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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
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    Default Please help me edit my essay!!!


    1. how can I change my theme statement to one sentence? how can I change my theme statement has a strong argument?


    2. Are the topic sentences in every paragraph strong enough ?Are the supporting details support the topic sentences?


    3. How about my conclusion?



    The Life of Canadian Family

    The life of a Canadian family in Canada is very different to the life of Chinese family from Hong Kong (my hometown). In Canada, people have more holidays and salary. That makes them have more time and money to spend on the things that they like. Canadian family life is more blessedness than other countries family life, but they do not value what they own. I should tell Canadian how is the family life in Hong Kong.

    In Hong Kong, people do not earn as much salary as in Canada so people have to work very long time and have many jobs. That is why they do not have much time to spend on their Children. Even if they have free time, they will use their time to rest because they are very tired. My father is an example, he has to work 12 hours a day and only has one day off in a week. He will use his day off to sleep or watch TV. Unlike Hong Kong, Canadian like to go out with their children and play sports with them. They have more out door activity than people in Hong Kong. The main reason is Canada has many things that Hong Kong does not have. For example: big forest, lakes and Mountains (for skiing). Also, the weather in Hong Kong is very hot, people rather go to malls to shopping.

    Living in Hong Kong is very stressful, and stress makes more domestic troubles. The relationship between family members will become bad very easily. For example, my family never listens to me. Canadian will share their feeling with their family and solve the problem together, their relationship with other family members are always good. Even they had problem with other members they will forgive them very quickly. Also, there is a big different between parents in Hong Kong and Canada. Parent in Hong Kong will hit their children if they are naught, but it is a crime to hit their children in Canada.

    Compare to Hong Kong, children in Canada are very lucky, they have a good environment and usually have a good childhood. Their families have time to spend with them and care about them. They get everything they need and wanted but the bad thing is they cannot learn how to take care of themselves. In Hong Kong children became independent when they are young. For example, when I was grade 5 I go to school by myself everyday. I had never seen any parent drive their children to school.

    Canadian should be more value their family life. Compare to Chinese family life in Hong Kong, I think Canadian family life is better. Children will grow up in a good environment and happily. Therefore I prefer to live in Canada. In the future, my children will grow up in a good environment in here.
    Last edited by MJ1982; 28-May-2008 at 23:34.

  2. #2
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
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      • English Teacher
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    Exclamation Re: Please help me edit my essay!!!

    Hi MJ1982! I am not a professional teacher. I am not clear about your 1st two questions. The edited writing is here. Your conlusion is fine.

    The Life of Canadian Family

    The life of a Canadian family in Canada is very different from the life of Chinese family in Hong Kong (my hometown). In Canada, people have more holidays and salary. That enables them to have more time and money to spend on things they like. Canadian family life is more blissful than the family life in other countries, but they do not value what they own. I should tell Canadians how is the family life in Hong Kong.

    In Hong Kong, people do not earn as much salary as in Canada, so they have to work very long time and get engaged in several jobs. That is why they do not have much time to spend on their Children. Even if they have free time, they use that time to rest because they feel very tired. My father is an example, he has to work 12 hours a day with one day off in a week. He uses his off-day to sleep or watch TV. Unlike Hong Kong, Canadian like to go out with their children and play sports with them. They have more out door activity than people in Hong Kong. The main reason is, Canada has many things that Hong Kong does not have. For example: there are big forest, lakes and Mountains (for skiing). In contrast, the weather in Hong Kong is very hot, people rather go to malls for shopping.

    Living in Hong Kong is very stressful, and stress creates more domestic troubles. The relationship between family members becomes bad very easily. For example, my family never listens to me. Canadian will share their feeling with their family members and solve the problem together, so their relationship with other family members are always good. Even they had problem with other members they will forgive them very quickly. Also, there is a big difference between the parents in Hong Kong and Canada. Parents in Hong Kong hits their children if they are naughty, but it is a crime to hit children in Canada.

    Compared to Hong Kong, children in Canada are very lucky, they have a good environment and usually have a caring childhood. Their families have time to spend with them and care about them. They get everything they need and want but the bad thing is they cannot learn how to take care of themselves. In Hong Kong children becomes independent when they are young. For example, when I was in grade 5, I go to school by myself everyday. I had never seen any parent drive their children to school.

    Canadian put more value to their family life as compared to Chinese in Hong Kong, I think Canadian family life is better. Children grow up in a good and happy environment. Therefore, I prefer to live in Canada. In the future, my children will grow up here in a good environment.

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