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  1. #1
    catherine-mu is offline Newbie
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    could you help me editting my wrting?

    I am new here. I have recently written an article about the earthquke happened in my country. Actually it is a homework required by my teacher. To be frank, I wrote it very carefully;while it turned to be a poor job. I am too shy to ask my teacher to show me the mistakes. Could you be give me a hand? The following is the origine version:

    The Efforts We Can Reach
    Nothing more powerful affects the whole Chinese these days but the unexpected earthquake in Sichuan. At 2:28 p.m. May 12th, 2008, a major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale jolted Wenchuan County. Till now, the death toll has risen to 62,664; 358,816 injured and still another 23,775 people are missing. Houses, industries, markets, schools and etc. a large number of buildings were concussed to the ground, resulting instantaneously hundreds of thousands of people homeless. Besides, the homes of giant pandas there (the Wolong Nature Reserve) were also destroyed, and the bears were left in dire need of their favorite food, bamboo. Because of the earthquake, two pandas injured and six pandas missing -- four of them returned and workers are still looking for the other two. In that, it was another destructive disaster following the Tangshan earthquake, or precisely, it’s more severe this time.
    However, love accomplishes all things. That’s what our Chinese prove in the rescue efforts. After the whole thing was reported, a flourish of sympathy and donation raised immediately——donating money, blood and kinds of commodities. All classes of the society ranging from the President Hu Jintao and Premier Wen Jiabao to the students and the pupils stand out and do their best to assisting the earthquake victims ——as volunteers, as donators, and affectingly as anonyms.
    With that, I cannot help thinking over what exactly we, these undergraduates, can do. Of course not was the paradise around the dormitories and the whole school without concerning its chaos and ill influence to others, and most of all, it doesn’t contribute anything at all for those people in the disasters. As for us, those disaster areas are too far to be volunteers on the spot, for we still have much to do on our studying. Nevertheless, we, even sitting on the classroom, can make something——
    When we sitting in the classroom with all the classmates together, talking about the dreadful earthquake, we may realize that how lucky we are, for we are still alive, and we are still together no matter how misfortune we might feel a second ago. At the same time, we may also get an unquenchable sorry inwardly, for the victims are just our fellow men. Praying for them.
    When we are before the screens, looking at those sight-shocking pictures one by one, at those heart-quaking reports piece by piece, and at those tear-flooding scenes act by act, we may tense up or cool it ever and agah, for we are wholly concerned the latest situation of the rescue efforts. Praying for them.
    When we walk in the college or in the street, passing through the contribution box, we may stay for a while, and donate some in our power. If possible, we’d better donate money rather than kinds of articles for the convenience. And no need to comparing of course. Love without amount, and love without bound.
    When we are reflecting on this disaster, on its causes, on its process and its results, we may be clearer of what we can exactly do. Study ever more hard, and contribute more for the society. Though the earthquake is inevitable, it is also undeniable that some controllable factors do results in such tremendous loss—— no information of forecast, and those disillusionary poor project. If we, the young generation, work harder and are of one mind toward the society construction, the society would be more harmonious and in better order. At least, once such mischance happened again, the results could be reduced to the less. Nothing is impossible for a willing heart.
    Just as the saying goes, “Blood is thicker than water.” People in Sichuan are our relatives as well as those living around us. In this disaster, almost every one is eager to do something sensible and helpful. It is more blessed to give than to receive, just as we have known. Then a second thing: cherish the lives. Nothing is more important. As long as there is life, there is hope; and without, nothing.

  2. #2
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
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    Exclamation Re: could you help me editting my wrting?

    Hi catherine-mu! Your writing is fine. I have only made a few corrections in bold letters and suggested a few alternaive words(bold) in brackets. It is upto you to accept. Other words in brackets are to be simply deleted.

    The Efforts We Can Reach/(Our solemn efforts can heal the wounds)

    Nothing more powerful has affected the whole China these days than the unexpected earthquake in Sichuan. At 2:28 p.m. May 12th, 2008, a major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale jolted Wenchuan County. Till now, the death toll has risen to 62,664 and 358,816 injured with still another 23,775 people missing. Houses, industries, markets, schools and etc. a large number of buildings were (leveled) concussed to the ground, instantaneously resulting in hundreds of thousands of people homeless. Besides, the homes of giant pandas there at the Wolong Nature Reserve were also destroyed, and the bears were left in dire need of their favorite food, bamboo. Because of the earthquake, two pandas were injured and six pandas missing – till now four of them have returned and workers are still looking for the other two. In that/(fact), it was another destructive disaster following the Tangshan earthquake, or precisely, it’s even more severe that.
    However, love accomplishes all living beings. That’s what our Chinese proved during the rescue efforts/(operations). After the whole thing was reported, bountiful of sympathies poured in and donations raised immediately in the shape of money, blood and various kinds of commodities. All classes of the society ranging from the President Hu Jintao and Premier Wen Jiabao to the students and the pupils stand out and do their best in assisting the earthquake victims as volunteers, donators, and anonyms benefactors.
    With that, I cannot help thinking over what exactly we, the undergraduates, can do. Of course, it was not the paradise around the dormitories and the whole school without (concerning its chaos ) showing any concern and ill influence on others (and most of all, it doesn’t) did not contribute anything at all for those people in distress. As for us, the disaster areas are too far to reach and be volunteers on the spot, for we still have much to do on our studying. Nevertheless, even sitting on the classroom, we can make/(do) something.
    When we are sitting in the classroom with all the classmates together, talking about the dreadful earthquake, we may realize, how lucky we are, for we are still alive, and we are still together no matter what misfortune/(misery) we might have felt a second ago. At the same time, we may also get/(feel) an unquenchable sorrow/(sympathy) inwardly and pray for the victims who are just our fellow men.
    When we are before the screens, looking at those sight-shocking pictures one by one, at those heart-quaking/(heart-breaking) reports piece by piece, and at those tear-flooding scenes act by act, we may tense up or cool it ever and go aghast, for we are wholly concerned with the latest situation of the rescue efforts.
    When we walk in the college or in the street, passing through the contribution box, we may stay for a while, and donate something within our reach (in our power). If possible, we’d better donate money rather than in kinds (of articles) for the shake of convenience. There is no need for comparison of course because love is without amount and bound.
    When we are reflecting/(imagining) on this disaster, on its causes, on its process and its results/(repurcations), we may be more clear of what we can exactly do. Ever study more hard, and contribute more for the society. Though the earthquake is inevitable, it is also undeniable that some uncontrollable factors do result in such tremendous loss—— no information of forecast, and the disillusion poor project. If we, the young generation, work hard and are of one mind toward the society construction/(building), then the society would be more harmonious and better than before. At least, once such misfortune (chance happened again) reoccurs, the results could be reduced to the minimum. Where there is a willing heart nothing is impossible.
    Just as the saying goes, “Blood is thicker than water.” People in Sichuan are our relatives as well as those living around us. In this disaster, almost every one is eager to do something sensible and helpful. We also know, blessed are those who volunteered to give rather than receive. The second thing is: cherish live for nothing is more important than that. As long as there is life, there is hope; and without it, there is nothing.

  3. #3
    tedtmc is offline Key Member
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    Re: could you help me editting my wrting?

    I would like to add some comments (highlighted in blue).

