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  1. #1
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    Post Please Could Anyone Revise My Essay? Thanks A Lot!




    United States of America is a multicultural society, this is a great advantage for the country, But this multicultural society has some flaws that makes it not that great by segregating people, the ones to blames is our closed minded society that still promotes everybody's cultural holidays because it is the law, not because it is the right thing
    to do. In other words, today's society is still as racist as it used to be, but in a more discrete way, and this is affecting our kind and the future generations to come.
    I believe that if we don't make some changes and try not to make too much emphasis, to be more honest with each other; these issues will not drive us apart and hopefully it will be a reason to celebrate and value the great nation in which we all live in.









    Sometimes we don't want our kids to forget where they came from, or where their ancestors came from, This is not a bad thing to teach our children because we want them to be able to accept other peoples differences, we want them to be part of a color blind society and respect others religion, believes and the best out of all is to that they get to learn about other cultures.
    The bad aspect is that some of us are not doing our job, or not setting a good example to our kids and that's when we see the different prejudice groups that live underground and threatens our society with their ignorance and their narrow mind set that makes them believe that there is such thing as a superior race.







    Many of these groups such as the K.K.K, Skin Heads, Black panthers and others are closed minded that their only contributions to our society are hate, and criminal acts.
    This is seeing mostly in the southern states and the reason why this is Happening, is that I believe it is because the way that their kids are being raise is not the best way to do it; this is being past on generation after generation, not every body is like but thereís quite a few folks that are that way and thatís why when they encounter someone whom may look different the see him as an outsider and this time the blame goes to the ignorance of our society.
    We need to expose our kids to different cultures and let them know where their grand parents came from, most important we need to teach them about their own culture, we donít want them to feel left out and confused, we worried about teaching them about their past but not about their present which i believe is more important.






    A good example of segregation will be some cultures that celebrate the Their independence day, or pride parade by them selfís and supposedly with a lot of pride but most of them don't have a clue about their culture. I think most of them are there just to represent but no to celebrate which is
    two complete different things and that's why they are segregating themselves from the outside world.
    Not all cultures are that way, I came across to a few parades and I saw a complete different scenario; for example the Colombian independence day is more like a open invitation to learn more about their culture, their
    Foods, music etc. they will take time to show you and teach you about them, you see a lot of people from different backgrounds together as one on this occasion, Some cultures follow either the first or second example, but that's reality and we can't change it overnight.





    In conclusion we need a cultural blind society that will put all our differences behind and look more for our similarities and Iím not saying to forget about our heritage but leave what's in the past behind and lets worried about the present,
    and look up to the future so we can be a more open minded society that will teach the rest of the world an important lesson that no matter what you look like, what you believe in, we all have one thing in common: we want the best for our children, the future of our nation and in order to achieve this, is to teach them that they are part of a country that was built by multicultural society that has become one; which is the the American culture that is known for being the Melting pot of the world.






  2. #2
    Spiderman35 is offline Newbie
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    Wink Re: Please Could Anyone Revise My Essay? Thanks A Lot!

    Dear ...

    It is a great essay, iindeed ! Really !
    You used "in" in the first paragraph twice (once too much) !

    I think it is a bit informal in style... but it does not seem a problem !
    How are you doing, anyway ? What is your major?

    By the way, what does it mean: "buy-to-letters" ?

    Yours,
    Tom
    EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead

  3. #3
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Re: Please Could Anyone Revise My Essay? Thanks A Lot!

    Welcome to the forums.

    Quote Originally Posted by EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead View Post


    The United States of America is a multicultural society. This is a great advantage for the country. But this multicultural society has some flaws that makes it not that great by segregating people. The ones to blames people to blame is [plural subject=plural verb]our closed minded society that still promotes everybody's cultural holidays because it is the law, not because it is the right thing
    to do. In other words, today's society is still as racist as it used to be, but in a more discrete discreet way, and this is affecting our kind us now and the future generations to come.

    I believe that if we don't make some changes and try not to make too much emphasis ["Put too much emphasis" - on what?], to be more honest with each other; these issues will not drive us apart and hopefully it will be a reason to celebrate and value the great nation in which we all live in.

    Sometimes we don't want our kids children to forget where they came from [They may have been born in the US - "their origins"], or where their ancestors came from. This is not a bad thing to teach our children because we want them to be able to accept other people's differences, we want them to be part of a color-blind society and respect others' religions or believes beliefs, and the best out of all is toabove all that they get to learn about other cultures. The bad aspect is that some of us are not doing our job, or not setting a good example to our kids children and that's when we see the different prejudice groups that live underground the development of prejudiced groups that threatens [plural subject=plural verb] our society with their ignorance and their narrow mind set that makes them believe that there is such thing as a superior race.

    Many of these groups, such as the K.K.K, Skin Heads, Black Panthers and others, are so closed minded that their only contributions to our society are hate, and criminal acts. This is seeing seen mostly in the southern states and the reason why this is happening is, I believe, because of the way that their kids children are being raised. is not the best way to do it; this is being past on generation after generation, not every body is like but there’s quite a few folks that are that way and that’s why when they encounter someone whom may look different the see him as an outsider and this time the blame goes to the ignorance of our society.We need to expose our children to different cultures and let them know where their grand parents came from, most important we need to teach them about their own culture, we don’t want them to feel left out and confused, we worried about teaching them about their past but not about their present which i believe is more important.[omit - unnecessary and repetitious - you have already said all this].

    A good example of segregation will be some cultures that celebrate the Their national independence daysor pride parade by them self’s themselves, and supposedly with a lot of pride omit but most of them don't have a clue about their ethnic culture. I think most of them are there just to represent [to represent what?] but no tot celebrate which is [plural subject=plural verb] two completely different things and that's why they are segregating themselves from the outside world. Not all cultures are that way. I came across have attended/have been t/ went to a few parades and I saw a complete different scenario: for example the Colombian Independence Day is more like an open invitation to learn more about Colombian culture, their foods, music etc. they The participants will take time to show you and teach you about them. You see a lot of people from different backgrounds together as one on this occasion. Some cultures follow either the first or second example, but that's reality and we can't change it overnight.

    In conclusion we need a culturally blind society that will put all our differences behind and look more for our similarities. I’m not saying to forget about our heritage but leave what's in the past behind and lets worried let's worry about the present,and look up to and look to the future so we can be a more open minded society that will teach the rest of the world an important lesson that no matter what you look like, what you believe in, we all have one thing in common: we want the best for our children, the future of our nation and, in order to achieve this, is to we must teach them that they are part of a country that was built by multicultural society that has become one; which founded in multi-culturalism. That is the the American culture, known for being the melting pot of the world.
    You must be careful not to repeat yourself. Keep the argument simple and flowing logically; do not allow yourself to be sidetracked into convoluted statements. I am also not convinced that "underground groups" are a primarily Southern state phenomenon.

    You also need to make sure that you use a period/fullstop at the end of a sentence, and not a comma.

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