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Thread: My Baby Sister

  1. #1
    Mister Nutty is offline Member
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    Default My Baby Sister

    Hi there,

    Does anything break in or sound odd in the text below?

    I had always felt a gaping hole, but now it was going to be filled. My mom had told me I was going to have a sister. I was very excited that in the very next few days I was going to have someone to keep me company. On Sunday morning, July 5, 2008, my mom was taken to hospital. I also went with her. We first took a number coupon from the reception office and waited in the lobby until the number was called out. My mom went inside a room. I too wanted to go in, but was told to remain outside. So my dad and I stayed outside the room. Soon my cousin Spencer and his mother also arrived there. Since there were as such no joy rides there, so Spencer and I invented an unusual ride. We started playing in the elevator, going up and down. But unfortunately, soon the elevator officer came and saw us playing. He took us to my dad and complained to him about our mischief. My dad scolded us both and told us to sit quietly. After a little while, a lady doctor came out of the room my mom went in. Passing a smile, she said, "Congratulation, you have had baby girl!" I went berserk with happiness. We all went inside, and for the first time I saw my little angel sleeping in a crib. She looked so very sweet. My mom named her Julie. My dad instantly went outside to buy some juices and food items for my mom. My dad drove me and my granny home, and he himself stayed in the hospital all night. The following day my mom and my sweet little angel too got home. Iam very grateful to God that he gave me such a beautiful fairy like sister and made her come to this world in my vacation so that I can serenely play with her without having the worry to go to school next day. My vacation has been going very well with her. All day I have fun and play with her. It's truly amazing to have a sister, chat with her (although she cannot understand), and take care of her.

  2. #2
    ohmyrichard is offline Member
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    Default re: My Baby Sister

    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Nutty View Post
    Hi there,

    Does anything break in or sound odd in the text below?

    I had always felt a gaping hole, but now it was going to be filled. My mom had told me I was going to have a sister. I was very excited that in the very next few days I was going to have someone to keep me company. On Sunday morning, July 5, 2008, my mom was taken to hospital. I also went with her. We first took a number coupon from the reception office and waited in the lobby until the number was called out. My mom went inside a room. I too wanted to go in, but was told to remain outside. So my dad and I stayed outside the room. Soon my cousin Spencer and his mother also arrived there. Since there were as such no joy rides there, so Spencer and I invented an unusual ride. We started playing in the elevator, going up and down. But unfortunately, soon the elevator officer came and saw us playing. He took us to my dad and complained to him about our mischief. My dad scolded us both and told us to sit quietly. After a little while, a lady doctor came out of the room my mom went in. Passing a smile, she said, "Congratulation, you have had baby girl!" I went berserk with happiness. We all went inside, and for the first time I saw my little angel sleeping in a crib. She looked so very sweet. My mom named her Julie. My dad instantly went outside to buy some juices and food items for my mom. My dad drove me and my granny home, and he himself stayed in the hospital all night. The following day my mom and my sweet little angel too got home. Iam very grateful to God that he gave me such a beautiful fairy like sister and made her come to this world in my vacation so that I can serenely play with her without having the worry to go to school next day. My vacation has been going very well with her. All day I have fun and play with her. It's truly amazing to have a sister, chat with her (although she cannot understand), and take care of her.
    I find the passage is well written. And I like it very much. It is so touching.

  3. #3
    Mister Nutty is offline Member
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    Default re: My Baby Sister

    Will someone please proofread the passage?

  4. #4
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default re: My Baby Sister

    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Nutty View Post
    Hi there,

    Does anything break in or sound odd in the text below?

    I had always felt a gaping hole, but now it was going to be filled. My mom had told me I was going to have a sister. I was very excited that in the very next few days I was going to have someone to keep me company. On Sunday morning, July 5, 2008, my mom was taken to hospital. I also went with her. We first took a number coupon from the reception office and waited in the lobby until the number was called out. My mom went inside a room. I too wanted to go in, but was told to remain outside. So my dad and I stayed outside the room.

    Soon my cousin Spencer and his mother also arrived. Since there were as such no joy rides there, Spencer and I invented an unusual ride. We started playing in the elevator, going up and down. But unfortunately, soon the elevator officer came and saw us playing. He took us to my dad and complained to him. My dad scolded us both and told us to sit quietly. After a little while, a lady doctor came out of the room my mom went in. With a big smile, she said, "Congratulations, you have had [your wife has had/you have a] baby girl!"

    I went berserk with happiness. We all went inside, and for the first time I saw my little angel sleeping in a crib. She looked so very sweet. My mom named her Julie. My dad instantly went outside to buy some juices and food items for my mom. My dad drove me and my granny home, and he himself stayed in the hospital all night. The following day my mom and my sweet little angel too got came home. I am very grateful to God that he gave me such a beautiful fairy-like sister and made had her come to this world in my vacation so that I can play with her without having the worry to go to about going to school next day. My vacation has been going very well with her. All day I have fun and play with her. It's truly amazing to have a sister, chat with her (although she cannot understand), and take care of her.

    .


    It is best to try and paragraph your writing.

  5. #5
    Mister Nutty is offline Member
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    Default re: My Baby Sister

    Quote Originally Posted by Anglika View Post
    .


    It is best to try and paragraph your writing.
    Thanks very much for your corretions, Anglika.

  6. #6
    Mister Nutty is offline Member
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    Default re: My Baby Sister

    Sorry, I made a mistake. Can I say "...I am very grateful to God that he gave me such a beautiful fairy-like sister and had her come to this world just when my summer vacation was going to start so that I can play with her without having the worry about going to school next day..."?

  7. #7
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default re: My Baby Sister

    Yes. What do you see as the problem with the sentence?

  8. #8
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default re: My Baby Sister

    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Nutty View Post

    Does anything seem odd in the text below?


    Quote Originally Posted by Mister Nutty View Post
    I had always felt a gaping hole in my life, but now that hole was going to be filled. I was very excited when my mom had told me I was going to have a sister. Within the very next few days I was going to have someone to keep me company.


    Delete all the "also"s and "too"s and then put them back where they are needed.


  9. #9
    Mister Nutty is offline Member
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    Default re: My Baby Sister

    Quote Originally Posted by Anglika View Post
    Yes. What do you see as the problem with the sentence?
    The vacation didn't start when she was born.

    "I am very grateful to God that he gave me such a beautiful fairy-like sister and had her come to this world just when my summer vacation was going to start so that I can play with her without having the worry about going to school next day..."

  10. #10
    Mister Nutty is offline Member
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    Default re: My Baby Sister

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee View Post
    [/b][/color][/font]



    Delete all the "also"s and "too"s and then put them back where they are needed.

    Do you mean ALL the "also"s and "too"s are unnecessary?

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