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Thread: Help.


    • Join Date: Sep 2008
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    #1

    Exclamation Help.

    I am one of those people who is generally good at english so when I write an essay it is difficult for me to revise it and write a final draft. I need someone to review my paper and give me feedback... anything! I don't care if you tell me you hate it, I need something to go off of. It is due on Wednesday morning.

    Here:


    My Old and New Home
    About a month and a half ago I moved up to Duluth from a small town a little over two hours away, Big Lake. I moved to go to college and get decently away from my home town. I was starting a new chapter in my life and I figured the best way to do that would be to start fresh, a blank canvas. It was an extremely scary and stressful situation as I had never been more than ten miles away from my parents and sister. I don’t enjoy change all that much and I realized I would get very homesick during the first few weeks but I knew I would be able to work through it. My boyfriend and I moved in August first and started our new life. After the first week I came to realize, Big Lake and Duluth are much alike in many ways.
    There are many definitions of home and I have always thought that Big Lake would always remain the place I called home. My family lives there in the home that I grew up in and spent my holidays at. All of my friends that I grew up with still live there. There are so many places that I would go to at least once a week and just hang out or meet up with people. Many of my childhood memories and life experiences were created in the small city of Big Lake. I found myself calling the city of Duluth home after only a week. My new found family consists of my boyfriend, our bird, and I. We spend our days working, attending school, and even having nightly dinner just like back at “home”. I have found that the board walk and walking the trails provides some of the most beautiful hang out spots. I know that I have already made so many memories up here and this is truly a wonderful life experience.
    Big Lake is known for just that, its big lake. It is a town for swimming in the summer time and ice fishing in the winter. You’ll find most people in or around the lake at all times of the year. Sitting by the lake on a warm summer night watching the moon shine down on the water was one of the most relaxing things in the world. It is amazing how one “big” lake in a town can bring so many people together. It is somewhat ironic that I moved from a town called Big Lake to the city of Duluth with the largest lake in the country. The day after I moved I decided I would walk the ten blocks down to the boardwalk to look at the lake and I have been hooked ever since. Anytime, day or night, if I am stressed I can walk down to the water’s edge and instantly feel rejuvenated. I would imagine that most people feel the same way considering people come from all over just to see this lake and walk out onto the pier. While Big Lake was the attraction of the town’s people, Lake Superior is definitely the attraction of many tourists.
    In the small town of Big Lake I went through school seeing people judge each other and criticize one another. In my opinion people were very judgmental and mean. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was in a small town but every time a new student came into school they were eyed up and down by each and every person and within a week thrown into a category, a clique. Being that Big Lake wasn’t too far from the cities you’d assume that race was never an issue any of us had but the year the town started growing and becoming more diverse people acted as though it was the 1950s, shocked at the “colored” people. I thought Duluth would be different, more diverse, and open minded. I have come to realize that all people are ignorant in their own way, big city or not. I see the way people look at each other whether it is passing one another in the halls, on the streets, or driving in their cars. In Duluth there are all kinds of people and races and personalities but that doesn’t mean people are more open minded and respectful, it just means there are more people to judge and classify. Whether or not people try to treat each and every person equally you can observe and see that they talk differently or act differently according to those they are speaking with.
    Here I am, living in Duluth and after only a month and a half it is my home. When I return to Big Lake I find myself telling my parents or friends, “Well alright, I’m going to head home now.” Even with all the memories and the people dear to me in Big Lake I find myself believing that I may never again call it home. Big Lake is a childhood home, a place where my parents live, while Duluth is my home and the place where I live. I will continue to make memories every day and admire my big lake out my bedroom window, in Duluth. Whether or not people are judgmental and remain ignorant in the fact that we are all people and all equal, this is my home and I adore it. Every day I spend in my new hometown is a life experience, a life lesson. I am growing up each and every day in this new chapter of my life, learning more about myself and my new home. Big Lake and Duluth are much alike in many ways, an old and a new home.


    • Join Date: Sep 2008
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    #2

    Re: Help.

    ...it didn't copy as it is written. keep in mind there are five paragraphs with indentations and such... sorry.


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
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    #3

    Re: Help.

    Welcome to the forums.

