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  1. #1
    Athena_zhao is offline Newbie
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    Default Thank you for your correction of my resume and cover letter


    If I want to apply a position of the Human Resource Department of the siemens company. I don't know whether my resume and cover letter is appropriate.
    please give me some professional guidance, thank you! :D

    cover letter

    Dear Sir

    With the application to the assistant position.

    I am the graduate of the Shanghai University, I am interested in applying for the assistant position in the Human Resource Department.

    Once I was an assistant of the manager of the Human Resource Department, so I have some experience on this position. At the same time the study in my university gave me some support to this position.

    I think I am a studious staff, I will try my best to finish my task. I am also good at the teamwork, so I feel I will be suitable to this position. On the other hand, I like your company very much indeed, it is an effective, innovated and harmonious company. If I can become your staff, I am sure I will be successful.

    I am looking forward to hearing from you.

    Yours faithfully

    Athena

    resume

    Yan Zhao

    Room 501, Deyuan Road NO.16,
    Nanxiang, Jiading, Shanghai, China, 201800
    HT:59000000 MT: 13800000000
    EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead

    Summary of Qualification

    Computer literate: Microsoft Office, Flash, Internet Search
    Native Chinese speaker fluent in English, passed CET 6
    Successful team leader
    Japanese beginner

    Relevant Course Work

    Organizational Behavior: Management, Motivation and Organization skills Commerce Communication: Communication skills
    Commerce English: English in a business environment

    Education

    Sydney Institute of Language and Commerce (SILC) Shanghai University Shanghai, China
    Diploma of Shanghai University in International trade July, 2003
    Bachelor Degree in International Economics and Trade July, 2005
    Received scholarships in 2001, 2002 and 2004

    Xinli College Shanghai, China
    Customs Courses commenced April, 2004

    Experience

    Huaxin Wire and Cable Limited Company Shanghai, China
    Secretary of the Human Resource Department from June to August, 2002
    Assisted the manager, dealt with the materials, typed the documents

    Tutor Taught a Japanese manager Chinese and English from February to august, 2003
    Taught a girl English from September to December, 2003
    Teaching a boy English, Chinese and Math since January, 2004
    Last edited by Athena_zhao; 13-Jan-2006 at 12:50.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Say:
    • I want to apply for the position of....

    Say:
    • I am a graduate of....


    :)

  3. #3
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Native Chinese speaker fluent in English, passed CET 6

    Native Chinese speaker, fluent in English, passed CET 6

  4. #4
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thank you for your correction of my resume and cover let

    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao

    If I want to apply a position of the Human Resource Department of the siemens company. I don't know whether my resume and cover letter is appropriate.
    please give me some professional guidance, thank you! :D

    It needs some revision.

    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    cover letter

    Dear Sir

    With the application to the assistant position.

    I am the graduate of the Shanghai University, I am interested in applying for the assistant position in the Human Resource Department.
    Delete the first line.

    Say:
    • I am a graduate of Shanghai University, and I am applying for the position of assistant....


    Be more specific. (There must be several assistant positions.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    Once I was an assistant of the manager of the Human Resource Department, so I have some experience on this position. At the same time the study in my university gave me some support to this position.
    Say:
    • At one time, I was an assistant to the manager of the Human Resource Department (Where?), so I have some experience at that job. Also, my studies at the university gave me some training for that job.


    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    I think I am a studious staff, I will try my best to finish my task. I am also good at the teamwork, so I feel I will be suitable to this position. On the other hand, I like your company very much indeed, it is an effective, innovated and harmonious company. If I can become your staff, I am sure I will be successful.
    Try:
    • I am a hard-working employee, and I do my best to finish my assigned tasks. I am good at working withj others, and I think I would be a good fit for your company. I want to work for an innovative, forward-looking comoany such as yours.


    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    I am looking forward to hearing from you.

    Yours faithfully

    Athena
    That is good.

    :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    resume

    Yanli Zhao

    Room 201, Deyuan Road NO.14,
    Nanxiang, Jiading, Shanghai, China, 201802
    HT:59126303 MT: 13818936686
    EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead

    Summary of Qualification

    Computer literate: Microsoft Office, Flash, Internet Search
    Native Chinese speaker fluent in English, passed CET 6
    Successful team leader
    Japanese beginner

    Relevant Course Work

    Organizational Behavior: Management, Motivation and Organization skills Commerce Communication: Communication skills
    Commerce English: English in a business environment
    Say:
    • Summary of Qualifications


    I suggest that you delete Japanese beginner.

    I suggest that you say Commercial English or Business English.

    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    Education

    Sydney Institute of Language and Commerce (SILC) Shanghai University Shanghai, China
    Diploma of Shanghai University in International trade July, 2003
    Bachelor Degree in International Economics and Trade July, 2005
    Received scholarships in 2001, 2002 and 2004

    Xinli College Shanghai, China
    Customs Courses commenced April, 2004

    Experience

    Huaxin Wire and Cable Limited Company Shanghai, China
    Secretary of the Human Resource Department from June to August, 2002
    Assisted the manager, dealt with the materials, typed the documents
    Say:
    • Received diploma from....

