Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Please comment

  1. #1
    Fame's Avatar
    Fame is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Hong Kong
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    218
    Post Thanks / Like

    Please comment

    Can someone pls help me with this? I have rewritten this para. but how would you explain the changes I have made?

    Once upon a time, there was a small village near the sea. Many fishermen live there. They only had fish to eat from sea. There was one very poor fisherman. His name was Tom. He have a wife and two kids but he did not have enough money to buy the things for fishing. He was very sad.

    REWRITTEN:
    Once upon a time, there was a small village near the sea. Hundreds of fishermen lived there. All they lived on was the fish from the sea. There was one very poor fisherman. His name was Tom. He had a wife and two kids but he did not have enough money to buy the things he needed to go fishing. That is why life was very difficult for him.

  2. #2
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Oriya
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    2,129
    Post Thanks / Like

    Exclamation Re: Please comment

    Quote Originally Posted by Fame View Post
    Can someone pls help me with this? I have rewritten this para. but how would you explain the changes I have made?

    Once upon a time, there was a small village near the sea. Many fishermen live there. They only had fish to eat from sea. There was one very poor fisherman. His name was Tom. He have a wife and two kids but he did not have enough money to buy the things for fishing. He was very sad.

    REWRITTEN:
    Once upon a time, there was a small village near the sea. Hundreds of fishermen lived there. They all were depended on the fish from the sea for their living. There was a very poor fisherman. His name was Tom. He had a wife and two kids but he did not have enough money to buy the things needed for fishing. That is why life was very difficult for him.
    The changes with few more in red made the paragraph mor meaningful.

  3. #3
    bhaisahab's Avatar
    bhaisahab is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Retired English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    22,840
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Please comment

    were dependant

  4. #4
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Oriya
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • India
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    2,129
    Post Thanks / Like

    Exclamation Re: Please comment

    Thank you bhaisahab for the useful correction. Thr rewritten paragraph is now:
    REWRITTEN:
    Once upon a time, there was a small village near the sea. Hundreds of fishermen lived there. They all were dependant on the fish from the sea for their living. There was a very poor fisherman. His name was Tom. He had a wife and two kids but he did not have enough money to buy the things needed for fishing. That is why life was very difficult for him.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    5,425
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Please comment

    Once upon a time : when you begin a story with these words, a native speaker will regard what follows as a fairy tale (=a children's story about magical and imaginary beings and lands.
    • [as adj. ] denoting something regarded as resembling a fairy story in being magical, idealized, or extremely happy : a fairy-tale romance.) As such, we are not meant to regard this as in any way true, or take it seriously. Is that what you intend for your story?
    Perhaps, instead:
    Not so very long ago,...
    there was a small village near the sea. Many fishermen live there./hundreds of fishermen lived there

    If hundreds of fishermen lived there, and their wives, and their children, and possibly their retired grandparents, and the shopkeeper and his wife and the postman.....hang on, how 'small' is this village? - it sounds more like a busy town than a sleepy fishing village.
    So - stick to your original with one little change:

    ...,there was a small village near the sea. Mainly fishermen lived there; and all they lived on was fish from the sea.
    You have to decide here: do you mean all they ate was fish, or that they depended on catching and selling fish so that they had money to buy food etc with. Your story says the first. Manas Ranjan Mallick's change sounds more plausable. Just how many years can you live on fish stew alone without walking into the sea yourself! (=that is, kill yourself because you just can't take one more fish meal!)

    There was one very poor fisherman. His name was Tom. He had a wife and two young children : try to avoid 'kids' in writing. It is a very colloquial term and stands out/seems out of place in the style of your writing.

    but he did not have enough money to buy the things he needed for fishing. That is why life was very difficult for him.
    Last edited by David L.; 23-Jun-2008 at 09:36.

  6. #6
    Fame's Avatar
    Fame is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Hong Kong
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    218
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Please comment

    Thanks a lot for your explanations, David. It's more clear now. But I'm having problems with the las to paragraphs of this story. Please explain.

    When they got there, they found a flame torch and Tom lit it with a match stick and the friends continued their quest. Suddenly, Tom saw something shining brightly. He went close to it and found that it was salt! The sun light hit the salt to make it shine in the darkness. “We could be rich with this salt!” shouted Tom. They quickly ran back outside and got some shovels and wheelbarrows. They got most of the salt and sold it to everyone in the village and everyone started to put it in their food because it made the food a bit yummy. It was the first seasoning in the whole village.

    But one day, the people of the village stopped buying salt because it was so salty and so expensive. “All we have here is salt and everyone does not buy it anymore,” sighed Tom and his friends. They dumped the salt in the sea for nothing. Then the salt spread across the sea and around the world. Therefore, this is why the sea is so salty nowadays.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    5,425
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Please comment

    When they got there: try to avoid using 'got' when it is substituting for a word that really describes the action. So -

    When they arrived/when they reached the cave



    they found a flame torch : yes - the problem here is that in the UK 'torch' also means 'flashlight', so you are trying to make it clear this is the traditional kind of torch. I think you are going to have to explain this, particularly as the reader wonders, how did a ready-made torch come to be there? If other people have been there, why (later on in the story) didn't they find the salt? This is what happens when you become a writer : people see holes in the plot! How can you explain the torch??


    and Tom lit it with a match.

    and the friends continued their quest. : You need to break the sentence after 'with a match'. So, you will need something to put before this clause e.g. Now that they could see their way, the friends continued...


    Suddenly, Tom saw something shining brightly. He went closer to it and found that it was salt! The sunlight hit the salt and made it shine in the darkness.
    I'm lost. They light a torch because it is dark. The salt 'shines in the darkness', not because the torch shines on it, but because there is sunlight! If there is sunlight, how come it's so dark?

    “We could be rich with this salt!” shouted Tom. They quickly ran back outside and got some shovels and wheelbarrows.
    I'm lost. Are these just lying around outside (wherever they are?) Or do you mean, they ran back home to fetch them?

    They got : They collected...

    most of the salt and sold it to everyone in the village : Why did they buy it? They didn't know what it was.
    Perhaps it would be better to say:
    ..most of the salt and sold some in the village. Soon, everyone started to put it in their food because it made the food so tasty. It was the first seasoning ever used in the whole village.

    But one day, the people of the village stopped buying salt because it was so salty and so expensive.
    'so salty' . Yes. Salt is salt. Water is wet. Are you sure this is what you mean? Otherwise, just '...because it was so expensive."

    “All we have (here-omit) is salt and no one buys it anymore,” sighed Tom and his friends. They dumped the salt in the sea (for nothing-omit). The salt spread through the sea and around the world. And so, that is why the sea is so salty now.
    Last edited by David L.; 24-Jun-2008 at 08:02.

Similar Threads

  1. please comment my resume
    By bt_fans in forum CVs, Resumes and Applications
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 17-Mar-2008, 20:47
  2. comment
    By blouen in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 07-Dec-2007, 04:19
  3. Comment on my daughter's article
    By angliholic in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 19-Feb-2007, 12:26
  4. Comment on Technician
    By ben9108 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 17-Sep-2006, 08:23
  5. i need help on a potted critical comment!!
    By Anonymous in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 09-Jan-2004, 19:43

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •