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  1. #1
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    Lightbulb Remembrance (poem) proofreading

    Hi can you pleas check out my remembrance poem please let me know if things donít make sens or you donít understand what I am trying to say. thank you very much.



    Remembrance

    I remember when we use to walk long the shore,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember staying up late in summer enjoying our ice cream and water melon,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember sitting in my balcony and that beautiful breeze we open our arms to and relax.
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the special kisses from everyone,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the biggest sleep over at her house and theirs,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the night walks,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the sun shinning with its pretty colour behind the house, and the birdís shrills early in the morning,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the long farm trips we use to have,
    I remember when my Tommy was about to explode form the apricots.
    Oh yeah I remember,
    I remember our Barbeques together, and sometimes the magpies and all their families would come for the leftovers without me inviting them.
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the race we use to do, and as usual I always won lozer.
    Oh yeah I remember.
    I remember feeding my cat tuna, milk and chocolate I wonder what she thought of it.
    Oh, yeah I remember,
    I remember my revolution at school
    Oh, yeah I remember,
    I remember when you entered my life and then left me with your repeated footprints in my memo.
    I remember having fun here and there.
    Oh, yes I remember
    I donít know if thatís all I can remember, why cant I fast backwards I say to myself?
    Its time to move on they say.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Remembrance (poem) proofreading

    Will anyone help me edit my poem orr not??!!!1

  3. #3
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Remembrance (poem) proofreading

    Quote Originally Posted by Roukaya View Post
    Hi can you pleas check out my remembrance poem please let me know if things donít make sens or you donít understand what I am trying to say. thank you very much.



    Remembrance

    I remember when we used to walk along the shore,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember staying up late in summer enjoying our ice cream and water melon,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember sitting on my balcony and that beautiful breeze we open our arms to and relax.
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the special kisses from everyone,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the biggest sleepover at her house and theirs,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the night walks,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the sun shining with its pretty colour behind the house, and the birds' shrills early in the morning,
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the long farm trips we use to have,
    I remember when my Tommy was about to explode from the apricots.
    Oh yeah I remember,
    I remember our barbeques together, and sometimes the magpies and all their families would come for the leftovers without me inviting them.
    Oh, yeah I remember.
    I remember the race we use to have, and as usual I always won loser.
    Oh yeah I remember.
    I remember feeding my cat tuna, milk and chocolate. I wonder what she thought of it.
    Oh, yeah I remember,
    I remember my revolution at school
    Oh, yeah I remember,
    I remember when you entered my life and then left me with your repeated footprints in my memory.(?)
    I remember having fun here and there.
    Oh, yes I remember
    I donít know if thatís all I can remember, why can't I fast backwards I say to myself?
    It's time to move on they say.
    Corrections in bold.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Remembrance (poem) proofreading

    Hello does it make sens.??why did you put a ? mark at the end of memory.

  5. #5
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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      • Home Country:
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    Default Re: Remembrance (poem) proofreading

    Quote Originally Posted by Roukaya View Post
    Hello does it make sens.??why did you put a ? mark at the end of memory.
    Does it make sense? That's always difficult to answer with poetry, where the poet is free to play with grammar and meanings, etc.

    I put the question mark there because you wrote "in my memo". I changed it to "in my memory". The question mark means "Did you mean 'memory'?"

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Remembrance (poem) proofreading

    Thank you very much, as long as you understood my point of the poem.

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