Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Hello Natives

  1. #1
    Mister Nutty is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Pakistan
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    194
    Post Thanks / Like

    Hello Natives

    Hi, how are you? Could you please check the following passage for any mistakes? Thank you.


    ABC Mall

    This beautiful mall is just five minutes off my house. It's situated in the hub of North Nazimabad. I went there with my dad to buy some winter stuff. To our surprise, there were not many people there; maybe because we had gone on a working day.

    The moment we stepped in the huge mall we were greeted by a blast of cool air and the blare of music from a shop nearby. The ground floor was bright and lively. There were many good names, like Amir Adnan (that was right on the front), Levi's, Sputnik, EBH, Dockers, etc. I could also see a cute little ice cream parlor that was opposite us. After sorting through the ground floor, we moved to the other floors that were also occupied with brands. I bought two cool tees and a pair of jeans from the Signature outlet, while my day just a formal shirt from the newly introduced brand 'Blue'.

    I really had a blast a there, and I bet it will soon be one the best choice of all shopping freaks, God willing!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    5,425
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Hello Natives

    ABC Mall

    This beautiful mall is just five minutes away from my house. It's situated in the hub of North Nazimabad. I went there with my dad to buy some winter

    stuff. You are writing in a semi-formal style. NEVER EVER use this word in this way except in casual conversation; and then because it's a handy cover-all word per se, rather than betraying an inability to articulate connected thought:

    How was the party? What did you do?
    "Ah-er ... we drank beer and stuff."

    say, 'clothes for winter' or 'winter sporting equipment' or something more specific than 'stuff'.

    To our surprise, there were not many people there -

    maybe : there is a difference between 'may be', which is quite appropriate in semi- and formal writing; and 'maybe' which is rather a casual way of saying 'perhaps'. Your writing deserves the use of 'perhaps'!

    perhaps because we had gone on a working day.

    The moment we stepped into the huge mall, we were greeted by a blast of cool air and the
    blare of music from a shop nearby.

    The ground floor was bright and lively.

    There were many good names, like Amir Adnan (that was right on the front), Levi's, Sputnik, EBH, Dockers, etc. : There is a jump between the the previous sentence referring to the 'ground floor' and suddenly, 'good names'. You should perhaps bridge this with "The shops there carried many good names...
    Also, try to avoid the use of 'etc.' People know the 'good names' and so 'etc' makes them none the wiser as to which specific named brands were being sold. You have introduced the list with 'like', which means you are going to give a few examples, and then give four. That's quite sufficient. So:
    The shops there carried many good names, like Amir Adnan (that was right at the front), Levi's, Sputnik, EBH, and Dockers.

    Note the use of the comma after EBH. Compare: "...many kinds of fruit, like cherries, pears, plums, apples and oranges." This makes it quite clear that they are two separate brand names. Compare: EBH, Abercrombie and Finch.
    Abercrombie and Finch is a brand name. So "...EBH and Dockers." might be mistaken as referring to ONE brand name. Hence, the comma makes it clear they are separate names.

    I could also see a cute : even if it could in some way be described as 'cute', as in ' a girl with a cute little bow in her hair', the use of the word is still a little 'American female giggly teenager'. Why was it 'cute'? Was it 'colourful'?
    What was it about the decor that made it look 'cute'?
    little ice cream parlor that was opposite us.


    After browsing through the ground floor, we moved on/up to the other floors, with even more brand name shops.

    I bought two cool tees :'cool' is slang. I think you have to decide whether this is written as a semi-formal essay/review, or as a colloquial piece of writing as in a letter to a friend.

    and a pair of jeans from the Signature outlet,

    while my day : I don't know what you mean here. Is it, ...while my dad bought just..."


    just a formal shirt from the newly introduced brand, 'Blue'.

    I really had a blast : slang. What's it to be???

    there, and I bet : slangish


    it will soon be one the top choices for all shopping addicts,

    God willing!: Why? Do you have shares in the Mall? You are praying that God will ensure this becomes a top choice for shoppers. Does that warrant calling on the Almighty's assistance? I would stop after 'addicts' and omit "God willing". (If you mean, you had such a blast you hope this Mall thrives so you can continue to shop there, and so you hope it thrives - God willing! - you would need to rephrase those sentences.
    Last edited by David L.; 01-Aug-2008 at 12:29.

  3. #3
    Mister Nutty is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Pakistan
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    194
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Hello Natives

    Thank you so very much for such a beautiful analysis. It's very, very, very helpful. Thanks million times.


    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    I could also see a cute : even if it could in some way be described as 'cute', as in ' a girl with a cute little bow in her hair', the use of the word is still a little 'American female giggly teenager'. Why was it 'cute'? Was it 'colourful'?
    What was it about the decor that made it look 'cute'?
    little ice cream parlor that was opposite us.
    Okay Sir, what about 'a small colorful ice cream parlor'?

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    I bought two cool tees :'cool' is slang. I think you have to decide whether this is written as a semi-formal essay/review, or as a colloquial piece of writing as in a letter to a friend.
    Sorry, I just wanted to give the review a nice touch. My English is very rusty.

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    while my day
    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    : I don't know what you mean here. Is it, ...while my dad bought just..."
    Yes, it's dad. Sorry about the typo.