    SAy:
    • Received Bachelor's degree in International Economics and Trade from....



    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    Tutor Taught a Japanese manager Chinese and English from February to august, 2003
    Taught a girl English from September to December, 2003
    Teaching a boy English, Chinese and Math since January, 2004
    Delete Tutor in first line.

    :)

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Thank you for your correction of my resume and cover let

    Quote Originally Posted by RonBee
    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao

    If I want to apply a position of the Human Resource Department of the siemens company. I don't know whether my resume and cover letter is appropriate.
    please give me some professional guidance, thank you! :D

    It needs some revision.

    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    cover letter

    Dear Sir

    With the application to the assistant position.

    I am the graduate of the Shanghai University, I am interested in applying for the assistant position in the Human Resource Department.
    Delete the first line.

    Say:
    • I am a graduate of Shanghai University, and I am applying for the position of assistant....


    Be more specific. (There must be several assistant positions.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    Once I was an assistant of the manager of the Human Resource Department, so I have some experience on this position. At the same time the study in my university gave me some support to this position.
    Say:
    • At one time, I was an assistant to the manager of the Human Resource Department (Where?), so I have some experience at that job. Also, my studies at the university gave me some training for that job.


    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    I think I am a studious staff, I will try my best to finish my task. I am also good at the teamwork, so I feel I will be suitable to this position. On the other hand, I like your company very much indeed, it is an effective, innovated and harmonious company. If I can become your staff, I am sure I will be successful.
    Try:
    • I am a hard-working employee, and I do my best to finish my assigned tasks. I am good at working withj others, and I think I would be a good fit for your company. I want to work for an innovative, forward-looking comoany such as yours.


    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    I am looking forward to hearing from you.

    Yours faithfully

    Athena
    That is good.

    :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    resume

    Yanli Zhao

    Room 201, Deyuan Road NO.14,
    Nanxiang, Jiading, Shanghai, China, 201802
    HT:59126303 MT: 13818936686
    EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead

    Summary of Qualification

    Computer literate: Microsoft Office, Flash, Internet Search
    Native Chinese speaker fluent in English, passed CET 6
    Successful team leader
    Japanese beginner

    Relevant Course Work

    Organizational Behavior: Management, Motivation and Organization skills Commerce Communication: Communication skills
    Commerce English: English in a business environment
    Say:
    • Summary of Qualifications


    I suggest that you delete Japanese beginner.

    I suggest that you say Commercial English or Business English.

    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    Education

    Sydney Institute of Language and Commerce (SILC) Shanghai University Shanghai, China
    Diploma of Shanghai University in International trade July, 2003
    Bachelor Degree in International Economics and Trade July, 2005
    Received scholarships in 2001, 2002 and 2004

    Xinli College Shanghai, China
    Customs Courses commenced April, 2004

    Experience

    Huaxin Wire and Cable Limited Company Shanghai, China
    Secretary of the Human Resource Department from June to August, 2002
    Assisted the manager, dealt with the materials, typed the documents
    Say:
    • Received diploma from....

    SAy:
    • Received Bachelor's degree in International Economics and Trade from....



    Quote Originally Posted by Athena_zhao
    Tutor Taught a Japanese manager Chinese and English from February to august, 2003
    Taught a girl English from September to December, 2003
    Teaching a boy English, Chinese and Math since January, 2004
    Delete Tutor in first line.

    :)
    Athena - would you please post a resume with the changes suggested so far. Thank you.

  6. #6
    Athena_zhao is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Thank you for your correction of my resume and cover let


    In China, our cover letter is very long, we will say many things about our qualification, experience, reason about the application, and so on.
    But the Foreign cover letter is short, is that OK? Should I say more things?

    cover letter

    Dear Sir

    I am a graduate of the Shanghai University, I am applying for the position of assistant in the Human Resource Department.

    At one time, I was an assistant to the manager of the Human Resource Department of Huaxin Wire and Cable Limited Company, so I have some experience at that job. Also, my studies at the university gave me some training for that job.

    I am a hard-working employee, and I do my best to finish my assigned tasks. I am good at working with others, and I think I would be a good fit for your company. I want to work for an innovative, forward-looking company such as yours.

    I am looking forward to hearing from you.

    Yours faithfully

    Athena

    now there are so many resume and cover letter, how can I do a special resume and letter to catch the manager's eyes? I feel it is difficult.

  7. #7
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    A cover letter should be short- we like letters short in English.

  8. #8
    Athena_zhao is offline Newbie
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    I see :D
    thank you for your help.

  9. #9
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Thank you for your correction of my resume and cover letter

    Yours faithfully

    Athena


    Use first and last name.

  10. #10
    Athena_zhao is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Thank you for your correction of my resume and cover letter

    Chinese Pinyin

    Yanli Zhao

    or

    English name

    Athena Zhao

    thank you!

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