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  1. #1
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    Default Proofreading: The internet

    Hi!


    So here is my second essay for today. I was asked to write about a modern technological invention which changed to worlds communciation, so i wrote about the internet.

    I´m not sure if the word "entity" can be used the way I did. When it eliminates your understanding, just replace it with "character".


    Thank you!



    "In today’s world, global communication is one of the most important things. Therefore, a recent technological invention with hugh influence is the internet. The internet’s importance is based on its speed, the possibility to find people around the world and its entity as an open information source.

    The speed of the internet is a really important advantage. At the beginning of the 19th century the delivery of mails took weeks or even month when writing someone in another country. Even the fast telephone cannot diminish the importance of the internet, since documents like contracts can be attached to Emails.

    While preparing for the TOEFL-Test I use another advantage of the internet, by communicating with people around the world. After one week of searching I found a handful of people from english speaking countries like the US, Great Britain or Canada who wanted to learn german. I offered them lessons in german language, while they tough me english in reward. This win-win-situtation would have never been accomplished without the invention of the internet.

    However, my main argument for choosing the internet is, that everyone can get information on himself. Due to the enormous amount of news from lots of sources, different views on important topics can be read. In times of war for example, all newspapers and TV-Shows normally support the country they were settled in. In earlier times you were depended to make up your mind just by these sources. Today everyone can search in the internet for unpopular states to such topics.

    No modern invention has influenced our lifes like the internet did. This worldwide network enables us to find people who share common interests and provides fast and independent sources of news.
    The internet is one of the most important entities in today’s life and will maintain this influence for a long time."

  2. #2
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: Proofreading: The internet

    Quote Originally Posted by SimonUnthan View Post
    Hi!


    So here is my second essay for today. I was asked to write about a modern technological invention which changed to worlds communciation, so i wrote about the internet.

    I´m not sure if the word "entity" can be used the way I did. When it eliminates your understanding, just replace it with "character".


    Thank you!



    "In today’s world, global communication is one of the most important things. Therefore, a recent technological invention with hugh huge ["Hugh" is a man's name] influence is the Internet. The Internet’s importance is based on its speed, the possibility to find of finding/of contacting people around the world and its entity value as an open information source.

    The speed of the Internet is a really important advantage. At the beginning of the 19th century the delivery of mails took weeks or even month when writing someone in another country. Even the fast OMIT telephone cannot diminish the importance of the Internet, since documents like contracts can be attached to emails/e-mails.

    While preparing for the TOEFL-Test I use another advantage of the Internet, by communicating with people around the world. After one week of searching I found a handful of people from English-speaking countries like the US, Great Britain or Canada who wanted to learn German. I offered them lessons in German language OMIT , while they tough taught me English in reward return. This win-win situation would never have been accomplished possible without the invention of the Internet.

    However, my main argument for choosing the Internet is that everyone can get information on for himself. Due to the enormous amount of news from lots of sources, different views on important topics can be read. In times of war, for example, all newspapers and tv programmes normally support the country they were settled are based in. In earlier times you were depended dependent on these sources to make up your mind. Today everyone can search the Internet for unpopular states alternative views of such topics.

    No modern invention has influenced our lifes lives like the internet did as much as the Internet. This worldwide network enables us to find people who share common interests and provides fast and independent sources of news.

    The internet is one of the most important entities in today’s life and will maintain this influence for a long time."
    ..

  3. #3
    jlinger is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Proofreading: The internet

    "Due to the enormous amount of news from lots of sources..."

    should be "Because of the ... from many sources..."

    Due should never be used without a conjugation of the verb "to be" (It is due to this fact that the expression, "Due to circumstances beyond our control..." is wrong!)

    And "lots of" is too informal for a learned essay such as yours. Use "many" or, if emphasis is required, "so many" would do nicely.

    Also, the correction of "TV-Shows" to "tv programmes" missed the caps that TV still requires, and also imposed an English spelling on "programmes." In the United States and Canada, it's "programs"; the other spelling is pretty much restricted to Britian, New Zealand and Australia. Neither is right or wrong; it all depends on your audience and, above all, consistency. Once you pick a form (British vs American vs Canadian for example) you have to stick with it.

    I would also use "mail" in the singular in this sentence: "the delivery of mails took weeks or even month"; and it would be "even a month" or "even months" in this as well.

    The final sentence refers to "today's life." That's too specific. It really implies something that lives 24 hours. I believe you might prefer to say "life today."

    Nice essay, by the way. Quite accurate! The Internet has completely changed the world.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Proofreading: The internet

    Thanks for your helpful comment jlinger!
    It´s great to hear new aspects, like the usage of "lots of".

    @ Anglike: Once more I would like to know, which one of the phrases you marked were wrong and which were unusual.
    Especially I´m interested in the following passages:
    "This win-win situation would never have been accomplished possible"
    "
    unpopular states to alternative views of such topics"

  5. #5
    Anglika is offline No Longer With Us
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    Default Re: Proofreading: The internet

    Quote Originally Posted by SimonUnthan View Post
    @ Anglike: Once more I would like to know, which one of the phrases you marked were wrong and which were unusual.
    Especially I´m interested in the following passages:

    "This win-win situation would never have been accomplished possible"

    "
    unpopular states to alternative views of such topics"
    See my reply to your other post.

    "unpopular states to" is meaningless, so my correction is an interpretation of what I think you mean to say.

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