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    I really had a blast : slang. What's it to be???
    I mean I really liked the mall and enjoyed my visit there. Can you please tell me what should be the correct way to say this?

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    there, and I bet : slangish
    I just couldn't another good word or phrase for this. Could you please tell me what I should say instead?

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    If you mean, you had such a blast you hope this Mall thrives so you can continue to shop there, and so you hope it thrives - God willing! - you would need to rephrase those sentences.
    Sir, please tell me how I can rephrase those sentences.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    5,425
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Hello Natives

    I can understand that words like 'cool' and 'blast' and 'awesome' help you fit right in when chatting on the Internet, contributing to a blog, or writing to a friend. They can help you to feel that you are acquiring a real mastery of 'conversational English'.
    If you were writing a letter to a friend, instead of commenting on words like 'blast' and 'cool', I'd be commenting that perhaps a sentence like "The moment we stepped into the huge mall we were greeted by a blast of cool air.."
    is too 'stiff', too 'travelogue' type writing for a casual letter.

    So, save slang for friends and informal chatting; and when practicing the kind of English you will need for an exam (particularly an English entrance exam), or formal correspondence, don't stray and suddenly come out with a slang word. It's like dropping a four-letter word while you're giving a sermon.
    If I can totally exaggerate and give you a horror scenario:
    You have come for a job interview.
    Employer: And why have you decided to leave your present place of employ?
    You: It was cool for a while, but now it sucks.
    Employer: And what attracts you to this Company?
    You: I reckon it would be a blast to work here.

    1. 'colourful' is very good.

    2. "...while my dad bought just a formal shirt from the newly introduced brand 'Blue'.
    I really had a blast a there, and I bet it will soon be one the best choice of all shopping freaks, God willing!

    I know we really enjoyed the few hours we spent shopping there, so I can well imagine this will soon be one the top shopping destinations in the city.

    You might like to write a concluding sentence using some of your other ideas, along the lines: "I know we really enjoyed the few hours we spent shopping there, + you hope it thrives + and God willing, it deserves to + and this will mean you can look forward to more enjoyable afternoons shopping there.
    Last edited by David L.; 02-Aug-2008 at 11:00.

  5. #5
    IvanV is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    577
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Hello Natives

    Quote Originally Posted by David L. View Post
    It's like dropping a four-letter word while you're giving a sermon.
    That would really be a blast.
    If I can totally exaggerate and give you a horror scenario:
    You have come for a job interview.
    Employer: And why have you decided to leave your present place of employ?
    You: It was cool for a while, but now it sucks.
    Employer: And what attracts you to this Company?
    You: I reckon it would be a blast to work here.
    You might consider becoming a professional comedian.

  6. #6
    Mister Nutty is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Pakistan
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    194
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Hello Natives

    OMG, what a brilliant explanation! Thank you so much, David.

    What if I just say "I bought two tees..."? No adjective?

    There's one more adjective before 'colourful', small (i.e. a small colourful ice cream parlor). Is the collocation fine?

    I know we really enjoyed the few hours we spent shopping there, so I can well imagine this will soon be one the top shopping destinations in the city.

    Great! Do I need 'of' before 'the top...' (i.e. one of the top...) or is it fine as it stands?

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    5,425
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: Hello Natives

    In my mind, I'd formulated the phrase, "...one of the top shopping..." and even though I'd omitted the 'of' when I typed, on proofreading, my eye still 'saw' what it expected to see: "...one of the top...".
    I hope that typo didn't confuse you.

    If you are writing to a friend:
    I bought two cool tees and...

    For semi-formal writing, you could say:
    I bought two 'cool' T-shirts and..

    Here, you indicate to the reader that you know and understand the vernacular (that friends will view your new T-shirts as 'cool'). You can use the word in single quotes to indicate to the reader that you are fully aware you are using a colloquial expression. It is as if you are quoting what your friends will think about them.

    It is important not to mix slang with the main body of any semi-formal writing.

    There's one more adjective before 'colourful', small (i.e. a small colourful ice cream parlor). Is the collocation fine?


    Yes. However, I think I have led you to really water down what you were indicating with your original phrase of 'cute little ice-cream shop', and rendered it really prosaic and bland.
    What I was asking you to clarify for me, was what you saw that brought the word 'cute' to mind for your description.
    When I read 'cute little ice-cream shop', I pictured a small ice-cream parlor, decorated in pastel colours of pink and white, with those serving having white hats and stripped aprons, and the notice board showing what sundaes and other ice-cream concoctions they sell written in some old fashioned and serif script (=where letters have a slight projection finishing off a stroke), a kind of 'retro look', harking back to earlier last century.
    'small' and 'colourful' are not immediately suggestive of 'cute'. What made it seem 'cute' to you?
    Last edited by David L.; 05-Aug-2008 at 10:21.

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 7
    Last Post: 30-Jul-2008, 17:34
  2. Teaching natives vs. Teaching foreigners
    By I'm With Stupid in forum Teaching English
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 25-Oct-2007, 10:51
  3. natives and TOEFL
    By sardar in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 19-Jul-2006, 09:34
  4. Replies: 2
    Last Post: 11-Oct-2005, 04:43

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •