the 100 million in his bank account and have (begin to) sound sleep (well) without having to worry about getting too old to work. And my second brother could go to the best hospital to have his diabetes treated and become a healthy man again. I won't give my sister any money, because she already earns a lot(big money) by doing a successful business.

    Now I have 200 million left. I will keep 100 million Yuan and give the other 100 million to my husband, who always wants to start his own business. He has told me many times his feelings that (he feels) his life would (will) be wasted if he could not (has never) set up a business of his own. Now , with the money I will give him, he can really have his own business and make his dream come true, whatever it may be (is).

    Finally, I will deposit the 100 million Yuan in my bank account and forget it until the time comes for my daughter to study abroad. I just wish the one million Yuan will (still) be adequate (valuable) enough to meet (for paying) her higher (further education) studies in one of the best universities of (in) the world. She may still need to take up part-time jobs to support herself, though there is no need for her to worry about her tuition.

    Not a bit will my life change with the extra 500 million Yuan, but I know I will be much happier to see (knowing) all my loved ones (are) having/leading a better life because of my sacrifice.

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