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  1. #1
    wlulu_66 is offline Newbie
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    Post Disneyland in China

    This is my final essay. Please help me to correct some grammar mistakes.
    It is about the second Disneyland of China in Shanghai. Thanks very much!






    After opening its gate to visitors in 12th September 2005, the Hong KongDisneyland-a Mickey’s newest theme park, had soon become a very popular topic among most of the residents all around the world. HK Disneyland is the second Disney theme park in Asia and the first one in China. It was built on lush LantauIsland, which was said to be one of the world's most densely populated areas in Hong Kong.Seeing the great economic results which Hong Kong Disneyland had brought and its enormous potentialitiesfor further economic development, manypeople claimed that China needed a second Disneyworld, which could be negotiated to set up in the mainland Shanghai. On the other hand, there exist many people holding the opposite point of view that no other Disneyland is necessary in China, for the reason that it will give rise to many problems like resources, money loss, and land if a huge new theme park is being built. This essay will closely focus on the necessity of a second Disneyworld in China.

    To begin with, a new Disneyworld in Shanghai will no doubt push the local tourism ahead and then, at the same time, boost up the Chinese mainland economy. In fact, the HK Disneyland had become glamorous and significant resort for citizens and tourists of HK, so millions of enthusiastic tourists from the mainland China and south-eastern Asia are sure to be attracted to the new park in Shanghai. It is estimated by the experts that more than 7.3 million people will have desire pursuing the paradise within this 15 years. As a consequence, it will stimulate the development of tourism and provide a new opportunity to increase the economy income. Researches show that the park has the potential to bring as much as 148 billion Yuan in the 40 years followed, and the extra consumption of the travelers would be up to 16.8 billion per year. Undeniably, large profits would be made if a second park of China is built in Shanghai.



    For another thing, building up such a magnificent theme park means that there would be millions of vacant positions. It will no doubt be brilliant chances for those who dose not have a job to do. By calculation, new founded posts would be 6000 and in the first year of the park’s operation, about 18400 positions will being asked directly. Besides, in each periods of the park’s working, from initial design, construction, to business and eventually, management, will require a great number of labors. For example, both building site labors and architects would be in an urgent need, then the whole land need to be retained clean and tidy by the employees, and finally, hundreds of tour guides would be in an imperious demandin order to meet the requirements of different kinds of visitors. Accordingly, it will certainly improve the current situation more or less of China mainland which has a high unemployment rate.


    On the contrary, many people hold the opposed opinions that there is no need for China to build a second imitative Disneyworld. Apart from these facilities which are known to every family and the original stories of Disney, much more novel elements are being taken into considerations during the design in order to cooperate with the Chinese characteristics in the HK Disneyland. Therefore, citizens in Shanghai said that Hong Kong had had a park full of Chinese version. In this situation, people may always choose to go to one park, instead of both. So a new theme park similar to the old one is a waste, in term of resources, fund, and land. In addition, some officials and residents in Hong Kong predicted that it would be a big hit to HK if another Disneyland in Shanghai opens. Undoubtedly, passengers from the mainland China would travel to the park in Shanghai for the reason that Shanghai is indeed more convenient than HK for mainland people to access to.


    Essentially, we can never forget the environment issue; to be sure, it makes no sense to gain economic profit by making sacrifices of the nature. As a matter of fact, we all know that once the nature is damaged, it will take more than a couple generations to do the recovery. A great deal of ecological supporters pointed out that construction of a Disneyland means enormous environmental costs. Environmentalists in HK have voiced concerns that the park’s nightly fireworks display would worsen the already bad air quality in Hong Kong. They did a survey and showed that more than 20 tons of rubbish is created every single day in the HK Disneyland. Given these facts, it seems that the negotiation of the so-called ‘magical’ world is just a place threatening environmental sanitation.



  2. #2
    English-coach's Avatar
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    Default re: Disneyland in China

    Quote Originally Posted by wlulu_66 View Post
    This is my final essay. Please help me to correct some grammar mistakes.
    It is about the second Disneyland of China in Shanghai. Thanks very much!






