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  1. #1
    autismangel is offline Newbie
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    Sep 2008
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    Default Please look this over for me.

    I have been searching for a forum just like this one. I am starting back to school after aprox 14 years. I am not good at writing, and need some help.

    I have to write a Narrative paragraph. Any advice would be great. I am up for all kinds of critisism and advice. Thanks ahead of time for the help. Heres my paragraph.

    Narrative paragraph
    Last year I had a life changing surgery. In March, 2008 I began to research Weight Loss surgery. By April I decided on having Gastric Bypass. I decided to tell my family and friends my decision to have surgery. Although worried, they were very supportive. To start the process I had to begin my pre-operative paperwork to submit to my insurance, for approval. Then I had to wait patiently, for my approval letter to come, after it arrived I had to do Pre-Operative requirements. This consisted of both mental and physical exams. After these things were completed, I received a surgery date of October, 30, 2007. It is now almost one year later, I am one hundred sixty pounds lighter and a lot healthier.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
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    Default re: Please look this over for me.

    I know a lot of Americans are allergic to hyphens, but "life-changing surgery" really needs one. Check the Chicago Manual of Style if you don't believe me.

    And what is the purpose of all those capitals? Capitals are for the first word of a sentence, the pronoun "I" and proper nouns. There is no justification for capitalizing "Weight Loss" (which really should be hyphenated too, because it modifies "surgery") or "Pre-Operative".

    The comma before "for approval" should not be there. The comma before "for my approval to come" is also dead wrong. The next comma, before "after it arrived", is even worse! You have come to the end of the sentence at this point, and should mark it with a period. (See below.)

    While I am here, you don't "do" requirements: you (for example) "fulfil" them. (I know you spell that word differently over there, but that is not the point.)

    Oh, your last "sentence" is actually two sentences joined together by a comma (called a "comma splice"). This is never acceptable. There are three solutions:

    (1) Insert the word "and" after the comma.
    (2) Change the comma to a period and start a new sentence.
    (3) Change the comma to a semicolon.

    Apart from that it's fine.

    Cheers,
    Richard

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