    The Efforts We Can Reach/(Our solemn efforts can heal the wounds)

    Nothing more powerful has affected the whole(of) China these days(delete) than the unexpected earthquake in Sichuan. At 2:28 p.m. May 12th, 2008, a major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale jolted Wenchuan County. Till now, the death toll has risen to 62,664 and 358,816 injured with still another 23,775 people missing. Houses, industries, markets, schools and etc. a large number of buildings were (leveled) concussed to the ground, instantaneously resulting in hundreds of thousands of people(made) homeless. Besides, the homes of giant pandas there(delete) at the Wolong Nature Reserve were also destroyed, and the bears were left in dire need of their favorite food, bamboo. Because of the earthquake, two pandas were injured and six pandas missing – till now four of them have returned and workers are still looking for the other two. In that/(fact), it was another destructive disaster following the Tangshan earthquake, or precisely, it’s even more severe (than)that.
    However, love accomplishes(unites?) all living beings. That’s what our Chinese proved during the rescue efforts/(operations). After the whole thing was reported, bountiful of sympathies poured in and donations raised immediately in the shape(form) of money, blood and various kinds of commodities. All classes of the society ranging from the(delete) President Hu Jintao and Premier Wen Jiabao to the students and the pupils stand out and do their best in assisting the earthquake victims as volunteers, donators, and anonyms(anonymous) benefactors.
    With that, I cannot help thinking over what exactly we, the undergraduates, can do. Of course, it was not the paradise around the dormitories and the whole school without (concerning its chaos ) showing any concern and ill influence on others (and most of all, it doesn’t) did not contribute anything at all for(to) those people in distress. As for us, the disaster areas are too far to reach and be volunteers on the spot, for we still have much to do on our studying(we are busy with our studies). Nevertheless, even sitting on the classroom, we can make/(do) something.
    When we are sitting in the classroom with all the classmates together, talking about the dreadful earthquake, we may(come to) realize how lucky we are, for we are still alive, and we are still together no matter what misfortune/(misery) we might have felt a second ago. At the same time, we may also get/(feel) an unquenchable sorrow/(a deep sympathy) inwardly and pray for the victims who are just our fellow men(citizens).
    When we are before the screens,(While we watch television) looking at those sight-shocking pictures one by one, at those heart-quaking/(heart-breaking) reports piece by piece(one after another), and at those tear-flooding scenes act by act, we may tense up or cool it ever and go aghast, for we are wholly concerned with(very anxious to keep up with) the latest situation of the rescue efforts.
    When we walk in the college or in the street, passing through(by) the contribution box, we may stay for a while, and donate something within our reach (in our power)(within our means). If possible, we’d better donate money rather than in kinds (of articles) for the shake(sake) of convenience. There is no need for comparison of course because love is without amount and bound (it is the love and the thought that counts and not the amount)
    When we are reflecting/(imagining)(reflect) on this disaster, on its causes, on its process(its progress) and its results/(repurcations)(repercussions?), we may be more clear of what we can exactly do. Ever study more hard(Work harder), and contribute more for(to) the society. Though the earthquake is inevitable, it is also undeniable that some uncontrollable factors do result in such tremendous loss—— no information of forecast(no warning), and the disillusion poor project(?). If we, the young generation, work hard and are of one mind toward the society construction/(building), then the society would be more harmonious and better than before. At least, once such misfortune (chance happened again) reoccurs, the results(consequences) could be reduced to the minimum(minimized). Where there is a willing heart nothing is impossible.

    Just as the saying goes, “Blood is thicker than water.” People in Sichuan are our relatives as well as those living around us. In this disaster, almost every one is eager to do something sensible and helpful. We also know, blessed are those who volunteered to give rather than receive. The second thing is: cherish live(life) for nothing is more important(precious) than that. As long as there is life, there is hope; and(but) without it, there is nothing.

  4. #4
    catherine-mu is offline Newbie
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    Re: could you help me editting my wrting?

    Hi!Tedtmc and Manas Ranjan Mallicand. I am so glad to see your revised versions of my essay. Thank you so mch for your help.I have read them carefully----they are much better than my original one. I got a lot from them, and I think I have to practise more.Thank you again for your suggestions.
    Last edited by catherine-mu; 27-Jun-2008 at 02:40.

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