    Quote Originally Posted by davinajane View Post
    I am one of those people who is generally good at English so when I write an essay it is difficult for me to revise it and write a final draft. I need someone to review my paper and give me feedback... anything! I don't care if you tell me you hate it, I need something to go off of. It is due on Wednesday morning.

    Here:


    My Old and New Home
    About a month and a half ago I moved up to Duluth from a small town a little over two hours away, Big Lake. I moved to go to college and get decently away from my home town ["get away from" is enough]. I was starting a new chapter in my life and I figured the best way to do that would be to start fresh, with a blank canvas. It was an extremely scary and stressful situation as I had never before been more than ten miles away from my parents and sister. I don’t enjoy change all that much and I realized I would get become/be very homesick during the first few weeks but I knew I would be able to work through it. My boyfriend and I moved in August first [in August OR on August 1st?]and started our new life. After the first week I came to realize, Big Lake began to realise that / realized that and Duluth are much alike in many ways.


    There are many definitions of home and I have always thought that Big Lake would always remain the place I called home [avoid repetition in sentences]. My family lives there in the home that I grew up in and spent my holidays at. All of my friends that I grew up with still live there. There are so many places that I would go to at least once a week and just hang out or meet up with meet people. Many of my childhood memories and life experiences were created in the small city of Big Lake. I found myself calling the city of Duluth home after only a week. My new found family consists of my boyfriend, our bird, and me. We spend our days working, attending school, and even having nightly dinner just like back at “home”. I have found that the board walk and walking the trails provides some of the most beautiful hang-out spots. I know that I have already made acquired so many memories up here and that this is truly a wonderful life experience.


    Big Lake is known for just that, its big lake. It is a town for swimming in the summer time and ice fishing in the winter. You’ll find most people in or around the lake at all times of the year. Sitting by the lake on a warm summer night watching the moon shine down on the water was [Is it no longer one?] one of the most relaxing things in the world. It is amazing how one “big” lake in a town can bring so many people together. It is somewhat ironic that I moved from a town called Big Lake to the city of Duluth with the largest lake in the country. The day after I moved I decided I would walk the ten blocks down to the boardwalk to look at the lake and I have been hooked ever since. Any time, day or night, if I am stressed I can walk down to the water’s edge and instantly feel rejuvenated. I would imagine that most people feel the same way considering people come from all over just to see this lake and walk out onto the pier. While Big Lake was the attraction for the town’s people, Lake Superior is definitely the attraction for many tourists.


    In the small town of Big Lake I went through school seeing people judge each other and criticize one another. In my opinion people were very judgmental and mean. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was in a small town but every time a new student came into school they were eyed up and down by each and every person and within a week thrown into a category, a clique. Being Given that Big Lake wasn’t too far from the cities, you’d assume that race was never an issue any of us had omit but the year the town started growing and becoming more diverse people acted as though it was the 1950s, shocked at the “colored” people. I thought Duluth would be different, more diverse, and open minded. I have come to realize that all people are ignorant in their own way, big city or not. I see the way people look at each other, whether it is passing one another in the halls, on the streets, or driving in their cars. In Duluth there are all kinds of people and races and personalities but that doesn’t mean people are more open-minded and respectful; it just means there are more people to judge and classify. Whether or not people try to treat each and every person equally, you can observe and see [omit = tautology] that they talk differently or act differently according to those they are speaking with.


    Here I am, living in Duluth and after only a month and a half it is my home. When I return to Big Lake I find myself telling my parents or friends, “Well alright, I’m going to head home now.” Even with all the memories and the people dear to me in Big Lake I find myself believing that I may never again call it home. Big Lake is my childhood home, the place where my parents live, while Duluth is but now Duluth is my home, the place where I live. I will continue to build memories every day and admire my big lake out my bedroom window in Duluth. Whether or not people are judgmental and remain ignorant in the fact of the fact that we are all people and all equal, this is my home and I adore it. Every day I spend in my new hometown is a life experience, a life lesson. I am growing up each and every day in this new chapter of my life, learning more about myself and my new home. Big Lake and Duluth are much alike in many ways, an old and a new home.
    It is always hard to check one's own work - that's why publishers use proofreaders.

    Be careful about repetition, both of words and of statements. It can make a piece boring.

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