    After opening its gate to visitors on September 12 2005, the Hong KongDisneyland-a Mickey’s newest theme park, has soon become a very popular topic among most residents all around the world. HK Disneyland is the second Disney theme park in Asia and the first one in China. It was built on lush LantauIsland, which is said to be one of the world's most densely populated areas in Hong Kong. Seeing the great economic results which Hong Kong Disneyland has brought and its enormous potencial for further economic development, manypeople claimed that China needed a second Disneyworld, which could be set up in mainland Shanghai. On the other hand, there are many people holding the opposite point of view that another Disneyland is not necessary in China, because it will create problems with resources, money loss, and land if a huge new theme park is built. This essay will closely focus on the necessity of a second Disneyworld in China.

    To begin with, a new Disneyworld in Shanghai will no doubt push the local tourism ahead and then, at the same time, boost the Chinese mainland economy. In fact, the HK Disneyland has become a glamorous and important resort for both citizens and tourists of HK. This suggests that millions of enthusiastic tourists from the mainland China and south-eastern Asia are sure to be attracted to a new park in Shanghai. It is estimated by experts that more than 7.3 million people will want to visit the paradise within the next 15 years. As a consequence, it will stimulate the development of tourism and provide a new opportunity to increase economic income. Research shows that the park has the potential to bring in as much as 148 billion Yuan in the next 40 years, and the extra consumption of the travelers would add up to 16.8 billion per year. Undeniably, large profits would be made if a second park of China is built in Shanghai.



    In addition, building such a magnificent theme park means that there would be millions of job vacancies. It would no doubt be a brilliant opportunity for those who currently are unemployed. By calculation, new founded posts would be approximatly 6000 and in the first year of the park’s operation, about 18400 positions would be created. Besides this, in each period of the park’s operation, from initial design, construction, to business and eventually, management, a great number of labors will be required. For example, both building site labors and architects would be in urgent need, then the whole land would need to maintained clean and tidy by the employees, and finally, hundreds of tour guides would be in demand in order to meet the requirements of different kinds of visitors. Accordingly, it would certainly improve the current situation more or less in mainland China, which has a high unemployment rate.


    On the contrary, many people hold the opposite opinion
    that there is no need for China to build a second imitative Disneyworld. Apart from these facilities which are known to every family and the original stories of Disney, much more novel elements are being taken into considerations during the design in order to cooperate with the Chinese characteristics in the HK Disneyland. Therefore, citizens in Shanghai said that Hong Kong had to have a full Chinese version park. In this situation, people may always choose to go to one park, instead of both. So a new theme park similar to the old one is a waste, in term of resources, funds, and land. In addition, some officials and residents of Hong Kong predicted that it would be a big hit to HK if another Disneyland in Shanghai opened. Undoubtedly, passengers from mainland China would travel to the park in Shanghai because Shanghai is indeed more convenient than HK for mainland people to access.


    Essentially, we can never forget the environmental issue; as it makes no sense to gain economic profit by sacrificing nature. As a matter of fact, we all know that once nature is damaged, it will take more than a couple generations to recover. A great deal of ecological supporters pointed out that the construction of another Disneyland means enormous environmental costs. Environmentalists in HK have voiced concerns that the park’s nightly fireworks display would worsen the already bad air quality in Hong Kong. They did a survey and showed that more than 20 tons of rubbish is created every single day in the HK Disneyland. Given these facts, it seems that the negotiation of the so-called ‘magical’ world is just a place threatening environmental sanitation.

    Great eassy! Here are some more comments.

    Are you talking about DisneyWorld or Land? They are different and you need to choose one and use it throughout your entire essay.

    Make sure you use Would not will...as this is a hypothetical situation.

    You need to have a more gradual and clear conclusion. Sum up your arguments and leave the reader with strong argument.

    Once again, it is a very well written essay and with a bit more work it will be perfect. :)

    I hope that my corrections and advice help you.
    Have a great day!

    Diana Tower
    http://www.helping-you-learn-english.com
    Last edited by English-coach; 25-Jan-2009 at 12:53.

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Disneyland in China

    Quote Originally Posted by wlulu_66 View Post





    After opening its gate to visitors on 12th September 2005, the Hong KongDisneyland, Mickey’s newest theme park, soon became a popular destination for people seeking a day of fun. HK Disneyland is the second Disney theme park in Asia and the first one in China.
    Don't use "said to be" unless you are not sure that what was stated is correct.

    Say "potential" (not "potentialities").

    Be sure to space after end marks (periods, question marks, exclamation marks).


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